tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48693473818215139162024-03-14T11:13:52.786-05:00Just another Fayette-villainLet me tell you about a girl I know, she likes hip hop and rock n roll.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-47747127740269016552011-05-26T13:58:00.000-05:002011-05-26T13:58:53.271-05:00MovingI decided to move my blog from blogger to tumblr. You can find it here: http://camorzilla.tumblr.com/. Tumblr has a few more options like being able to post private posts without having to make the entire blog private. I'll probalby keep this one up for a while but all of my previous blog posts have been migrated over. I'm working on the comments but I may have lost those. Thanks!Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-16814767857747635752011-05-23T12:00:00.000-05:002011-05-23T12:00:42.969-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 6 and the Rest of My LifeSo I met this man who makes me happy. Thinking about him puts a stupid grin on my face. It's kind of ridiculous. He has yet to get on my nerves, which is no small feat for those of you who know me. I don't know what it is about him but I feel safe when I'm with him, like I don't have anything to worry about. I have never in my life not wanted to fuck something up as much as I want to not fuck this up. I could really keep him around for a long while I think. I don't worry about what he's thinking or how he feels because he tells me. A few times my brain has tried to resurrect my old crazy relationship insecurities but so far I have been able to smack them back down. I am trying to not be continually surprised at how sweet he is to me. I'm also trying to be open about my feelings and not worry so much about getting hurt. Right now there are so many other things going on in my life and it's nice to not have my relationship be one of them for once. I'm still holding my breath but I've begun to let it out a little at a time. Sometimes I think I might be afraid to let myself be too happy. <br />
<br />
Last week I went to a conference in Orlando, FL. It was put on by the United States Electronic Thesis and Dissertation Association. This sounds pretty dry, I know, but it has a lot to do with my job so I was hoping it wouldn't be too boring. Some of the sessions were really boring. But a few them were really interesting and I think that the information I gathered this past week will go a long ways towards changing the way we do things. Some people are resistant to change but in the long run these changes will make things easier, cheaper, and more convenient for students. They will also change the way my office works, for the better. I still have to type up my notes and come up with a proposal but it was nice that graduate school staff across the country have the same issues with students and that it's not just me. The conference also made me think A LOT about my professional life and where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I could really stay in this field (graduate students, thesis/dissertation stuff).<br />
<br />
Also on the upside of being in FL for a week- I missed a week of rain in AR apparently. After our last round of rain I think if I had been home it might have just killed me. In Fl, the weather was 80+ all week long and I got to spend some quality time by the pool reading and soaking up some Vitamin D. I've recently started re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series and I totally love it. I first started reading it after my brother gave me the first book for my birthday when I was in high school and finished it when Stephen King FINALLY came out with the last book a few years ago. There's been talk of a film (with Javier Bardem as the gunslinger!) and it made me want to read it again. Currently my bedroom is kind of being overrun by books but I'm actually kind of okay with that. <br />
<br />
Oh and NWARD won against ICT 128 to 125 AND I got MVP!!! This is only the second time in my 5 year derby career that this has happened.<br />
<br />
Now back to work :)Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-35935113976302509322011-05-09T12:04:00.000-05:002011-05-09T12:04:38.526-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 5 and then someYeah that break I was going to take? Not so much. I'm kinda seeing this new guy and so far so good. It's early days yet though. It's not that I want for something bad to happen, I've just kind of learned to expect it. This weekend we went to a baseball game Friday night, which was a lot of fun. Saturday night we watched movies and he cooked me dinner. It has been YEARS since a man cooked me dinner. Or any meal for that matter. This may seem like a small thing but it's kind of a big deal to me. It tells me that he is actively thinking about doing something nice for me. Or maybe he was just trying to impress me. If so, it totally worked.<br />
<br />
