Just another Fayette-villain

Moving

2011-05-26T13:58:00.000-05:00

I decided to move my blog from blogger to tumblr. You can find it here: http://camorzilla.tumblr.com/. Tumblr has a few more options like being able to post private posts without having to make the entire blog private. I'll probalby keep this one up for a while but all of my previous blog posts have been migrated over. I'm working on the comments but I may have lost those. Thanks!

Dating Adventures Vol. 6 and the Rest of My Life

2011-05-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

So I met this man who makes me happy. Thinking about him puts a stupid grin on my face. It's kind of ridiculous. He has yet to get on my nerves, which is no small feat for those of you who know me. I don't know what it is about him but I feel safe when I'm with him, like I don't have anything to worry about. I have never in my life not wanted to fuck something up as much as I want to not fuck this up. I could really keep him around for a long while I think. I don't worry about what he's thinking or how he feels because he tells me. A few times my brain has tried to resurrect my old crazy relationship insecurities but so far I have been able to smack them back down. I am trying to not be continually surprised at how sweet he is to me. I'm also trying to be open about my feelings and not worry so much about getting hurt. Right now there are so many other things going on in my life and it's nice to not have my relationship be one of them for once. I'm still holding my breath but I've begun to let it out a little at a time. Sometimes I think I might be afraid to let myself be too happy.

Last week I went to a conference in Orlando, FL. It was put on by the United States Electronic Thesis and Dissertation Association. This sounds pretty dry, I know, but it has a lot to do with my job so I was hoping it wouldn't be too boring. Some of the sessions were really boring. But a few them were really interesting and I think that the information I gathered this past week will go a long ways towards changing the way we do things. Some people are resistant to change but in the long run these changes will make things easier, cheaper, and more convenient for students. They will also change the way my office works, for the better. I still have to type up my notes and come up with a proposal but it was nice that graduate school staff across the country have the same issues with students and that it's not just me. The conference also made me think A LOT about my professional life and where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I could really stay in this field (graduate students, thesis/dissertation stuff).

Also on the upside of being in FL for a week- I missed a week of rain in AR apparently. After our last round of rain I think if I had been home it might have just killed me. In Fl, the weather was 80+ all week long and I got to spend some quality time by the pool reading and soaking up some Vitamin D. I've recently started re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series and I totally love it. I first started reading it after my brother gave me the first book for my birthday when I was in high school and finished it when Stephen King FINALLY came out with the last book a few years ago. There's been talk of a film (with Javier Bardem as the gunslinger!) and it made me want to read it again. Currently my bedroom is kind of being overrun by books but I'm actually kind of okay with that.

Oh and NWARD won against ICT 128 to 125 AND I got MVP!!! This is only the second time in my 5 year derby career that this has happened.

Now back to work :)

Dating Adventures Vol. 5 and then some

2011-05-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

Yeah that break I was going to take? Not so much. I'm kinda seeing this new guy and so far so good. It's early days yet though. It's not that I want for something bad to happen, I've just kind of learned to expect it. This weekend we went to a baseball game Friday night, which was a lot of fun. Saturday night we watched movies and he cooked me dinner. It has been YEARS since a man cooked me dinner. Or any meal for that matter. This may seem like a small thing but it's kind of a big deal to me. It tells me that he is actively thinking about doing something nice for me. Or maybe he was just trying to impress me. If so, it totally worked.

So for all that I like to act pessimistic and everything, I'm really an optimist and hopeless romantic. Which I guess is a good thing. I have my occasional bouts of depression and hopelessness but I think those are getting farther and fewer between. Also it's about to be summertime which always cheers me up. It's hard for me to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining and there are green things growing everywhere (thanks to the fucking monsoon rains).

It's almost the end of the semester (only 5 more days!) and I'm really looking forward to it. I still have plenty of work to do in the summer time but everything just slows down a bit. I'm off to Orlando next week for a work conference which will also include a little Mom time since she's only two hours away and will be driving up. Can't wait! I've always been a momma's girl and having my mother so far away has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

It Feels Good to Win

2011-05-02T17:00:00.001-05:00

The Heartbreak Rollers defeated the Hardwood Hustlas 73 to 53. It was a really good game. I am SO proud of my team. Everyone really played their best.

I don't know how it happened but I ended up with the best team (for me). I was not looking forward to having home teams. I was ready to bitch and complain about all of it. But surprisingly I like my team. All of them.

I got a new tattoo several weeks ago. It's a mended heart (broken heart but with the pieces being held together with stitches.) Most people think I got it for my team. This is partly true. My team this season made me fall in love with derby again. To enjoy playing just to play and not have winning be the be all end all goal but just playing the best that you can. I think by being focused on our team work we forgot about ourselves as individuals and were able just to give ourselves up to the game.

The other reason I got my tattoo is because I kind of feel like that's how my heart is. It's been broken but I have all the pieces and it's slowly mending. I just have to hold them all together long enough.

Always Alone

2011-04-23T16:29:00.000-05:00

People always seem to think that I am "so busy" and have "so many friends". Neither of these things is true. I am at work Monday through Friday 8am to 5pm and that takes up the bulk of my time. Derby practice three times a week that I attend roughly 75% of the time (except not so much here lately because of my fucking ankle). But really......I spend much of my time alone. I don't have people calling or texting me at all hours of the day and night or very much at all really. I am not that person that everyone wants to be friends with or wants to hang out with.I don't have a lot of friends, I just know a lot of people. My supposed best friends are busy with lots of other things that don't include me. All of my friends are coupled up and while theoretically I'm happy for them it means less time for me. I feel like the awkward third wheel on the odd occasion when I do hang out with them. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and there's just not much about my life or myself that I like right now. Maybe I'm just too much work for most people to be regular friends with or I have too high of expectations of friendship or something. I really just don't know.

Dating Adventures Vol. 4

2011-04-20T08:47:00.001-05:00

A broke up with me because "he didn't see it going very far". I'm actually really okay with this. I had really been thinking about where our relationship was going (if anywhere) and this saved me from having to make a decision or think about it any more. We agreed to remain friends and it'll be interesting to see if that actually happens.
So I think I may take a break from dating/men/etc. I've said this before so we'll see how long it lasts. Right now my goal is until my birthday which is a little over 3 months. Really it'll be more that I'm not actively looking. If someone amazing drops in my lap I'm not going to turn them away. I just think too much all the time and in particular about dating and relationships.

Dating Adventures Vol. 3 Part 2- Random Aside

2011-04-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

And so at what point do you delete/inactivate your online dating profile? I'm thinking after you have the exclusive talk though neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment (I don't think). I don't plan on seeing anyone else as long as I'm seeing A. I'm not really very good at juggling people anyway. The only thing that made me think of it was that I got a message on one of the sites I'm on. Le sigh. Too much thinking already for today. I think I'll shove this to the back burner for a few weeks and hopefully it will resolve itself.

Dating Adventures Vol. 3

2011-04-12T09:42:00.001-05:00

After my weekend of dates (which was pretty ridiculous quite frankly) the field has narrowed down, partly through choice and also partly through natural selection I guess. I had a great time with A that Friday night and was really glad I had decided to go out with him again despite a first impression that wasn't so great. Coffee with C at the Farmer's Market was just kind of awkward. Though that may have been just me because he sent me a text the next day saying it was nice to meet me and to add him on facebook. That did not happen. I mostly had fun hanging out with B Saturday night but then he pulled a slow fade on me the following week and I haven't heard from him since.

So the thing with A was that I just wasn't sure about the physical attraction. There wasn't really anything else I had an issue with- he's fun to talk to and spend time with. My mom said as long as I didn't feel repulsed by him then there was still potential. And she was totally right. We went to the movies and at one point he reached for my hand.....and I jumped and kind of pulled away. So then I was totally over thinking everything and of course it didn't occur to me to just reach for his hand. Anyway we've since talked about it and everything is fine. I have a lot of fun with him. He's funny. He teases me but in a fun way, not a "I want to kill you if you don't leave me alone" kind of way. He also can beat me at Words with Friends which is pretty hot in my book. He came to an all star game against RVRG (we won! 210 to 69!) and totally enjoyed the derb which is pretty important.We spent most of this past weekend together and he didn't get on my nerves at all which is good for me because I think sometimes I can be kind of impatient and a little critical.

One of the things I always struggle with when dating someone new that I really like is my overactive brain. I just think too much. I always wonder if he is in to me as I am in to him. There have been times when I thought so and that was not the case. I wonder when something is going to go wrong because I feel like surely something this nice cannot last. I also want to spend a lot of time with that person partially cause I really dig them but also because that person is new and fun and interesting and I want to know all about them.

Right now I'm just going to take a deep breath, enjoy myself, and try not to think too much.

Happy Anniversary !

2011-04-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.

Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.

Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else.

Random derby facts about me:
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker
2. I was the first captain of our all star team
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller Warriors

Dating Adventures Vol. 2

2011-03-31T09:36:00.000-05:00

So last week I went out with two different guys. The first guy I'm not really attracted to.....though that could change (let's call him A). The second guy I am more attracted to.....but he doesn't seem to have much potential otherwise (B). Both are kinda nerdy, which I totally dig. Something that I just realized and find kind of amusing is that A has been texting me often enough though not as much as B was the first few days (though he has since fallen off). I was a bit put out when B stopped responding as quickly but totally didn't even give it a second thought in regards to A. I guess it's all about perception. On the other hand, I was listening to NPR on my way home from work yesterday and there was a story that made me think of A.

I have plans with A, maybe B, plus someone I'll call C this weekend. I'm not sure if any of these will amount to anything but I think it's good to dip my toes in every once in awhile.

Dating Adventures Vol. 1

2011-03-23T09:07:00.001-05:00

I was at the liquor store a few weeks ago and apparently a guy I went on a date with in November works there. He said he wold call me and never did. I was okay with that because there wasn't really a connection. He makes a point to come over and apologize for not calling me. Really dude? It's been like 3 months, totally not even on my radar.

