I decided to move my blog from blogger to tumblr. You can find it here: http://camorzilla.tumblr.com/. Tumblr has a few more options like being able to post private posts without having to make the entire blog private. I'll probalby keep this one up for a while but all of my previous blog posts have been migrated over. I'm working on the comments but I may have lost those. Thanks!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
So I met this man who makes me happy. Thinking about him puts a stupid grin on my face. It's kind of ridiculous. He has yet to get on my nerves, which is no small feat for those of you who know me. I don't know what it is about him but I feel safe when I'm with him, like I don't have anything to worry about. I have never in my life not wanted to fuck something up as much as I want to not fuck this up. I could really keep him around for a long while I think. I don't worry about what he's thinking or how he feels because he tells me. A few times my brain has tried to resurrect my old crazy relationship insecurities but so far I have been able to smack them back down. I am trying to not be continually surprised at how sweet he is to me. I'm also trying to be open about my feelings and not worry so much about getting hurt. Right now there are so many other things going on in my life and it's nice to not have my relationship be one of them for once. I'm still holding my breath but I've begun to let it out a little at a time. Sometimes I think I might be afraid to let myself be too happy.
Last week I went to a conference in Orlando, FL. It was put on by the United States Electronic Thesis and Dissertation Association. This sounds pretty dry, I know, but it has a lot to do with my job so I was hoping it wouldn't be too boring. Some of the sessions were really boring. But a few them were really interesting and I think that the information I gathered this past week will go a long ways towards changing the way we do things. Some people are resistant to change but in the long run these changes will make things easier, cheaper, and more convenient for students. They will also change the way my office works, for the better. I still have to type up my notes and come up with a proposal but it was nice that graduate school staff across the country have the same issues with students and that it's not just me. The conference also made me think A LOT about my professional life and where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I could really stay in this field (graduate students, thesis/dissertation stuff).
Also on the upside of being in FL for a week- I missed a week of rain in AR apparently. After our last round of rain I think if I had been home it might have just killed me. In Fl, the weather was 80+ all week long and I got to spend some quality time by the pool reading and soaking up some Vitamin D. I've recently started re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series and I totally love it. I first started reading it after my brother gave me the first book for my birthday when I was in high school and finished it when Stephen King FINALLY came out with the last book a few years ago. There's been talk of a film (with Javier Bardem as the gunslinger!) and it made me want to read it again. Currently my bedroom is kind of being overrun by books but I'm actually kind of okay with that.
Oh and NWARD won against ICT 128 to 125 AND I got MVP!!! This is only the second time in my 5 year derby career that this has happened.
Now back to work :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Yeah that break I was going to take? Not so much. I'm kinda seeing this new guy and so far so good. It's early days yet though. It's not that I want for something bad to happen, I've just kind of learned to expect it. This weekend we went to a baseball game Friday night, which was a lot of fun. Saturday night we watched movies and he cooked me dinner. It has been YEARS since a man cooked me dinner. Or any meal for that matter. This may seem like a small thing but it's kind of a big deal to me. It tells me that he is actively thinking about doing something nice for me. Or maybe he was just trying to impress me. If so, it totally worked.
So for all that I like to act pessimistic and everything, I'm really an optimist and hopeless romantic. Which I guess is a good thing. I have my occasional bouts of depression and hopelessness but I think those are getting farther and fewer between. Also it's about to be summertime which always cheers me up. It's hard for me to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining and there are green things growing everywhere (thanks to the fucking monsoon rains).
It's almost the end of the semester (only 5 more days!) and I'm really looking forward to it. I still have plenty of work to do in the summer time but everything just slows down a bit. I'm off to Orlando next week for a work conference which will also include a little Mom time since she's only two hours away and will be driving up. Can't wait! I've always been a momma's girl and having my mother so far away has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Heartbreak Rollers defeated the Hardwood Hustlas 73 to 53. It was a really good game. I am SO proud of my team. Everyone really played their best.
I don't know how it happened but I ended up with the best team (for me). I was not looking forward to having home teams. I was ready to bitch and complain about all of it. But surprisingly I like my team. All of them.
I got a new tattoo several weeks ago. It's a mended heart (broken heart but with the pieces being held together with stitches.) Most people think I got it for my team. This is partly true. My team this season made me fall in love with derby again. To enjoy playing just to play and not have winning be the be all end all goal but just playing the best that you can. I think by being focused on our team work we forgot about ourselves as individuals and were able just to give ourselves up to the game.
The other reason I got my tattoo is because I kind of feel like that's how my heart is. It's been broken but I have all the pieces and it's slowly mending. I just have to hold them all together long enough.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
People always seem to think that I am "so busy" and have "so many friends". Neither of these things is true. I am at work Monday through Friday 8am to 5pm and that takes up the bulk of my time. Derby practice three times a week that I attend roughly 75% of the time (except not so much here lately because of my fucking ankle). But really......I spend much of my time alone. I don't have people calling or texting me at all hours of the day and night or very much at all really. I am not that person that everyone wants to be friends with or wants to hang out with.I don't have a lot of friends, I just know a lot of people. My supposed best friends are busy with lots of other things that don't include me. All of my friends are coupled up and while theoretically I'm happy for them it means less time for me. I feel like the awkward third wheel on the odd occasion when I do hang out with them. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and there's just not much about my life or myself that I like right now. Maybe I'm just too much work for most people to be regular friends with or I have too high of expectations of friendship or something. I really just don't know.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 4:29 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A broke up with me because "he didn't see it going very far". I'm actually really okay with this. I had really been thinking about where our relationship was going (if anywhere) and this saved me from having to make a decision or think about it any more. We agreed to remain friends and it'll be interesting to see if that actually happens.
So I think I may take a break from dating/men/etc. I've said this before so we'll see how long it lasts. Right now my goal is until my birthday which is a little over 3 months. Really it'll be more that I'm not actively looking. If someone amazing drops in my lap I'm not going to turn them away. I just think too much all the time and in particular about dating and relationships.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
And so at what point do you delete/inactivate your online dating profile? I'm thinking after you have the exclusive talk though neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment (I don't think). I don't plan on seeing anyone else as long as I'm seeing A. I'm not really very good at juggling people anyway. The only thing that made me think of it was that I got a message on one of the sites I'm on. Le sigh. Too much thinking already for today. I think I'll shove this to the back burner for a few weeks and hopefully it will resolve itself.