So for all that I like to act pessimistic and everything, I'm really an optimist and hopeless romantic. Which I guess is a good thing. I have my occasional bouts of depression and hopelessness but I think those are getting farther and fewer between. Also it's about to be summertime which always cheers me up. It's hard for me to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining and there are green things growing everywhere (thanks to the fucking monsoon rains). <br />
<br />
It's almost the end of the semester (only 5 more days!) and I'm really looking forward to it. I still have plenty of work to do in the summer time but everything just slows down a bit. I'm off to Orlando next week for a work conference which will also include a little Mom time since she's only two hours away and will be driving up. Can't wait! I've always been a momma's girl and having my mother so far away has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-51675947257167169772011-05-02T17:00:00.001-05:002011-05-09T12:05:40.003-05:00It Feels Good to WinThe Heartbreak Rollers defeated the Hardwood Hustlas 73 to 53. It was a really good game. I am SO proud of my team. Everyone really played their best.<br />
<br />
I don't know how it happened but I ended up with the best team (for me). I was not looking forward to having home teams. I was ready to bitch and complain about all of it. But surprisingly I like my team. All of them.<br />
<br />
I got a new tattoo several weeks ago. It's a mended heart (broken heart but with the pieces being held together with stitches.) Most people think I got it for my team. This is partly true. My team this season made me fall in love with derby again. To enjoy playing just to play and not have winning be the be all end all goal but just playing the best that you can. I think by being focused on our team work we forgot about ourselves as individuals and were able just to give ourselves up to the game. <br />
<br />
The other reason I got my tattoo is because I kind of feel like that's how my heart is. It's been broken but I have all the pieces and it's slowly mending. I just have to hold them all together long enough.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-36528625195375869432011-04-23T16:29:00.000-05:002011-04-23T16:29:14.902-05:00Always AlonePeople always seem to think that I am "so busy" and have "so many friends". Neither of these things is true. I am at work Monday through Friday 8am to 5pm and that takes up the bulk of my time. Derby practice three times a week that I attend roughly 75% of the time (except not so much here lately because of my fucking ankle). But really......I spend much of my time alone. I don't have people calling or texting me at all hours of the day and night or very much at all really. I am not that person that everyone wants to be friends with or wants to hang out with.I don't have a lot of friends, I just know a lot of people. My supposed best friends are busy with lots of other things that don't include me. All of my friends are coupled up and while theoretically I'm happy for them it means less time for me. I feel like the awkward third wheel on the odd occasion when I do hang out with them. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and there's just not much about my life or myself that I like right now. Maybe I'm just too much work for most people to be regular friends with or I have too high of expectations of friendship or something. I really just don't know.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-14037205746691437712011-04-20T08:47:00.001-05:002011-04-20T09:03:42.815-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 4A broke up with me because "he didn't see it going very far". I'm actually really okay with this. I had really been thinking about where our relationship was going (if anywhere) and this saved me from having to make a decision or think about it any more. We agreed to remain friends and it'll be interesting to see if that actually happens.<br />
So I think I may take a break from dating/men/etc. I've said this before so we'll see how long it lasts. Right now my goal is until my birthday which is a little over 3 months. Really it'll be more that I'm not actively looking. If someone amazing drops in my lap I'm not going to turn them away. I just think too much all the time and in particular about dating and relationships.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-43225252589222311182011-04-12T11:22:00.000-05:002011-04-12T11:22:57.584-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 3 Part 2- Random AsideAnd so at what point do you delete/inactivate your online dating profile? I'm thinking after you have the exclusive talk though neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment (I don't think). I don't plan on seeing anyone else as long as I'm seeing A. I'm not really very good at juggling people anyway. The only thing that made me think of it was that I got a message on one of the sites I'm on. Le sigh. Too much thinking already for today. I think I'll shove this to the back burner for a few weeks and hopefully it will resolve itself.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-52449769277956975762011-04-12T09:42:00.001-05:002011-04-12T09:44:28.388-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 3After my weekend of dates (which was pretty ridiculous quite frankly) the field has narrowed down, partly through choice and also partly through natural selection I guess. I had a great time with A that Friday night and was really glad I had decided to go out with him again despite a first impression that wasn't so great. Coffee with C at the Farmer's Market was just kind of awkward. Though that may have been just me because he sent me a text the next day saying it was nice to meet me and to add him on facebook. That did not happen. I mostly had fun hanging out with B Saturday night but then he pulled a slow fade on me the following week and I haven't heard from him since.<br />