I recently joined a new online dating site. I've been getting messages left and right though not many are promising. This one guy decided to IM me and call me rude and then proceeded to block me because I didn't respond quickly enough to his message. It wasn't even 24 hours later.

It's weird to me when you know people in real life and then see their online dating profile. What's even weirder is to see someone's profile that you DON'T know and then run in to them in public. They don't know who you are but you know that they enjoy the farmer's market and long walks. This has happened to me twice in the last month and while it's amusing it also feels a little creepy.

Do I Scare You?

2011-03-16T15:10:00.000-05:00

Recently I was reading an article on one of my favorite sites and there was an article called 7 Pieces of Advice I Made Up For Myself and one of those pieces of advice really spoke to me: 3. Love means never feeling like you might scare someone away.
I almost always feel like I might scare someone away. I can tell you, it is not a nice feeling, like you have to conceal parts of yourself or be less than who you really are in order to reel some unsuspecting person in just for some small chance at happiness. Most of the time I do scale it back a bit and try to present the nicest version of myself. And then once you get comfortable with that person and let down your guard, you're not who they thought you were. I don't do that anymore.
I have had people tell me that I can be intimating, or scary, or just too much to handle. I tell myself that I am better off without these people who can't "handle" me. While I know that I am better off, it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. I know what I want and if you ask me I will tell you. If you can't handle the answer you might want to rethink your questions or who you're asking them to.
I am comfortable with who I am and I not going to fit myself into small dark boxes just to make you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Throw Down My Heart

2011-02-15T16:27:00.002-06:00

So I've been dating J for a month or so. Things were going surprisingly well. I was kind of apprehensive because I'm not used to dating men who treat me well (and aren't crazy or have drama or SOMETHING).

I had been feeling like things were kind of off but it was nothing in particular that I could put my finger on. I wasn't sure it was my gut instincts telling me something was wrong (and my instincts have never steered me wrong once I started listening to them) OR just my own insecurities related to my relationship karma. I've been working on trying to tell the difference. Usually my reaction to issues in a relationship is to cut and run and I'm trying to stop doing that so I don't miss out on someone or something just because I'm scared.

Then, yesterday (which would be Valentine's Day) I felt like things were kind of weird so I asked him what was going on. And he told me that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex. Let me add a note here that we didn't have plans to spend V-day together because of our conflicting work schedules HOWEVER a lady does not like to hear that kind of news on any day much less a holiday that is centered around romantic love.

So here's what I told him. I said that I was pretty awesome and I thought maybe we could be awesome together. There was a reason he broke up with his ex and that if he decided to go back to her there would be no coming back to me. I said that I appreciated his honesty and hoped he would continue to be honest with me whatever happened. I said he could have all the time he needs but there is no guarantee that I would still be around when he made his decision.

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. In the last few years I have made such a difference in the way I handle all my relationships but in particular my romantic ones. I cried for a few minutes after we got off the phone. It was more principle than anything about him in particular. But. I left myself be in a funk all yesterday and then I let it go. There was a reason I met him and maybe I don't know why yet but I will later. I don't regret any of the relationships I've been in over the past few years (which have been 90% bad). I've learned so much about myself and I know that when I do finally meet and fall in love with whoever I'm meant to be with, they will be grateful for all my past relationships too.

One more step in the right direction.

Patience

2011-01-04T12:39:00.001-06:00

Can I just say that I hate dating? Do I like them, do they like me, what are they looking for in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. Usually I end up being more interested in them then they are in me. Or they don't want a serious relationship. Or a monogamous relationship. Or a relationship at all (just sex). Occasionally it's obvious to both of us that neither of us is interested in the other. Occasionally they're more interested in me than I am in them. Very rarely we're equally interested. And sometimes I just can't tell.

In the last few years I've really grown as a person in respect to relationships. I know what I do and don't want. I know what my deal-breakers are. It's hard to meet people in this town. Especially if you're not into the bar scene. I do some online dating and occasionally meet people through friends. Le sigh. Fayetteville is the Bermuda Triangle of the dating world. For reals.

I feel like most people know by the end of the first date if they want to see each other again. By the next date or two you know whether or not you're attracted to that person. And then somewhere, somehow you decide whether or not you want to be in a monogamous relationship with that person.

I personally don't typically date more than one person at a time because I'm just not good at juggling or dividing my time and attention like that. It doesn't bother me (much) if the person I'm dating is also dating other people if we're not having sex and haven't agreed to be monogamous. But what is a good time line for that? I have no clue! Most guys are just trying to get in my pants but those who aren't are sometimes hard to tell apart from the rest. Do I want to be called or texted everyday? Not necessarily but every other day at least. I don't want to be the one to make plans all the time- they should make some effort there too.

I'm not very patient. In fact, I'm kind of known for my impatience. I want what I want how I want it and I want it NOW. I think I'm a pretty decent catch- I have a good job, I'm pretty attractive, in decent shape, have a good relationship with my family, have hobbies that keep me active and my creative juices flowing, I'm a good cook, and I'm a good friend. What are YOU bringing to the table? Does you plus me equal amazing? If you like me, you need to let me know. And if you're not interested, let me know so I can stop wasting my time. People tell me that I can be intimidating. But what does that mean exactly? That I scare off guys who might otherwise have the balls to approach me? That most guys who are interested in me don't have the balls to approach me? Who knows. I seem to have equally bad luck approaching guys as waiting for them to approach me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm fine with being single BUT I do enjoy having a special someone. Hopefully 2011 will be a better year for my love life.

Out With The Old And In With The New

2010-12-21T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.

I sometimes feel really lonely but I know that I truly good friends who really love me (and family of course). I've had to reevaluate some things but came through as a stronger person I think. I still struggle every day but I know that I can handle it.

This year I am thankful that my brother is home safe with his family once again and that I have people that love me and appreciate me in my life.

What does it mean anyway?

2010-11-12T11:32:00.000-06:00

Here lately I've been trying to be more adventurous in my daily life and maybe do things I would normally never do. In the few weeks I have- gone out to a bar for a drink by myself, went dirt biking for the first time, and went to a party where I only knew two people (the host and the person I rode with). I have never been to a bar by myself. I'm usually a little self conscious but I managed to just relax and enjoy myself. The dirt biking was via a random invite from a friend and I was hesitant but decided to try it. S is a great teacher and while it was scary, it was also a lot of fun. I'm going to try and continue this trend but we'll see.

Boys, Guys, Men

2010-11-11T16:56:00.000-06:00

I have decided I need more male friends. Because of derby I actually have more female friends than male and for most of my life the opposite has been true. I can be kind f boy crazy and I think having some more male energy around me will help with that. Also guys are crazy in a different way than women are and that's a nice change. It's hard to cultivate platonic opposite sex friendships though. Some guys aren't interested in having platonic female friends. Some guys think that you want to hang out with them because you're after them (for sex or a relationship or something). Really, I just want to be friends and do friend stuff. Hang out, play video games, watch movies, eat food, drink beer, and do fun stuff. Yeah I like to do girly stuff too but that's what my female friends are for. I do have a few good guy friends who I totally appreciate but I wouldn't mind more. One of my very favorite people, who also happens to be male, is halfway across the world and this has put a dent in the amount of platonic male attention I get. We'll see how my seeking out new friends goes. So far, not great.

I haven't really dated anyone since C and I broke up and I think that's good for me. I'm not taking a break but I'm not worrying or wondering about anything either.

In other news- I'm going to FL for six days at Thanksgiving! Yay! I'll be visiting my mother, sister-in-law, and niece. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to being a bit warmer and having some sun on my face. My brother will be home from Iraq FOR GOOD at the beginning of December. And he'll be out of the army by the end of January 2011. This is the best news I've heard all year. And then him and his family will be here in AR for Christmas. And M will be in Memphis for Christmas so I'll get to see her too! So far, it appears I will have everything I need to have a successful holiday season.

Where's My Green Zebra?

2010-10-19T12:29:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my mom today about some young guy who's after her. If you know me in real life, then you know that my mother tends to date younger, while I tend to date older. This is in no way on purpose on our parts, it's just how it happens.
Anyway, I told her that at least someone was after her, whereas I haven't really been hit on in I don't know when. C says that I tend to be pretty oblivious to when someone is interested in me, cause she's seen it happen. But at the same time, if they don't have the balls to ask me out or anything, do I want to date them anyway? Probably not, but it would at least be nice to be asked. So mom said that it wasn't me (which I know) but that Fayetteville was the Bermuda Triangle of dating. And you know, I have to really agree with her. It's not that way for everybody but for me, definitely. And it blows.

So I wrote the above yesterday when I was feeling kinda not so great. I'm feeling better now. This article is really great and really spoke to me- http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dater-x-rewriting-the-story/

I've been more single than not for the last few years and while I've dated some people that have potential, I've learned so much from all those relationships that didn't work out. Like what I really want in life and love and what I will and will not put up with. It's easy to be complacent but very hard to truly look deep inside yourself and acknowledge what you want and need and deserve. Especially for me because I think in some ways I'm not deserving of something amazing. Yes, I want to fall in love and make babies and have a happy little life (and yes I know it's not that simple) but at the same time, I have learned so much about myself that I wouldn't trade for anything what I've gone through because it's made me so much better as a person. I definitely have a different perspective on men and women and relationships. It's hard for me to just let things happen because, like the control freak that I am, I like everything to go the way it's supposed to go (which is my way in case you didn't know). I've really just now settled in to myself and I'm enjoying it. I would prefer to find my green zebra sooner rather than later but I just keep reminding myself that I have plenty of time.

Three Day Weekend.....Though It Seemed Like 5 or 6 Days

2010-09-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately the Magic City Misfits lost to the St. Louis Gatekeepers but it was a really good game nonetheless. The officiating staff left much to be desired. It would help if the refs could keep up with the skaters. All in all it was a derby-ful weekend with LOTS of time spent at the rink. The Misfits are awesome skaters and people and I can't wait to see them play again.

