Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Where do we go from here?

So I know I don't have any right to say this really since I broke up with her- but I miss my friend. I don't miss the relationship and I still firmly believe it was the best decision for both of us. We're not really talking right now cause she's dealing with things (mostly me) not that I can blame her. I'm not an easy person. But I do miss discussing my day and just hanging out with someone who's become a good friend over the last year.

Tonight at practice I was feeling kind of, oh I don't know, distant maybe? kind of secluded from the league. I get to feeling this way on occasion, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not entirely sure why. I've had some moments since M left but C kind of helped with that. I just sometimes feel like if I wasn't there, no one would miss me, even though I know that's not true. Maybe it's just because it's hard for me to form close friendships and I don't feel like I really have that with anyone on league right now.

I've realized that I have issues separating physical closeness, intimacy, sex, lust, and infatuation. It kind of makes me not trust myself. I've decided to take a break from being involved with anyone for.....awhile. Time for a little self reflection.

Monday, February 22, 2010

February is almost over.....

C and I broke up over the weekend. It wasn't completely unexpected but still sad. She deserves better than I could give her. I'm hopeful that we can remain friends.

I have a lot of self reflection before I'm ready for another relationship I think. At least I recognize my issues more now that previously.

Practice was amazing last night. Almost everyone on league was there so scrimmaging was amazing. Killbillies actually got to play together as a team. We're playing COMO this weekend which should be fun and then we're off to NOLA the weekend after that. Can't wait!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Will winter ever end?

I'm really done with snow and cold and any sort of winter weather. I'm more of a summer and sunshine kind of girl anyway. I always have been. I could never see ice again except as cubes in my cocktails and be perfectly okay with that. I usually am kind of sad/depressed/down in winter time just because of the lack of warm and sunlight. This year it''s been a little worse I think. I was okay up until all the snow in January. Fayetteville has never had this many snowfalls in the 10+ years that I have lived here. I can't wait for it to be warm again and I can unearth my flipflops.

I've been wanting alot of alone time lately and that's been rather difficult. I'm at work all day surrounded by people and have to interact with them. A few nights a week I have activities that require more interaction like derby and my Buddhist activities. Usually I like to recharge by spending time alone, just me and Gizmo. And sometimes she's too much company for me. Though I enjoyed D living with me, I really enjoy living alone and being able to come home and shut everyone out. My mother and I had a conversation about how we're both very similar in this. Occasionally I recharge by spending time with people but that doesn't happen often.

I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks for derby and I'm pretty excited. Hopefully the weather will be at least a few degrees warmer there. I also have a few friends that live there that have never seen me play so that's exciting. Also- more black people than I see in a week in Fayetteville, delicious food, and maybe a little shopping.