<br />
So the thing with A was that I just wasn't sure about the physical attraction. There wasn't really anything else I had an issue with- he's fun to talk to and spend time with. My mom said as long as I didn't feel repulsed by him then there was still potential. And she was totally right. We went to the movies and at one point he reached for my hand.....and I jumped and kind of pulled away. So then I was totally over thinking everything and of course it didn't occur to me to just reach for his hand. Anyway we've since talked about it and everything is fine. I have a lot of fun with him. He's funny. He teases me but in a fun way, not a "I want to kill you if you don't leave me alone" kind of way. He also can beat me at Words with Friends which is pretty hot in my book. He came to an all star game against RVRG (we won! 210 to 69!) and totally enjoyed the derb which is pretty important.We spent most of this past weekend together and he didn't get on my nerves at all which is good for me because I think sometimes I can be kind of impatient and a little critical. <br />
<br />
One of the things I always struggle with when dating someone new that I really like is my overactive brain. I just think too much. I always wonder if he is in to me as I am in to him. There have been times when I thought so and that was not the case. I wonder when something is going to go wrong because I feel like surely something this nice cannot last. I also want to spend a lot of time with that person partially cause I really dig them but also because that person is new and fun and interesting and I want to know all about them.<br />
<br />
Right now I'm just going to take a deep breath, enjoy myself, and try not to think too much.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-9794377875656839142011-04-01T15:36:00.000-05:002011-04-01T15:36:48.311-05:00Happy Anniversary !Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.<br />
<br />
Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.<br />
<br />
Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else. <br />
<br />
Random derby facts about me:<br />
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker<br />
2. I was the first captain of our all star team<br />
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller WarriorsCam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-39907610580582750242011-03-31T09:36:00.000-05:002011-03-31T09:36:15.159-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 2So last week I went out with two different guys. The first guy I'm not really attracted to.....though that could change (let's call him A). The second guy I am more attracted to.....but he doesn't seem to have much potential otherwise (B). Both are kinda nerdy, which I totally dig. Something that I just realized and find kind of amusing is that A has been texting me often enough though not as much as B was the first few days (though he has since fallen off). I was a bit put out when B stopped responding as quickly but totally didn't even give it a second thought in regards to A. I guess it's all about perception. On the other hand, I was listening to NPR on my way home from work yesterday and there was a story that made me think of A. <br />
<br />
I have plans with A, maybe B, plus someone I'll call C this weekend. I'm not sure if any of these will amount to anything but I think it's good to dip my toes in every once in awhile.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-89319134633091468632011-03-23T09:07:00.001-05:002011-03-25T11:04:37.740-05:00Dating Adventures Vol. 1I was at the liquor store a few weeks ago and apparently a guy I went on a date with in November works there. He said he wold call me and never did. I was okay with that because there wasn't really a connection. He makes a point to come over and apologize for not calling me. Really dude? It's been like 3 months, totally not even on my radar.<br />
<br />
I recently joined a new online dating site. I've been getting messages left and right though not many are promising. This one guy decided to IM me and call me rude and then proceeded to block me because I didn't respond quickly enough to his message. It wasn't even 24 hours later. <br />
<br />