I have a hard time accepting compliments from people in general, men in particular. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess some people I just don't take seriously? It also doesn't help when these compliments come from men who are otherwise unavailable. I mean, I know I'm beautiful but I guess it just doesn't carry the same weight as if some semi-attractive single guy told me. It probably doesn't help that dating in the 'ville is really not that great. I don't meet many "new" people because I've lived here along time and run with a certain group of people. I also don't do much besides work and derb. Maybe I need a new hobby that gets me out of the house. I think much of this goes hand in hand with me thinking that I'm alot of work as far as being a friend and romantic partner. I'm not sure how this got instilled in me but it sure has held fast in my psyche. People tell me this is not really the case but I don't really believe them.

Fall is finally actaully here. Temperatures in the 70's, the air feels a little chilly but there's some bright sun to warm you up. I think some camping should be in the works sometime soon :). Also: chili.

It Could Be Worse But It Also Could Really Be Better

2010-09-23T11:06:00.000-05:00

Things I'm excited about:
1. My trip to Florida for Thanksgiving
2. The Magic City Misfits bout this Sunday
3. Having a three day weekend
4. Sleeping in over previously mentioned three day weekend
5. Two new books I got for $0.99 each
6. My mom coming up for a long weekend in October

Things I'm not really excited about:
1. Being at work
2. Being single
3. Having former lovers try to persuade me it would be a good idea to have casual sex with them
4. My mom being in Florida
5. All the email I've been getting lately

I don't know why I've been so blah lately. I still miss my mother a lot. And work has just been...frustrating for lack of a better word. I'm constantly interrupted and new things are always being added to my plate. I wouldn't have much problem with this except that these things always need to be done now so I constantly have half finished things while something else takes priority. Many of these things don't actaully need to be done "right now".

Being single isn't terrible and it's actaully kind of nice. It's just my interactions with potential people are annoying and frustrating which is why I like being in a relationship if for no other reason than to not have to navigate the treacherous waters of the dating world. Are they interested or are they not? What exactly is it that they're interested in? I'm not that great at reading signals and even when I think I am or someone helps me out I still crash and burn. I try not to think about it too much.

My mom sends me pictures just about every day with my niece's latest activities/exploits. It's pretty hilarious. L already has a defined personality and it's so great to see how she interacts with the world around her.

Still no roommate but I haven't been looking very hard (or really at all). If it happens, it does. If not, oh well.

It's not quite fall yet but as is usual in Arkansas the weather hasn't quite made up it's mind yet. I think it's about to be camping time. It just need to cool off a bit first.

I'm missing things in my life

2010-09-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

So apparently summer decided to take a nose dive straight into the nasty part of fall weather. I don't like cold weather at all but I do enjoy fall. Those cold mornings and warm sunny afternoons with the crispy smell of leaves in the air. Instead we have chilly, damp, rainy weather. This does not a happy Camille make. I like weather that you can wear a scarf with short sleeves and boots with no tights. Leaves are falling off trees but it's more because the heat killed them, then the slow slide towards winter.
I'm not much of a cheerful person in winter and this weather doesn't help me at all. Work has finally slowed down a bit so I can now take a deep breath. There may be some changes in the works but we'll see about that.
I miss my mom. I miss M and I miss J. I think it's partly just the time of year but also that I just miss some of my very favorite people. Just talking with them and spending time with them. This kind of weather makes me maudlin.
I still think C and I breaking up was the best decision though it makes me a little lonely. Some people are better as part of a couple and I think I'm one of those. I'm not saying I can't be happy alone because I can and have. I just do a bit better when I have someone to compliment me.
On the derby front- we're doing a private bout for Kraft Foods; there's a men's bout the week after that; and NWARD is otherwise gearing up for our 2011 season.
I need a roommate- who wants to live with me?

who what?

2010-08-25T13:01:00.001-05:00

So...............C and I broke up. Again. For good this time I think. It was a mutual decision, based mainly on the fact that we weren't giving each other what we needed to be in a happy healthy relationship. We do love each other but it just wasn't working for us. We are committed to our friendship and I do think that we will be able to remain good friends. I think I'm a better friend than I am girlfriend. I do have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship patterns and hopefully in the future I'll be able to put what I've learned into practice in an effective manner. Oh single life, I both love and hate you.

My mom is heading down to FL for a few months to help take care of my niece. I'm SO jealous cause she'll be a 20 minute drive from the beach and because she'll get to spend time with L who is the most adorable child. I'll also really miss my mother. We have our ups and downs but are pretty close regardless. My brother should be back from Iraq by the end of the year. Contrary to what they're saying in the news, all combat troops are NOT out of Iraq. Actual troops in combat yes, but all troops that do combat, no. Grrr.

School started Monday at the UA. I have a love hate relationship with that. Canoeing Labor Day weekend, hopefully a trip to STL in September, and then MS and maybe Fl sometime this fall. Staying busy keeps me out of trouble :)

Halfway Across the Country and Back Again

2010-07-30T10:31:00.001-05:00

So by now most of you have heard that I was in a car accident last week. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

Last Thursday I was on my way to Memphis to catch a bus to Philadelphia to perform at the SGI-USA East Territory Youth Culture Festival. I stopped in Conway to pick up two people- P and E. A few miles outside of Lonoke, my tire blew out. I attempted to pull over to the side of the road. The shoulder was a downward slope before it dipped up again. As we went down the shoulder, the my car flipped a few times. Thankfully we were all wearing our seatbelts. E was fine. He handled it the best out of all of us actually. I was hysterical but otherwise okay. P had to be pulled from the car and was bleeding from her head. I don't know the people were that stopped but I am very grateful that they did. After several men managed to get P out of the car, an ambulance and the police were called. I cried on a strange man's shoulder and tried not to hyperventilate.

We all rode together in the ambulance and E's mom and a few MD and WD members met us at the hospital. E and I were fine but it was obvious P was not. The hositpal in North Little Rock was not very efficient and after spending several hours waiting in the ER, E and I decided to leave without being seen.

SGI had arranged a flight for E and I to Philadelphia since we had missed the bus in Memphis. We arrived in Philadelphia late Friday night. I had decided that because of my obstacles in getting to the festival, that I was going to have the best time that I possibly could. I like to think that I did. I met some old friends and new friends. I really had the most amazing time. I was in chorus and I have to say I didn't ever think I could sing as well as I did this past weekend. I was truly inspired by the people around me and my surroundings. I got to spend some time downtown and see the Liberty Bell and eat some delicious Indian food. Monday I opted to take a later flight since mine was oversold and ended up missing my connection in Memphis and spending the night there. I finally got back to Fayetteville on Tuesday morning.

P was released from the hospital on Monday with a staples in her head, a sprained elbow, and a bruised nerve in her neck that makes her arm go alternately numb and tingly. Overall she's doing fairly well and everything should heal with time. My mom was laid off a few weeks ago and has plenty of free time so she went down to Conway to take care of P for a few weeks. I've known P since she was 8 and I was 14. She's like the little sister I never had. I know that I can't let myself feel guilty because the accident wasn't my fault but I do feel guilty that she was injured under my care. I love her to pieces and I'm glad that she will be okay.

My insurance will not cover me getting a new car or anything so I will be without a car for who knows how long. I will be getting a bike soon though so that should help. Hopefully my insurance will cover most if not all of P's medical bills.

My birthday is in a week and I'm rather looking forward to it. I'll be 27, firmly into my late 20's. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing for my birthday yet but that's okay.

Check out my fb for pictures of my car and trip.

Could it be any hotter?

2010-07-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

And yes it could be hotter but it's pretty hot right now. Not much going on here. Spending time with my lady. Working. The derb. There's been a bit of drama but hopefully that's all done with. We're reformatting teams and other stuff for next season. Should be interesting.

I'm heading to Philadelphia this weekend for the SGI East Territory Youth Festival. I think it'll be alot of fun. I'll get to see some people I haven't seen in a few years.

My birthday is in three weeks! Well more like two and half weeks. I love my birthday. It's the one day that's really all about me. I have no qualms about getting older because I just get better with age.

Amerika, Fuck Yeah!

2010-06-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

I only require a few things for a good 4th of July holiday- beer, barbecued meat, fireworks, and the woman I love. Did I mention I also am going to have a 4 day weekend? Oh summer how I love thee.

Baby Fever

2010-06-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

My mother and I visited C's new baby, D, on Saturday. OMG. She's so adorable and I'm totally in love with her. She gives my niece L a run for her money in cuteness. C and S are both attractive people so I knew they wouldn't have an ugly baby, it also probably helps that I love her parents too. I've always known I wanted to have kids (preferably my own but I'm totally down with adoption if it comes to that) but being surrounded by babies really makes me want them RIGHT NOW. Which is not smart or really feasible or affordable right now but my hormones don't really care about any of that. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time, etc. but jeez.

I'm more okay with my job than not, I was just having a not so great day last time I posted. I applied for another job on campus. I've had an interview and I think it went really well so we'll see if I make it to round two. I like my job now but I think I'm ready for some new challenges. I was at my step-dad's Sunday for Father's Day and I was telling him about all this. He was saying there's nothing wrong with staying at a good job. It's different for most people now just with the economy and the way other things have changed (most people don't stay at the same place for 20 or even 10 years). Working for the state I have a lot of really awesome benefits that alot of people I know don't have. One of my coworkers and I were having a conversation about being a "lifer" i.e. in for the long haul at the university. I think I would be okay with that. I need to get away from other people's opinion about what I should would could do and think about what would make me happy.

C and I are doing mostly good. Finally said the l word here recently. Being in love with her kinda freaks me out but I'm more okay with it now. We got in a fight the other night. I like to be right and can be kind of (okay, very) insistent when I know I am. She isn't as forceful as I am and will just back down. Which I don't like. I told her she needs to tell me to shut up and stop being an asshole. I need someone to tell me these things because most of the time I don't realize I come across that way. We also just process information and communicate differently. This is usually the source of our disagreements. We both think we're talking about the same thing but we're really not. I need people to be direct with me because otherwise I just don't get it. And I need to be more considerate of other people in general, and my girlfriend in particular. I've gotten better at it in the last few years but there is still much room for improvement.