It's weird to me when you know people in real life and then see their online dating profile. What's even weirder is to see someone's profile that you DON'T know and then run in to them in public. They don't know who you are but you know that they enjoy the farmer's market and long walks. This has happened to me twice in the last month and while it's amusing it also feels a little creepy.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-64155274087186231532011-03-16T15:10:00.000-05:002011-03-16T15:10:36.185-05:00Do I Scare You?Recently I was reading an article on one of my favorite sites and there was an article called <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-7-pieces-of-advice-i-made-up-for-myself/">7 Pieces of Advice I Made Up For Myself</a> and<b> </b>one of those pieces of advice really spoke to me:<i> 3. Love means never feeling like you might scare someone away<b>. </b></i><br />
I almost always feel like I might scare someone away. I can tell you, it is not a nice feeling, like you have to conceal parts of yourself or be less than who you really are in order to reel some unsuspecting person in just for some small chance at happiness. Most of the time I do scale it back a bit and try to present the nicest version of myself. And then once you get comfortable with that person and let down your guard, you're not who they thought you were. I don't do that anymore. <br />
I have had people tell me that I can be intimating, or scary, or just too much to handle. I tell myself that I am better off without these people who can't "handle" me. While I know that I am better off, it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. I know what I want and if you ask me I will tell you. If you can't handle the answer you might want to rethink your questions or who you're asking them to.<br />
I am comfortable with who I am and I not going to fit myself into small dark boxes just to make you feel more comfortable with yourself.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-4372151390989785262011-02-15T16:27:00.002-06:002011-02-15T16:29:06.468-06:00Throw Down My HeartSo I've been dating J for a month or so. Things were going surprisingly well. I was kind of apprehensive because I'm not used to dating men who treat me well (and aren't crazy or have drama or SOMETHING).<br />
<br />
I had been feeling like things were kind of off but it was nothing in particular that I could put my finger on. I wasn't sure it was my gut instincts telling me something was wrong (and my instincts have never steered me wrong once I started listening to them) OR just my own insecurities related to my relationship karma. I've been working on trying to tell the difference. Usually my reaction to issues in a relationship is to cut and run and I'm trying to stop doing that so I don't miss out on someone or something just because I'm scared.<br />
<br />
Then, yesterday (which would be Valentine's Day) I felt like things were kind of weird so I asked him what was going on. And he told me that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex. Let me add a note here that we didn't have plans to spend V-day together because of our conflicting work schedules HOWEVER a lady does not like to hear that kind of news on any day much less a holiday that is centered around romantic love.<br />
<br />
So here's what I told him. I said that I was pretty awesome and I thought maybe we could be awesome together. There was a reason he broke up with his ex and that if he decided to go back to her there would be no coming back to me. I said that I appreciated his honesty and hoped he would continue to be honest with me whatever happened. I said he could have all the time he needs but there is no guarantee that I would still be around when he made his decision. <br />
<br />
I'm actually pretty proud of myself. In the last few years I have made such a difference in the way I handle all my relationships but in particular my romantic ones. I cried for a few minutes after we got off the phone. It was more principle than anything about him in particular. But. I left myself be in a funk all yesterday and then I let it go. There was a reason I met him and maybe I don't know why yet but I will later. I don't regret any of the relationships I've been in over the past few years (which have been 90% bad). I've learned so much about myself and I know that when I do finally meet and fall in love with whoever I'm meant to be with, they will be grateful for all my past relationships too.<br />
<br />
One more step in the right direction.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-29593695972233128392011-01-04T12:39:00.001-06:002011-01-04T16:03:44.945-06:00PatienceCan I just say that I hate dating? Do I like them, do they like me, what are they looking for in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. Usually I end up being more interested in them then they are in me. Or they don't want a serious relationship. Or a monogamous relationship. Or a relationship at all (just sex). Occasionally it's obvious to both of us that neither of us is interested in the other. Occasionally they're more interested in me than I am in them. Very rarely we're equally interested. And sometimes I just can't tell. <br />
<br />
In the last few years I've really grown as a person in respect to relationships. I know what I do and don't want. I know what my deal-breakers are. It's hard to meet people in this town. Especially if you're not into the bar scene. I do some online dating and occasionally meet people through friends. Le sigh. Fayetteville is the Bermuda Triangle of the dating world. For reals. <br />
<br />
I feel like most people know by the end of the first date if they want to see each other again. By the next date or two you know whether or not you're attracted to that person. And then somewhere, somehow you decide whether or not you want to be in a monogamous relationship with that person.<br />
<br />
I personally don't typically date more than one person at a time because I'm just not good at juggling or dividing my time and attention like that. It doesn't bother me (much) if the person I'm dating is also dating other people if we're not having sex and haven't agreed to be monogamous. But what is a good time line for that? I have no clue! Most guys are just trying to get in my pants but those who aren't are sometimes hard to tell apart from the rest. Do I want to be called or texted everyday? Not necessarily but every other day at least. I don't want to be the one to make plans all the time- they should make some effort there too.<br />
<br />
I'm not very patient. In fact, I'm kind of known for my impatience. I want what I want how I want it and I want it NOW. I think I'm a pretty decent catch- I have a good job, I'm pretty attractive, in decent shape, have a good relationship with my family, have hobbies that keep me active and my creative juices flowing, I'm a good cook, and I'm a good friend. What are YOU bringing to the table? Does you plus me equal amazing? If you like me, you need to let me know. And if you're not interested, let me know so I can stop wasting my time. People tell me that I can be intimidating. But what does that mean exactly? That I scare off guys who might otherwise have the balls to approach me? That most guys who are interested in me don't have the balls to approach me? Who knows. I seem to have equally bad luck approaching guys as waiting for them to approach me.<br />
<br />
Now don't get me wrong, I'm fine with being single BUT I do enjoy having a special someone. Hopefully 2011 will be a better year for my love life.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-49869361894263458242010-12-21T12:30:00.000-06:002010-12-21T12:30:23.452-06:00Out With The Old And In With The NewIt's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.<br />
<br />
I sometimes feel really lonely but I know that I truly good friends who really love me (and family of course). I've had to reevaluate some things but came through as a stronger person I think. I still struggle every day but I know that I can handle it. <br />
<br />
This year I am thankful that my brother is home safe with his family once again and that I have people that love me and appreciate me in my life.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-14010250134984810982010-11-12T11:32:00.000-06:002010-11-18T11:32:32.903-06:00What does it mean anyway?Here lately I've been trying to be more adventurous in my daily life and maybe do things I would normally never do. In the few weeks I have- gone out to a bar for a drink by myself, went dirt biking for the first time, and went to a party where I only knew two people (the host and the person I rode with). I have never been to a bar by myself. I'm usually a little self conscious but I managed to just relax and enjoy myself. The dirt biking was via a random invite from a friend and I was hesitant but decided to try it. S is a great teacher and while it was scary, it was also a lot of fun. I'm going to try and continue this trend but we'll see.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-55083605378124609482010-11-11T16:56:00.000-06:002010-11-11T16:56:08.060-06:00Boys, Guys, MenI have decided I need more male friends. Because of derby I actually have more female friends than male and for most of my life the opposite has been true. I can be kind f boy crazy and I think having some more male energy around me will help with that. Also guys are crazy in a different way than women are and that's a nice change. It's hard to cultivate platonic opposite sex friendships though. Some guys aren't interested in having platonic female friends. Some guys think that you want to hang out with them because you're after them (for sex or a relationship or something). Really, I just want to be friends and do friend stuff. Hang out, play video games, watch movies, eat food, drink beer, and do fun stuff. Yeah I like to do girly stuff too but that's what my female friends are for. I do have a few good guy friends who I totally appreciate but I wouldn't mind more. One of my very favorite people, who also happens to be male, is halfway across the world and this has put a dent in the amount of platonic male attention I get. We'll see how my seeking out new friends goes. So far, not great.<br />
<br />