The Killbillies are done for the season (unless by some chance we make it regionals). There's been some changes in coaching staff which seems to be going well so far. There will be some big changes before next season.....we'll see how that goes. Mostly good I think. The league has been exploding in size at a rate we have never seen before. Fayetteville and the Skatium have been very good to us.

Work work work

2010-06-08T09:46:00.001-05:00

Some days, like today, I feel totally disillusioned and unhappy with my job. I like it for the most part but I take a lot of crap in my position. I don't want to do it forever but I'm not sure what exactly I want to do. If I do want to do something else, I'll have to leave here. I can't move up because I don't have any supervisory experience but I can't get any in the position I'm in. I like working for who I work for but it gets frustrating. With the economy the way it is, I'm not going to up and leave just because. I have a good boss, good benefits, and a pretty good work environment. I don't want to go back to school because quite frankly I don't enjoy it and there's nothing that I'm that interested in.
I enjoy administrative work but I currently see no way really for advancement. Part of it is that I like my benefits working for the state and so would prefer to move to another state job if I did move. Blah.

On the Upswing

2010-06-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I took my girlfriend out on a really fun date. Saturday we drove down to Ft. Smith and went thrift store shopping (led by N) which resulted in C finding a pair of awesome boots as well as some amusing pictures. After that, we went to The Park at West End which has an old school ferris wheel and carousel. We ate sno cones and took fun pictures. It was SO much fun. C really loves carnivals and this was almost like a mini one. There weren't very many people there either which was nice.
Sunday night we went to the drive-in to see Prince of Persia and Alice in Wonderland. C hadn't even been to the drive-in before and it was alot really nice. We snuck in drinks and snacks.
Monday I broke out my grill for the first tie this season and made asian grilled chicken, some citrus salmon, and corn on the cob. All in all, a lovely holiday weekend.\

C and S welcomed their baby girl today! I'm so happy for them. She's beautiful (just like I knew she would be!). I'm surrounded by babies. H is due at the end of June but she's in Alaska so I won't her for awhile. And one of my coworkers is also due at the end of June.

We're off to Lubbock, TX this weekend to play West Texas and then to KC the weekend after. The Backwoods Betties are hosting a regional tournament the weekend after and I'll be playing! I'm super excited. All derby, all the time. What did I do with all the free time I apparently had before I started laying rollerderby?

To Do List For The Next Few Days

2010-05-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

1. Clean my house from top to bottom
2. Do laundry
3. Clean out all three of my closets
4. Do something with the laundry room
5. Clean up my deck (and buy some citronella candles)
6. Rearrange my living room
7. Possibly paint either the living room or kitchen or both
8. Take my girlfriend on a surprise adventure
9. Take Gizmo to the park
10. Enjoy my 3 day weekend :)

Halfway There and Back Again

2010-05-26T14:35:00.001-05:00

Last weekend my mom, my girlfriend, and I drove 18+ hours to FL to visit my brother (who was home on leave from Iraq), my sister-in-law, and my niece. I seriously had my doubts about this but still wanted to go. I knew my mom would drive me crazy at some point because that's just a given. I was worried that I would want to kill C by the end of it all. But actually, it was a lovely trip. While my mom did still drive me a little crazy, C and I got along just fine and I had a wonderful time with my family. Watching my niece and my brother together are the cutest thing ever. They've been communicating through Skype and you would never know my niece hadn't seen her daddy in 6 months. My niece is amazing and she has amazing parents! They adore her and she adores them. She's pretty hilarious and I can't wait until she starts talking.

Things with C are good, very good. Scarily so to me because I always expect the worse I guess? A friend of mine pointed out that I'm way harder on my self and view myself as a lot more trouble than I really am. Which is nice to hear. We all have our little bits of crazy, it's just a matter of whether or not the god stuff outweighs the crazy. C certainly seems to think so and I just need to learn to be comfortable with that.

Lots of stuff coming up this summer- going to the Indigo Girls tonight at the AMP, Memorial Day weekend this weekend with a surprise day trip for my girl, bout in West Texas next weekend, bout in KC the weekend after that, Betties Regional Tournament the weekend after that. And a trip to Philly mid- July for SGI stuff. Also what to do 4th of July weekend? I've been out of town the past two years in a row. I think I'd like to chill locally and grill, drink beer, and set off a bunch of fireworks. Possibly at my house if nothing else turns up. We'll see.

Oh summer how I do love thee.

Condoleezza Wanted To Play In The WNBA | The Frisky- Why Sports Are good For Women

2010-05-18T08:12:00.000-05:00

Condoleezza Wanted To Play In The WNBA | The Frisky

This article is really awesome and highlights many of the reasons I enjoy playing rollerderby. I think people who have never played team sports underestimate the impact it can have on one's life. I came late to the athletics game having never played in high school or college but I can definitely say that it has made me a better person and I'm glad to be where I am.

Summer Here I Come

2010-05-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

The school year is over! Oh how I love Fayetteville when students are gone. I know I wouldn't have a job and Fayetteville wouldn't have some of the awesome things it does without the college community and all that. But the lack of coeds in the street and traffic in the morning is quite nice.

My brother has made it halfway through his second tour of Iraq and his home on leave right now. Mom, C, and I are driving down to FL next weekend for a quick visit. I'm super excited about seeing everyone again! L is looking more and more like J every day. It's so hilarious. I wonder what she'll REALLY look like when she grows up and if people will think she's white. She's 3/4 so mostly, but we do live in the South. One drop is all it takes. She already has more olive skin than other babies and living in FL will only help it along. So far her hair is light brown leaning towards blond and curls when wet. Both her parents have thick hair that curls naturally so she'll have a serious head of hair at some point.

Mom is who suggested that C come along on our trip, partially so that we'd have another driver. I had my doubts about all that time in a car together but I think we'll be okay. The weather has been gorgeous there, perfect for the beach :). Hopefully I won't end my trip broken out in hives like last time.

Things between C and I are good I think. We're both guarded in different ways about different things but time is the only thing that will help with that. I think we're both doing better at communication. You would think as much as I like to talk I would be really good at it but unfortunately this is not the case; especially with people that are really important to me.

The Killbillies last home game of the season is this Saturday! We're playing Dallas Derby Devils who are ranked #4 in our region. We're ranked #10. We can beat them, the question is will we beat them? I sure hope so. Our season so far is 3-1 and I'd really like to continue our winning streak :). After this it's away games, one in West TX and the other in KC. Nothing says summer to me like traveling for the derb. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before I played rollerderby. I mean, I must have had a lot of it to be able to fit it into my life and still do other things. Who knows?

Just Who Do You Think I Am?

2010-04-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder who exactly people think I am. I wonder what they think because I'm "young", or because I'm light and have light eyes, because I'm a black woman, because I'm "just" a secretary. I think that they think I will see the error of my ways, or why they're right and I'm wrong, or what they're saying make so much sense. Or that I will just not argue and go along with it. I am not that person and never have been. Prove that I'm wrong and I might admit it. There are no guarantees. I may admit that you're right and still vehemently disagree with you. It's just how I am. Whatever stereotypes you think want to apply to me you might as well forget right now. I am not her or it or this or that. Come a little closer and I might let you in. No guarantees.

Everything Old is New Again

2010-04-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

Oh how I love springtime and summer, sunny skies and blooming flowers. This is a good time of year to meet me if you don't already know because I am invariably in a good mood. Regular sunlight does that to me.

The other night I dreamed that I was in NYC visiting M. We were on the subway with some other people who I knew in the dream but don't know who they are in real life. It made me miss M a little more than I already do, and the city just a little bit. I'd like to make a trip up there this summer but I don't know if I can swing that. Oh well. I think she'll be coming down to visit sometime this summer. Maybe we can rendezvous in Memphis at some point if not the 'ville. WFTDA nationals are in Chicago this year in October- we'll see each other there if nothing else.

So C and I are dating again. We've remained friends through all of this and I really enjoy spending time with her. We both dated other people which made us appreciate each other more. I also think we have better ideas about what we want from a relationship and each other. I've been resisting this for awhile, my main concern being that I would end up breaking her heart. That could still happen though I really hope it won't. My mom pointed out that C is an adult and she can make her own decisions regardless of how I feel about them. I'm trying to work on my tendency to run at the first sign of trouble. I think it's good I did in this situation because we wouldn't have otherwise learned the things we did.

I haven't gotten any texts or phone calls from R here lately but I know that this post will probably result in me getting more. See, he reads this but doesn't comment. He prefers to send me nasty texts messages instead.I don't have many deal breakers but I do have a few and one of them is people treating me badly through words or deeds. When someone says things like " you need to up your prozac", that's taking something personal I shared and using it to hurt me- not acceptable. I don't want to be blamed for someone else's bad behavior. This is the last time I'm going to say anything about this or him. I can't believe I wasted this much time and space.

It's not about you

2010-04-15T20:19:00.002-05:00

I wish people could move on as quickly as I could. When I decide I'm done, I'm really done. I don't try to think of things to hurt other people cause they're not that important to me. I understand some people just can't let go but don't try to drag me with you.

Boom

2010-04-15T16:08:00.001-05:00

I've been hanging out a lot with C lately after the fiasco that was R. It's been kinda weird but mostly okay. I kinda feel like we're where we were before we started dating but just not as much sexual tension. It's still there, just not as bad. I feel like I need to talk about it and analyze it which is my downfall on a lot of things. And there's nothing to talk about or analyze I don't think. It has been making me rethink some decisions but I don't think I know enough of what I want to go anywhere with it. This is sometimes my problem- I think I know what i want and then things get a little cloudy.