I haven't really dated anyone since C and I broke up and I think that's good for me. I'm not taking a break but I'm not worrying or wondering about anything either. <br />
<br />
In other news- I'm going to FL for six days at Thanksgiving! Yay! I'll be visiting my mother, sister-in-law, and niece. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to being a bit warmer and having some sun on my face. My brother will be home from Iraq FOR GOOD at the beginning of December. And he'll be out of the army by the end of January 2011. This is the best news I've heard all year. And then him and his family will be here in AR for Christmas. And M will be in Memphis for Christmas so I'll get to see her too! So far, it appears I will have everything I need to have a successful holiday season.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-73442918022723988042010-10-19T12:29:00.000-05:002010-10-19T12:29:49.288-05:00Where's My Green Zebra?I was talking to my mom today about some young guy who's after her. If you know me in real life, then you know that my mother tends to date younger, while I tend to date older. This is in no way on purpose on our parts, it's just how it happens.<br />
Anyway, I told her that at least someone was after her, whereas I haven't really been hit on in I don't know when. C says that I tend to be pretty oblivious to when someone is interested in me, cause she's seen it happen. But at the same time, if they don't have the balls to ask me out or anything, do I want to date them anyway? Probably not, but it would at least be nice to be asked. So mom said that it wasn't me (which I know) but that Fayetteville was the Bermuda Triangle of dating. And you know, I have to really agree with her. It's not that way for everybody but for me, definitely. And it blows.<br />
<br />
So I wrote the above yesterday when I was feeling kinda not so great. I'm feeling better now. This article is really great and really spoke to me- <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dater-x-rewriting-the-story/">http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dater-x-rewriting-the-story/</a><br />
<br />
I've been more single than not for the last few years and while I've dated some people that have potential, I've learned so much from all those relationships that didn't work out. Like what I really want in life and love and what I will and will not put up with. It's easy to be complacent but very hard to truly look deep inside yourself and acknowledge what you want and need and deserve. Especially for me because I think in some ways I'm not deserving of something amazing. Yes, I want to fall in love and make babies and have a happy little life (and yes I know it's not that simple) but at the same time, I have learned so much about myself that I wouldn't trade for anything what I've gone through because it's made me so much better as a person. I definitely have a different perspective on men and women and relationships. It's hard for me to just let things happen because, like the control freak that I am, I like everything to go the way it's supposed to go (which is my way in case you didn't know). I've really just now settled in to myself and I'm enjoying it. I would prefer to find my green zebra sooner rather than later but I just keep reminding myself that I have plenty of time.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-11810954589739565652010-09-28T11:10:00.000-05:002010-09-28T11:10:47.371-05:00Three Day Weekend.....Though It Seemed Like 5 or 6 DaysUnfortunately the Magic City Misfits lost to the St. Louis Gatekeepers but it was a really good game nonetheless. The officiating staff left much to be desired. It would help if the refs could keep up with the skaters. All in all it was a derby-ful weekend with LOTS of time spent at the rink. The Misfits are awesome skaters and people and I can't wait to see them play again. <br />
<br />
I have a hard time accepting compliments from people in general, men in particular. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess some people I just don't take seriously? It also doesn't help when these compliments come from men who are otherwise unavailable. I mean, I know I'm beautiful but I guess it just doesn't carry the same weight as if some semi-attractive single guy told me. It probably doesn't help that dating in the 'ville is really not that great. I don't meet many "new" people because I've lived here along time and run with a certain group of people. I also don't do much besides work and derb. Maybe I need a new hobby that gets me out of the house. I think much of this goes hand in hand with me thinking that I'm alot of work as far as being a friend and romantic partner. I'm not sure how this got instilled in me but it sure has held fast in my psyche. People tell me this is not really the case but I don't really believe them. <br />
<br />
Fall is finally actaully here. Temperatures in the 70's, the air feels a little chilly but there's some bright sun to warm you up. I think some camping should be in the works sometime soon :). Also: chili.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-12902304501452451412010-09-23T11:06:00.000-05:002010-09-23T11:06:56.291-05:00It Could Be Worse But It Also Could Really Be BetterThings I'm excited about:<br />
1. My trip to Florida for Thanksgiving<br />
2. The Magic City Misfits bout this Sunday<br />
3. Having a three day weekend<br />
4. Sleeping in over previously mentioned three day weekend <br />
5. Two new books I got for $0.99 each<br />
6. My mom coming up for a long weekend in October<br />
<br />
Things I'm not really excited about:<br />
1. Being at work<br />
2. Being single<br />
3. Having former lovers try to persuade me it would be a good idea to have casual sex with them<br />
4. My mom being in Florida<br />
5. All the email I've been getting lately<br />
<br />
I don't know why I've been so blah lately. I still miss my mother a lot. And work has just been...frustrating for lack of a better word. I'm constantly interrupted and new things are always being added to my plate. I wouldn't have much problem with this except that these things always need to be done now so I constantly have half finished things while something else takes priority. Many of these things don't actaully need to be done "right now".<br />
<br />
Being single isn't terrible and it's actaully kind of nice. It's just my interactions with potential people are annoying and frustrating which is why I like being in a relationship if for no other reason than to not have to navigate the treacherous waters of the dating world. Are they interested or are they not? What exactly is it that they're interested in? I'm not that great at reading signals and even when I think I am or someone helps me out I still crash and burn. I try not to think about it too much.<br />
<br />
My mom sends me pictures just about every day with my niece's latest activities/exploits. It's pretty hilarious. L already has a defined personality and it's so great to see how she interacts with the world around her. <br />
<br />
Still no roommate but I haven't been looking very hard (or really at all). If it happens, it does. If not, oh well.<br />
<br />
It's not quite fall yet but as is usual in Arkansas the weather hasn't quite made up it's mind yet. I think it's about to be camping time. It just need to cool off a bit first. Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-42282658329478554372010-09-08T10:34:00.000-05:002010-09-08T10:34:51.292-05:00I'm missing things in my lifeSo apparently summer decided to take a nose dive straight into the nasty part of fall weather. I don't like cold weather at all but I do enjoy fall. Those cold mornings and warm sunny afternoons with the crispy smell of leaves in the air. Instead we have chilly, damp, rainy weather. This does not a happy Camille make. I like weather that you can wear a scarf with short sleeves and boots with no tights. Leaves are falling off trees but it's more because the heat killed them, then the slow slide towards winter.<br />
I'm not much of a cheerful person in winter and this weather doesn't help me at all. Work has finally slowed down a bit so I can now take a deep breath. There may be some changes in the works but we'll see about that.<br />
I miss my mom. I miss M and I miss J. I think it's partly just the time of year but also that I just miss some of my very favorite people. Just talking with them and spending time with them. This kind of weather makes me maudlin.<br />
I still think C and I breaking up was the best decision though it makes me a little lonely. Some people are better as part of a couple and I think I'm one of those. I'm not saying I can't be happy alone because I can and have. I just do a bit better when I have someone to compliment me. <br />
On the derby front- we're doing a private bout for Kraft Foods; there's a men's bout the week after that; and NWARD is otherwise gearing up for our 2011 season. <br />
I need a roommate- who wants to live with me?Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-45757749891556437992010-08-25T13:01:00.001-05:002010-09-23T10:51:49.452-05:00who what?So...............C and I broke up. Again. For good this time I think. It was a mutual decision, based mainly on the fact that we weren't giving each other what we needed to be in a happy healthy relationship. We do love each other but it just wasn't working for us. We are committed to our friendship and I do think that we will be able to remain good friends. I think I'm a better friend than I am girlfriend. I do have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship patterns and hopefully in the future I'll be able to put what I've learned into practice in an effective manner. Oh single life, I both love and hate you.<br />
<br />
My mom is heading down to FL for a few months to help take care of my niece. I'm SO jealous cause she'll be a 20 minute drive from the beach and because she'll get to spend time with L who is the most adorable child. I'll also really miss my mother. We have our ups and downs but are pretty close regardless. My brother should be back from Iraq by the end of the year. Contrary to what they're saying in the news, all combat troops are NOT out of Iraq. Actual troops in combat yes, but all troops that do combat, no. Grrr.<br />