I ran into the B look-a-like at kickball on Sunday and he got my number but I otherwise haven't heard from him. It weirds me out a bit how much they look alike and even have some similar expressions. It's like they could be related but I know they're not. I need to hang out with him more I think to get over that but we'll see if that actaully happens. I really need to get to be friends with anyone before I even start to think about dating them. I'm not so great at that though. I'm working on it.

I need to learn to manage my money better. I'll be doing okay and then kind of fall off the wagon. I've been thinking about maybe trying to get another roommate since I doubt I'll be able to find somewhere else cheaper to move having a dog and all. It's going to be hard though cause I'm not big on living with people. Part of the reason it worked with D is because we've known each other for so long. We'll see.

I've applied for a job with the Arkansas Department of Health. I found it on an AR State Jobs website. I (mostly) love working at the Grad School and the people I work with and whatnot BUT the position I've applied for would give me a chance to grow professionally and I'd be making ever so slightly more money. I still haven't figured out what I'm passionate about but I do enjoy administrative work. Who knows what'll happen though.

I've been playing around in Adobe Illustrator and I totally love it.I've designed some cards and one of the many tattoos I want to get. I need to save some money though :( I have 3 I would like to get sometime in the next 6 months or so and another that's more of a long term project.

I'm SO glad springtime is finally really here. Sunny days make my soul happy. I've been spending time outside when possible and it's lovely.

Some updated pics of my wonderful canine companion!

2010-04-09T10:01:00.002-05:00

I'm too old for this shit.

2010-04-05T08:37:00.000-05:00

I swear, almost every time I start dating someone new I'm reminded of why I don't really date. Some people's ideas of what is normal and right and good are sharply skewed and I'd do well to remember that. Who do you think you are that I should put up with your bullshit and let you talk to me this way? Maybe when I was younger I would have let it happen but I'm too old for this shit. Have a nice life.

Spring is finally here! Played some kickball this weekend, got rid of some crazy in my life, had some cocktails with friends. I need to stay away from the d for awhile. Jeez. I never learn.

Spring What?

2010-03-23T09:48:00.001-05:00

So on the first day of spring Fayetteville got over a foot of snow. I was in Memphis where it was a sunny 60-something degrees. Oh Arkansas how you disappoint me. This happens every year to some degree. It'll be warm and pretty and then the weather will get cold and nasty again. And every year I'm surprised. I don't know why. I've lived here for over 10 years. You would think I was used to it by now. But no. I'm still tricked every year.

Drove back from Little Rock on Sunday with R. We didn't see any snow until we hit Ft. Smith. Before that it was just rain. Stopped and visited N for a little while. That was nice. I haven't actaully seen her in a few years. We may hang out again next week when she's in the 'ville.

I'm leaving for FL the day after tomorrow! So excited to L and S. L gets more adorable every day. It's pretty ridiculous. I can't believe she's going to be 1 already! Also I'll get to see open water! Yay! Even though it'll just the Gulf. Oh I can't wait to spend some time on the beach! Sand between my toes, the sun on my skin, and the wind in my hair.

R seems pretty cool thus far :) We had a good time hanging out this weekend. He's coming to my game next month and we've made plans to go camping when it gets warm. I've discovered some things about myself- I think I usually go for people who are emotionally unavailable so that I'm not forced to open up or share myself. And because of my guardedness I also sometimes attract needy/clingy people. Why do I have to be so complicated? I'm working on trying to open up but damn it's hard. And I don't know why. I mean I know I'm afraid of getting hurt but I don't really know the reason behind it. I kind of feel like I'm doomed to be alone until I do figure it out or at least until someone likes/loves me enough to stick around while I try to figure it out. At least I'm aware of it.

Here, there, and everywhere

2010-03-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I'm going to start taking it easy and not do so much stuff. But that never works out. There's always something else I want to do or have to do or just think it would be a good idea to do. But then, it's nice to have opportunities to travel and meet new people and see new things. The past three weekend have been derby, derby, and more derby. This weekend I have a Buddhist activity in Memphis (youth festival!) and then I'm going to stop in Little Rock to hangout with a friend. That should be fun and........ interesting. I'm not sure what R and I are going to do but bowling is on the table.

C and I have been working on our friendship and I think it's going well. It's nice to have good friends :). I started talking to N again. We haven't really talked in years. It's kinda weird but edging towards normal. I may stop in the Fort on my way back Sunday and visit.

Next weekend mom and I will be in FL visiting S and L! I'm SO excited. It's L's first birthday and I'll get to see open water. Oh how I love the beach!

I swear with me it's either feast or famine. Nothing is ever simple. Like this whole taking a break thing. Sort of not really happening. C commented on how she thought I should jump back in and keep trying until I get it right (sort of) not remove myself from the situation. If it at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I'm still going to take it slowish though whatever I end up doing.

In general, I like things to be neat and orderly. Since I took down my dreads and cut my hair, my hair has been anything but. Spiral curls are not neat or orderly. It's been a bit of a struggle for me to give in to my hair and to accept the disarray. I really enjoy it now though and think that currently my hair suits me better than it ever has. I've gotten more compliments on my hair in the past 4 months than in the previous 4 years which lets me know it was the right decision.

Yay for Spring!

Stuck in the Middle

2010-03-09T09:23:00.000-06:00

I hate being in the middle of things. And it's not even really in the middle cause one side tells me things and the other doesn't. Which makes me feel weird. I know that not everyone likes to share every detail of their life the way that I do. I get that, I do. It just makes me wonder what they're not telling me about me and that just feeds into my insecurities I have about people and relationships. I can't just cut them off but it is sometimes oh so tempting.

NOLA was mostly fun. Being in a van for 12 hours with 14 people is not at the top of my list for a good time but it actaully was okay. I'm still tired, still recovering. But we won! 151 to 119. And I played pretty well. About as well as last weekend against COMO.

My winter doldrums are slowly lifting. It was warm and gorgeous this weekend and that definitely helped. I have lots of stuff coming up and that really makes me just want to retreat from all of it. On the upside- going to FL in a few weeks to visit S and L with my mom. Should be fun.

I have my work evaluation today. Super not looking forward to it. I've had a different supervisor for every eval I've had at this job. I never learn anything constructive or that I didn't already know. Boo hiss.

Dating Shouldn't Have To Be Expensive | The Frisky

2010-03-04T14:16:00.000-06:00

Dating Shouldn't Have To Be Expensive | The Frisky So true!

Keeping the past where it belongs

2010-03-02T14:30:00.000-06:00

Today I had lunch with B. I haven't seen him in over a year (since the Ice storm of 2009 actually). We'd been on-again off-again lovers for almost two years. My usual story- I had feelings for him and he didn't have feelings for me but we kept on. I'm not sure what made me finally break it off but I'm glad I did. I've come a long way in the last year and I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. We didn't even start talking again until a month or two ago. I was unsure about how wise that was but did it anyway. Today when I saw him, I felt nothing. No attraction, nothing. It was awesome. The conversation was a little awkward at first but then fell back into our usual pattern of giving each other a hard time. Anyway it was nice to have a bit more closure.

In other news C and I have started hanging out again and it's not very weird. We had lunch last Friday and it was a little awkward at first but we're good now. We hung out Saturday before and after the game. Speaking of the game....I got Blocker MVP!!! I never get stuff like this and it was a nice boost. We defeated COMO 200 to 106. They do Blocker and Jammer MVP's. Usually there's just one MVP and a jammer always gets it. I like their system and hope we will continue to use it.This weekend we're headed to New Orleans to take on Big Easy Rollergirls. Our record with the is 2-0 and hopefully that will continue. Super stoked!!!

Some things still make me crazy and I wish they didn't but there's not much I can do about it except deal with it. And they also bring up the things that I'm most insecure about, which are mainly my body and will I ever find someone who feels the same way about me that I do about them.

Mom and I are going to visit my sister-in-law and niece in Florida in 3 weeks!!! Super excited. I'm fien with doing nothing but spending time with them and hanging out on the beach.

Where do we go from here?

2010-02-23T22:36:00.000-06:00

So I know I don't have any right to say this really since I broke up with her- but I miss my friend. I don't miss the relationship and I still firmly believe it was the best decision for both of us. We're not really talking right now cause she's dealing with things (mostly me) not that I can blame her. I'm not an easy person. But I do miss discussing my day and just hanging out with someone who's become a good friend over the last year.

Tonight at practice I was feeling kind of, oh I don't know, distant maybe? kind of secluded from the league. I get to feeling this way on occasion, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not entirely sure why. I've had some moments since M left but C kind of helped with that. I just sometimes feel like if I wasn't there, no one would miss me, even though I know that's not true. Maybe it's just because it's hard for me to form close friendships and I don't feel like I really have that with anyone on league right now.

I've realized that I have issues separating physical closeness, intimacy, sex, lust, and infatuation. It kind of makes me not trust myself. I've decided to take a break from being involved with anyone for.....awhile. Time for a little self reflection.

February is almost over.....

2010-02-22T08:47:00.000-06:00

C and I broke up over the weekend. It wasn't completely unexpected but still sad. She deserves better than I could give her. I'm hopeful that we can remain friends.

I have a lot of self reflection before I'm ready for another relationship I think. At least I recognize my issues more now that previously.

Practice was amazing last night. Almost everyone on league was there so scrimmaging was amazing. Killbillies actually got to play together as a team. We're playing COMO this weekend which should be fun and then we're off to NOLA the weekend after that. Can't wait!

Will winter ever end?

2010-02-16T23:40:00.000-06:00

I'm really done with snow and cold and any sort of winter weather. I'm more of a summer and sunshine kind of girl anyway. I always have been. I could never see ice again except as cubes in my cocktails and be perfectly okay with that. I usually am kind of sad/depressed/down in winter time just because of the lack of warm and sunlight. This year it''s been a little worse I think. I was okay up until all the snow in January. Fayetteville has never had this many snowfalls in the 10+ years that I have lived here. I can't wait for it to be warm again and I can unearth my flipflops.