<br />
School started Monday at the UA. I have a love hate relationship with that. Canoeing Labor Day weekend, hopefully a trip to STL in September, and then MS and maybe Fl sometime this fall. Staying busy keeps me out of trouble :)Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-67041404496086549392010-07-30T10:31:00.001-05:002010-07-30T10:31:59.477-05:00Halfway Across the Country and Back AgainSo by now most of you have heard that I was in a car accident last week. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.<br />
<br />
Last Thursday I was on my way to Memphis to catch a bus to Philadelphia to perform at the SGI-USA East Territory Youth Culture Festival. I stopped in Conway to pick up two people- P and E. A few miles outside of Lonoke, my tire blew out. I attempted to pull over to the side of the road. The shoulder was a downward slope before it dipped up again. As we went down the shoulder, the my car flipped a few times. Thankfully we were all wearing our seatbelts. E was fine. He handled it the best out of all of us actually. I was hysterical but otherwise okay. P had to be pulled from the car and was bleeding from her head. I don't know the people were that stopped but I am very grateful that they did. After several men managed to get P out of the car, an ambulance and the police were called. I cried on a strange man's shoulder and tried not to hyperventilate. <br />
<br />
We all rode together in the ambulance and E's mom and a few MD and WD members met us at the hospital. E and I were fine but it was obvious P was not. The hositpal in North Little Rock was not very efficient and after spending several hours waiting in the ER, E and I decided to leave without being seen.<br />
<br />
SGI had arranged a flight for E and I to Philadelphia since we had missed the bus in Memphis. We arrived in Philadelphia late Friday night. I had decided that because of my obstacles in getting to the festival, that I was going to have the best time that I possibly could. I like to think that I did. I met some old friends and new friends. I really had the most amazing time. I was in chorus and I have to say I didn't ever think I could sing as well as I did this past weekend. I was truly inspired by the people around me and my surroundings. I got to spend some time downtown and see the Liberty Bell and eat some delicious Indian food. Monday I opted to take a later flight since mine was oversold and ended up missing my connection in Memphis and spending the night there. I finally got back to Fayetteville on Tuesday morning.<br />
<br />
P was released from the hospital on Monday with a staples in her head, a sprained elbow, and a bruised nerve in her neck that makes her arm go alternately numb and tingly. Overall she's doing fairly well and everything should heal with time. My mom was laid off a few weeks ago and has plenty of free time so she went down to Conway to take care of P for a few weeks. I've known P since she was 8 and I was 14. She's like the little sister I never had. I know that I can't let myself feel guilty because the accident wasn't my fault but I do feel guilty that she was injured under my care. I love her to pieces and I'm glad that she will be okay.<br />
<br />
My insurance will not cover me getting a new car or anything so I will be without a car for who knows how long. I will be getting a bike soon though so that should help. Hopefully my insurance will cover most if not all of P's medical bills. <br />
<br />
My birthday is in a week and I'm rather looking forward to it. I'll be 27, firmly into my late 20's. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing for my birthday yet but that's okay. <br />
<br />
Check out my fb for pictures of my car and trip.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-91764933852433629352010-07-20T10:08:00.000-05:002010-07-20T10:08:21.056-05:00Could it be any hotter?And yes it <i>could </i>be hotter but it's pretty hot right now. Not much going on here. Spending time with my lady. Working. The derb. There's been a bit of drama but hopefully that's all done with. We're reformatting teams and other stuff for next season. Should be interesting.<br />
<br />
I'm heading to Philadelphia this weekend for the SGI East Territory Youth Festival. I think it'll be alot of fun. I'll get to see some people I haven't seen in a few years.<br />
<br />
My birthday is in three weeks! Well more like two and half weeks. I love my birthday. It's the one day that's really all about me. I have no qualms about getting older because I just get better with age.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4869347381821513916.post-90999225466756746312010-06-28T14:11:00.000-05:002010-06-28T14:11:54.386-05:00Amerika, Fuck Yeah!I only require a few things for a good 4th of July holiday- beer, barbecued meat, fireworks, and the woman I love. Did I mention I also am going to have a 4 day weekend? Oh summer how I love thee.Cam or Zillahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090538134018476890noreply@blogger.com0