I've been wanting alot of alone time lately and that's been rather difficult. I'm at work all day surrounded by people and have to interact with them. A few nights a week I have activities that require more interaction like derby and my Buddhist activities. Usually I like to recharge by spending time alone, just me and Gizmo. And sometimes she's too much company for me. Though I enjoyed D living with me, I really enjoy living alone and being able to come home and shut everyone out. My mother and I had a conversation about how we're both very similar in this. Occasionally I recharge by spending time with people but that doesn't happen often.

I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks for derby and I'm pretty excited. Hopefully the weather will be at least a few degrees warmer there. I also have a few friends that live there that have never seen me play so that's exciting. Also- more black people than I see in a week in Fayetteville, delicious food, and maybe a little shopping.

This and that

2010-01-28T09:47:00.000-06:00

I haven't felt much like blogging lately, mostly because I've been so busy it's been hard to articulate how I feel about a lot of things. The first two weeks of school are over and so that craziness is behind me. A welcome reprieve before the office starts gearing up for commencement.

Killbillies had our first home game of the season this past Saturday at our new home, the Starlight Skatium. We lost to Memphis (boo) but had an amazing SOLD OUT crowd. Close to 600 people were there, over 200 turned away. Finally NWARD has the adoring crowd we deserve. It was such a great feeling. We have a game against Assassination City in Dallas this weekend but don't think we're going to make it because of the weather. It's supposed to start raining/freezing rain/sleet/wintry mix this afternoon and then get worse as the evening goes on. I'm hoping to leave work early.

C and I are still dating which is nice. I haven't dated anyone that I was friends with first in forever. She already knows all of my faults and still likes me :) Which is good cause I'm not exactly low maintenance. We spend ridiculous amounts of time together. Sorry if you're one of the people I've been neglecting. I'm working on getting some balance in my life.

In other news- my niece is getting bigger and more beautiful every day! Also I will have TWO new nieces in June! My best friend C and her husband S are expecting a girl and so is H, my brother's sister in Alaska. I'm super excited. More babies in the family. Yay! I'm need to get started crocheting baby blankets. Another friend of mine is due in May but is having a boy.

Oh yeah my brother started a blog http://gijoehill.blogspot.com. It's mostly his random rantings. He's trying to collect some followers.

New York, New York

2010-01-02T11:13:00.003-06:00

So right now I'm sitting in LaGuardia waiting for my flight back to Fayetteville. I'm glad to be going home, sleeping in my own bed, and seeing my girl but I'm not glad to be leaving one of my best friends
behind. It was a great trip though I think I'll try to stick with visiting not in winter. It has snowed twice during my five day visit. I think I've gotten more sentimental in my old age. I used to hardly ever cry and now it seems like a lot of things will at the drop of a hat. M and I went to the Cathedral of St. John of the Divine and they had an AIDS memorial Christmas tree. There were little notes people had left, those made me want to cry they were so heartbreaking. Weddings always make me cry I've discovered. Thinking about my brother in Iraq away from his family brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if maybe I'm just more compassionate than I used to be or maybe I've just gotten less selfish.

Something about C turns me into this crazy jealous person. I don't know why. It mostly relates to M but it's not rational. We've been friends for 13 years and I know he'd never make a move on my girl. But
the rational part of my brain has not been talking to the crazy part. I talked to M the other day though and we're good. I apologized in advance for any craziness I may display towards him. And then I told C
all about it. I think she thought it was kinda cute. I really like this girl, that's my only defense. We're kind of ridiculous.

A New Adventure

2009-12-28T17:10:00.000-06:00

I'm off to New York to visit M tomorrow! I'm so excited!!! Gizmo is off to play in the country and I'm finishing up laundry and packing. I'll post photo updates, don't you worry.

In the last year one of my best friends moved halfway across the country and the other one got married. I've been feeling a little adrift and am kind of just now realizing why. I think I'll be okay though.

I've been spending a lot of time with C here lately. I'm really enjoying myself. Someone asked me where this was going and I don't know and right now I'm not going to think about it too hard. We're officially dating and a few people have referred to her as my girlfriend. And I'm okay with that.

Plans....

2009-12-21T10:54:00.000-06:00

Christmas is in 3 days. I'm looking forward to it mostly because it comes with a week and half off work. One week from tomorrow I'll be in NYC with M for 5 days. SO excited!

I'm dating someone new? Kinda strange and definitely unexpected but in a very good way. I took up with M again but I'll be breaking it off again. I'm not willing to share C and she's not thrilled about sharing me either.

So Scott Leeper (who's this awesome blues guitarist) is playing at Smoke and Barrel on Christmas Eve. I think Mom and I are going to go. And then Christmas Day we're going to go see Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Junior. AND THEN the Starlight Skatium has it's grand opening the day after Christmas. That will be so much fun! C and I went and skated Friday night. The floor is so smooth and amazing. I can't wait to have practice and bouts there.

It Makes My Heart Hurt

2009-12-18T08:51:00.000-06:00

My brother is being deployed today for his second tour in Iraq. He's 22. My brother and I have never been close. I probably resented him from the moment of his birth, taking my place as the baby. There were times living in the same town we didn't see or talk to each other for months. Over the last few years however, we've gotten closer and I definitely appreciate him more and I like to think he appreciates me too.

I can't comment on my brother as a husband or son or friend. He's improved as a sibling. But one thing I can say, is that he adores his daughter, my niece. She is the image of him as a toddler but with more my personality. I love her with all my heart and I know he does too. I can't imagine in what world deploying a unit right before Christmas is a good idea. He will miss L's first Christmas, her first birthday, and her first steps. This is not a world that I like living in. I'm fairly liberal. I'm not pro-military but I don't blame the soldiers that are doing a job because they're not in charge. The army has been the best thing that ever happened to my brother if only because it gave him a new and much needed perspective on life.

My thoughts and prayers for this new year are only that my brother come home to his family safely, all in one piece, with everything that he left with.

Funny tidbit

2009-12-14T12:05:00.000-06:00

So there's this married guy who has the hots for me, R. I was super attracted to him.....before I found out he was married. I won't lie, I kissed him a few times and felt semi terrible but I haven't seen him in months. I'm glad he lives in a different town. I saw R Sunday night and he asked how my boyfriend was. I told him that I broke up with E because he didn't ever want to get married or have kids again and those were deal breakers for me. He asked why I didn't stay with him because maybe he'd change his mind. So I said "that would be like me fucking you and hoping you would divorce your wife". He didn't have much to say after that. Muah!

Fa la fucking la

2009-12-14T10:29:00.000-06:00

Christmas is right around the corner. It looks like it may just be me and mom this year. I'm okay with that. A nice chill Christmas watching movies, some cocktails, and good food. Then off to New York to see M and enjoy New Years.

Last night several of us went to Tulsa to participate in a charity bout. There were 9 of us from NWARD and girls from several other leagues. We were split up into 4 teams and played a mini tournament. My team won! It was SO much fun. The last game I played was our tournament in Alabama in July. It was a nice warm up for our game in January against Memphis. It was nice to see my girls again. Can't wait for out 2010 season! It's going to be so ridic.

My love life is complicated. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Not everything is black and white

2009-12-09T09:41:00.000-06:00

So I reading this article about lesbians and sexuality and a bunch of other stuff and it got me thinking. A lot of people think of sexuality in absolutes. You're either straight or gay and the people in between (who may or may not identify as bisexual) are "confused" or something. This is super annoying to me. I blogged about this a few months ago but I have a crush on a friend and she has a crush on me and so I started thinking about it again. Most people assume I'm straight and I let them because it's easier and my sexuality is no one's business and I really don't want to have that discussion with most people. M and I had a conversation several months ago about the fluidity of sexuality. I know women who always considered themselves straight until they met a woman they were attracted to. I know men who were married to women and have kids and are gay. I consider myself bisexual but I kinda really hate that word and the connotations that are associated with it. I don't know who I'll end up spending the rest of my life with. It may be a man, it may be a woman. I just want someone who thinks I'm awesome, amazing and wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

Boo

2009-12-07T14:33:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling cranky today. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm a little tired from this weekend but I did get plenty of sleep/rest last night. People are just super annoying me today. They want to give me too much information and the information they want to give me isn't even the right information. Ugh.

I have class tonight hopefully followed by some Super Mario on Wii and a stiff drink.

Two and half weeks until Christmas break, three weeks until New York! I'm counting down the days.

All alone again

2009-12-04T08:04:00.000-06:00

E and I finally talked last night. We broke up :( but there wasn't really any way around it. We're going to try and be friends which I think we can do. I hope so. Overall I think we had a good talk.

This what I told him: That I REALLY like him. That when he calls or texts me it makes me smile. That I enjoy spending time with him and being close to him and I like that he doesn't tease me about the big things that bother me but only the small things. But that no marriage and no kids was a deal breaker for me. That there was just no way I couldn't not have kids. I told him that I thought he was hurt and afraid after the death of his son and his divorce and that I couldn't even begin to understand how he felt but I couldn't wait for him or be in a relationship with him hoping that he would change. That I wasn't in love with him now but that I could be in the future. And I would rather be hurt now than fall in love with him and have my heart broken later.

So I'm single again but I'm not entirely happy with it though it is by choice. I've come a long way in my relationships and I'm rather proud of myself. A few years ago I probably would have stayed just because I really liked him and had my heart broken. Or I would have just cut him off altogether and slowly faded out of his life. We could have avoided this talk for a long time. But I decided that the only way for me to make progress in my relationships emotionally and otherwise was to face this head on. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

NWARD is having a bootcamp this weekend and I'm attending. It'll be nice to have the distraction. And to improve my skating and scrimmage. And see my friends I haven't seen in awhile.

What goes up must come down

2009-11-30T13:45:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I was at E's house and someone called and referred to him as my boyfriend and I was all "he's not my boyfriend.....really". After I got off the phone, I asked him if he minded if I referred to him as my boyfriend. He said no. Since we were having that conversation, I figured I'd ask why he got divorced because I never had and didn't want to dig too much too soon. I won't spill all his personal business but the long and the short of it is that he never wants to have kids or get married again. This in NO WAY works for me. These are serious deal breakers. I think he's more afraid of getting hurt again then anything else but I'm not going to stay in a relationship with someone and hope that they change their mind about something so important.

After I left his house, I called my mom and cried my eyes out on my way home. I'm not in love with him....but I think I could be at a later point in time. I REALLY like him. And I really hate all of this. I've been working on making myself more vulnerable but dammit I hate being hurt. It kinda makes me want to swear off dating or relationships or anything. Which I know isn't reasonable. But I'm not exactly feeling rational at the moment.

I am not going to settle and I deserve to have what I want. Which is someone who could see being with me long term and for me that includes marriage and children. When we first started dating, he said he wasn't looking for something casual. I guess he meant serious but not that serious? I really don't even know.

Anyway I'm still not entirely sure how this will all end up. With the holiday and all we haven't had a chance to sit down face to face but that is coming soon.............

Vacation!!!!!!!!

2009-11-20T10:41:00.000-06:00

Today is my last day at work for a whole week. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not burned out exactly, just ready for some me time. Sleeping in, dressing sloppily, and spending time with my family. Then I just have to make it for another 3 1/2 weeks before I get a week & 1/2 off which will include 5 day in NY with M. Can't wait! I haven't left Arkansas in much too long.

Last night I made potato soup for E and I to have for dinner tonight. I also made some lemon coconut cookies by request. I still have dough for another few dozen. Not sure when I'm going to do that.

Next week I'll be doing a TON of baking. Still haven't decided on my dessert menu yet. So far it looks like carrot cake, fruit cake cookies, and apple pie. I'll probably be do pound cake and banana bread but I'm not sure if I'll do anything else. Depends on how much energy I have :) Maybe another pie?

Work what?

2009-11-11T10:02:00.003-06:00

Some days, like today and most of this week actaully, I just don't feel like working. I'm the kinda person who needs to be kept busy so I have very rarely have NOTHING to do but I would like it if one of those things was not work.

I really like crafty things. I made my Halloween costume, I made a headpiece for S's wedding, I can sew decently, I've recently learned to crochet, I make jewelry, and when I was younger I used to paint. Quite alot in fact. Two things my parents never had a problem buying me when I was a kid were books and art supplies. I haven't painted in a few years for no particular reason thought i still have some paint and my favorite paint brushes. Here recently I bought some paint (Liquitex acrylic) and last night I went and bought some canvas. So I would really rather be at home painting today. I have ideas in my head that need to come out. I'll also probably need some more canvas or some cardboard or something soon.

I'm looking forward to this evening. E is joining us for wings at Lucky Luke's. Mmmmmm....a man that I like, friends, and good food. A girl couldn't ask for more.

Random pieces of my life

2009-11-10T08:35:00.004-06:00

This past weekend I met most of E's family and some of his good friends. It was interesting. And nice. They seemed to like me and I liked them. I was a little nervous but for no reason. Things are rolling right along though maybe not as slow as I was trying for but I think that's okay. Can I just say again how much I really like this guy? He's adorable, funny, smart, sweet......and he's super into me.

Our dogs also met for the first time and they get along. I was a little worried....Gizmo gets along with most dogs but that fight she had when I went camping has made me a little more cautious. E has a dog door and a fenced back yard which Gizmo loved! I really wish I had a fenced yard to offer her. I know she must get bored sometimes at home especially now that Iris is gone.

Sunday we went up to Bentonville and had lunch at Aroma, this Indiana & Pakistani restaurant. It was SO good. I haven't had good spicy Indian food in awhile.
Afterwards we stopped by Sephora and I got some new hair products. There's this stuff called Carol's Daughter that's made from natural ingredients and is geared specifically towards black hair. And they have it in NWA! I really like it so far. My hair looks great and smells good. I think I'm going to buy some more of their products in the future. They also make bath and body stuff and Sephora carries most of their full line.

I bought my ticket to visit M in New York for New Year's. I'm so excited! Mostly to see my best friend of course but also just to take a trip. I'll be there for 5 days, Tuesday through Saturday. Enough time to eat some yummy food, go to some museums, and maybe do a tiny bit of shopping. Oh and prolly fall in love with the city all over again.

My brother's family will be here in less than two weeks! And I've taken the week off to spend with them. I never minded my family living all over the place but as I get older, I kinda wish we all lived closer, at least within a few hours drive. We'll see.

Work's been a little crazy but nothing too bad. It's just that time of year. If I can make it through the next week and a half I'll have an entire week of vacation to spoil myself.

So close yet so far away.......

Unadorned blackness 5

2009-11-04T11:40:00.001-06:00

What Brings You To The Big O?

2009-11-04T10:49:00.001-06:00

What Brings You To The Big O?

This article is really great! I think some guys do know how things work but alot of them don't. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. They act like it's personal if they can't get you off. Usually it's not. If I'm not alone there's no telling what will work. Some things work with some people and not with others. There's no sure fire way for me. That doesn't bother me though. I think for men, the be all end all is the orgasm and that's just not true for most women. Some of the best sex I've ever had did not involve me having an orgasm. Anyway just thought I'd overshare a bit this morning.

Take it slow

2009-11-02T13:25:00.006-06:00

Things are going well with E, my new guy that I've been dating for ................about a week and a half. It seems much longer than that..........which he says is what happens when two people really click. I really like this one. I know I've said that before but I REALLY do. People have commented that I seem different about this one, that I seem happier and have a bit more of a sparkle in my eye. He's pretty fantastic. He thinks I'm hot and awesome and tells me so on a regular basis. He likes to cook and since I like to eat that works out well :)
I'm really enjoying myself. I'm trying to be well behaved and not over analyze or rush things or get ahead of myself. It's hard cause I like to just dive into things.

My brother, his, and my niece will be here in 3 weeks!!! I'm so excited. You know, I really love my family. Yeah they drive me crazy sometimes but who doesn't? Thanksgiving will be pretty awesome this year. Lots of family and lots of food.

D moved out :( which is sad. It had nothing to do with our friendship which is good. Gizmo is a little lonesome but we're going to schedule some playdates.

So reorganizing the house.....my goal is NOT to accumulate more stuff. We'll see how that works out.

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30* | The Frisky

2009-10-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30* | The Frisky

I really love this list. I'm 4 years away from 30 but I have accomplished many of these things....which makes me feel nice.

Up and away again

2009-10-26T11:21:00.003-05:00

So last night I attended my first league practice in over a month. I didn't die and I managed to keep up during scrimmaging. When I'm away from derby I somehow convince myself that....I don't know...it's not as amazing or something? And then when I'm back, it's like a breath of fresh air. Anyway it's nice to be back in the fold....there's been a few changes but nothing I can't handle.

I went on a date last week with a guy I met online (I know). And it went really well. Surprisingly so in fact. We've hung out twice more since then. It's really nice to actually date someone. He asked me out for dinner, we had a drink afterward, he told me he had a great time and that he thought I was pretty. He texted me the next day saying he had a great time and that we should hang out again soon. And we have. M has recently kinda sorta started dating someone also and she commented how weird it was that we were 25 and 26 and are just now really experiencing real dating. And how nice it is. We're both just taking things slow and trying not to over analyze (like we both like to do).

And on a another note......I'll have to tell M that I met someone. Not that I think he'll really have much to say about it. I just don't want to do it.

Unadorned blackness 4

2009-10-22T14:21:00.002-05:00

Miles and miles

2009-10-21T08:44:00.002-05:00

So in effort to get my act back together (and cause I promised D I would) I went outdoor skating last night. Currently we're just having practices on Sunday but some girls meet on Tuesdays to do some outdoor skating to get some extra skating in.

Oh.My. God. We (well most of us) skated on the bike trail from Wilson Park all the way to Target and back. I don't know exactly how far it was but I know it was AT LEAST 6 miles. I kinda felt like I might die on the way back. But I did do it. And there were other people who didn't.....even though they've been (I assume) attending practice more regularly. Anyway so this gives me more confidence about attending practice since I haven't been in over a month. I super need to get it together.

It felt amazing skating last night. It's strange to me that it took me this long in life to find out that I really enjoy team sports and physical activity. It was also super nice to see my derby girls that I haven't seen in awhile.

On a side note: how are you going to try and be all nice and make conversation with me when the last time I saw you, you made a shitty comment that was uncalled for and unprovoked? I'll do what I have to do for derby and if it involves working with you than I will. But we have not ever been and at this point will never be friends. We are league members and occasional teammates.

derb

2009-10-19T16:52:00.001-05:00

Damn. So I've been slacking a lot the past few weeks or rather......................

since Labor Day. I keep meaning to go to practice and then something happens. J actaully emailed me last week asking what was up. And I said I was going to be at practice on Sunday but didn't make it. I got closer than I have previously. Anyway, so I got a text from D saying I needed to get my act together because she's always fighting for me and other people are not feeling me. Team selection is coming up soon.
I just haven't been feeling excited about derby lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I know I need to get it together and if I don't, I could end up on the Betties. If that happens, I'll probably quit. And I don't know what I would do after that. There hasn't been much to my life other than derby in forever. And I love it. But I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I've plateaued in my skating which really scares me because I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower.
This is starting to feel like a lot of other things in my life where I have to put up or shut up and I usually shut up...because I can't motivate myself enough to make things happen. Hopefully that won't happen with derby.

2009-10-15T08:57:00.000-05:00

Unadorned blackness 3

2009-10-14T10:25:00.004-05:00

Unadorned blackness 2

2009-10-13T09:53:00.001-05:00

A different kind of natural

2009-10-13T09:04:00.002-05:00

So.......I did it. Or rather, am in the process of doing it. Combing out my dreads. I'm 90% done and should hopefully finish the rest tonight after work. It's been a long process (I started Saturday before last) but I have managed to keep a decent amount of length though keeping in mind that my dreads pulled my hair straight essentially and so now it's kinked back up. My hair is uneven but it always is so that doesn't bother me too much. At some point I'm going to flat iron my hair to get a look at the real length and probably do a quick trim. I also need to dye it because most of the colors I've dyed my hair over the years are somewhat visible. I've decided to wait a few weeks though to give my hair a chance to rest and to condition it after all the trauma I've put it through.

I'm actaully really excited about doing something different with my hair. I know it'll be a lot more work that I'm used to, but right now I'm okay with that. I know more about natural hair than I used to and I've been reading up. It seems likely that my go to style will be two strand twists with the occasional braids or maybe a small 'fro. It is long enough to pull back but I don't want to do that every day. We'll see. Pictures coming soon!

Dinner

2009-10-08T16:46:00.002-05:00

I have a hatred for almost all things salad. The taste of lettuce in my mouth makes me want to gag. Similar response for the taste of mayo.
I realized here recently though that I don't have to make things the traditional way. For instance a few weeks ago I made chicken sald but with greek yogurt instead of mayo or salad dressing. I also put in green apples, red peppers, and cucumber along with a splash of lemon juice and some garlic and black pepper.
Tonight for dinner I think I'm going to make my version of pasta salad. Slightly al dente whole wheat rotini, chopped up chicken that was baked in olive oil, garlic, and Italian seasoning, chopped fresh spinach, feta cheese, chopped black olives, all tossed with some olive oil, garlic, and more Italian seasoning (which I bought at the farmer's market). Served at room temperature, this is one of my favorite dishes.

Unadorned blackness 1

2009-10-07T08:52:00.004-05:00

http://www.avclub.com/articles/chris-rock,33754/

The AVClub has an interview with Chris Rock about his new comic documentary Good Hair. At one point, the interviewer asks Chris Rock "Do you think it's the unadorned blackness that people have a problem with?" I think is an awesome question and I think the answer is yes. People (mostly white but not all) assume that black people are a certain way and so is their hair. And they get scared and confused when people don't fit nicely in their little box.

Anyway I've been going through some hair things lately so I really enjoyed this interview. I'll be posting some pictures soon. Stay tuned.

2009-10-06T11:09:00.004-05:00

I over analyze things. I rehash things over and over again in my head and out loud. I know my friends love me when they listen to me dissect the same issue 10 times in 10 different ways in the space of about 10 minutes. It helps me work thourgh things to say them out loud (I may also be trying to convince myself of things).

I've been spending alot of time with M lately and while it's nice, I think it's ultimately destined for trouble. I really enjoy his company which is part of the reason we've been friends for so long but I think I have trouble distinguishing the line between the benefits and friends part of friends with benefits.
So while on the one hand I like our "relationship" how it is in that we're not in one and we're just friends with nookie on the side and if he indeed wanted something more it would totally freak me out, on the other hand of course it would be nice if he did magically have feelings for me. But see even if he did, which he doesn't, it would never work out. Mostly because I want marriage and babies, and the white picket fence and all of that and he wants none of it. It's hard though when he hugs on me and kisses me in front of people (apparently to hint that he was in the mood- I'm real slow on the up take, he should have just said something) to remember that "oh yeah, we're just friends". And I know I just need to talk to him and lay down some rules, but I also really enjoy the physical affection.
I have a tendency to fall for boys/guys/men who are unavailable to me in some way- physically, emotionally, married. Oh and I did I mention that M and I have been involved before and I broke it off cause I had feelings for him and he didn't for me? Yeah I know, not the brightest move on my part to get involved again.

Anyway I will once again be surrounded by babies in late spring, early summer of next year. It makes me sad and excited and jealous all at once. My brother is being deployed to Iraq again in December. I try not to think about that too much. I miss NY and M. I think I'm going to go up and visit her for New Year's instead of in November.

It's definitely fall in Fayetteville now. It's been chilly and rainy the last few days and the leaves are starting to turn. This weather makes me I bought some autumn flowers at the Farmer's Market Saturday after meeting S for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to talk with her. Going camping in a few weeks with D and the dogs and some friends. Really looking forward to that.

The end of the year is swiftly approaching.

Boys/Guys/Men

2009-09-23T14:16:00.005-05:00

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-mind-of-man-where-all-the-good-guys-are/

Oh this is true and not true. My best friend got married this past weekend and I've been thinking about long term relationships and marriage and babies more than ever.

I sometimes wonder if there's something inherently wrong about me that scares men off. I know I'm flawed (let's not talk about how deeply) but I wonder why I can't find someone who accepts my foibles the same way my friends do. I meet people, but not often and it just doesn't go anywhere. Or I jump in to quickly before realizing that no I don't really like them like that. Or I don't give them enough chances or a chance. Or I start something in the wrong way and then it runs rapidly downhill. My friends, both male and female, say there's nothing crazy bad about me but that I just haven't met the right person yet. Which is most likely true but I can't help but wonder.

Take my current situation- involved with a good friend who I've been involved with before. I broke it off because I had feelings for him and he didn't for me (the story of my life) and I felt like we were in a relationship but he didn't. So getting involved again is not the smartest thing I've done but I feel like I'm going to get into trouble regardless so it might as well be with someone I know and trust. We'll see how long this lasts before I once again have feelings and I attempt to communicate them before getting shot down *sigh*.

I'm only 26 and I know I have plenty of time yadda yadda yadda but in the meantime while I have a full life (friends, dog, rollerderby, kickball, books, work), I'm lonely sometimes and just want someone to share my life with. Am I really so much to put up with? I want someone who thinks I'm awesome and accepts that I'm bossy and demanding but also appreciates my baked goods and my loyalty.

One of my biggest fears is that I will end up at 40 childless and alone. I plan on children regardless and won't be waiting until 40 to do it but it could happen.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life other than that I want it to be meaningful in some way. I'm thinking about going back to school for something but I'm not sure if I'm really passionate enough about it to make it work. Again I know I have plenty of time but I am slowly getting older. Muah.

A little of this and that

2009-09-16T08:53:00.004-05:00

I've been spending alot of time with an old friend here lately. M's known me for over ten years and it's nice not to have to explain the background on what I'm thinking because he knows me so well. It's amazing what a little physical affection can do for a person. I've always been very physically affectionate with my friends and other people close to me though it's decreased over the years. Some people are uncomfortable with that and I try to respect it. Anyway it's been interesting and fun.

C is getting married on Saturday. It should be fun and interesting. I'm happy for her and S seems like a great guy. I'm a bridesmaid (first time ever) and that should be fun. The wedding is in Eureka Springs and I'm staying with a friend I don't get to hang out with much.

A good friend of mine who also had dreadlocks combed hers out a few months ago. She managed to keep alot of her length and it looks really good.............and I've been thinking about trying to so the same. But only if I would be able to keep most of the length. My hair typically grows very slowly and currently it's the longest that it's ever been (with my own hair) which is a little past my shoulders. From what I've read, dreaded hair is usually only 2/3 of the length of your actual hair undreaded so theoretically if I had the time and patience I could keep a lot of my length and just wear it natural. I know a lot more about maintaining natural hair then I did when I was 19 and decided to dread it. We'll see......regardless I'm not going to cut it. I think I'm just getting itchy. This is the longest I've ever had a single hairstyle.

New baby in the family

2009-09-08T10:51:00.002-05:00

So I have another niece.................sort of. My stepdad (who's technically not really my stepdad anymore because at this point him and my mom and have been divorced longer than they were married though he is also my little brother's father but anyway), his wife's daughter and her husband had a baby this past weekend. They haven't named her yet, partially because they didn't know if it was going to be a girl or a boy and they wanted a surprise. I SO cannot imagine doing that. I would want to know as soon as possible. Anyway so there will be two almost cousins only 6 months apart. Should be fun when they get older.
On the upside I'm hoping my brother, his wife, and the baby will be able to make it to AR for Thanksgiving. Partially because I want to see the baby but also because my brother's being deployed in December and S and L are moving to Florida. My brother's other sister (not my sister) and her husband might be in town from Alaska which would make it more fun. Also hopefully C and C and their new baby will come up from TX. And maybe my aunt from MD and who knows who all else.
It's really funny to me. I have alot of family on my mom's side that I'm fairly close to and then I have alot of "family" that I'm not related to (my stepdad and his wife and their respective families) but am also close to. It's nice to have a big family though.

I love my dress and it loves me

2009-09-03T08:12:00.002-05:00

So I just bought this dress at Target. Love it! August Silk cardigan from TJ Maxx, Kenneth Cole REACTION flats also from TJ Maxx, black bangle and necklace from Charlotte Russe, earrings from a fleamarket in Savannah

Roxanne Shante Has Her Label Pay For PhD | The Frisky

2009-08-31T08:15:00.001-05:00

Roxanne Shante Has Her Label Pay For PhD | The Frisky

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I'm a grown up now

2009-08-27T10:28:00.004-05:00

So recently I got an email from A saying he was in the 'ville and would like to meet up for a coffee or something. I asked why and he said to catch up. At first I said yes, but then I changed my mind. And here's what I told him:

Here's the thing- I shouldn't have said yes I would meet up with you. I have no desire to catch up. I don't think we can be friends and right now I have no inclination to spend time with you. You forfeited your right to be involved in my life when you broke up with me and then posted shitty comments about me on your facebook page. I know you'll probably think I'm being unreasonable and that if I had ever really cared about you I would want to see you, etc. But this is who and how I am. I take things too seriously and my feelings get hurt by small stupid things. I'm bossy and controlling and I like things done my way or the highway and I try to compromise but quite frankly I'm not very good at that obviously. And when I've moved on from something or someone and I'm done, I'm really done. And I'm done with you and our relationship. You're a great person, just not for me and I hope that you'll meet someone one day who can make you happy.

This is a big step for me in that in the past I would have just avoided him completely and not ever really gotten any closure so to speak. I hope this closes it off for both of us.

Hi I'm a single girl living in a town I love. What can you show me today?

Not Just Bi for the Guys

2009-08-21T12:41:00.002-05:00

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-dating-as-a-bisexual-woman/

This article is great. I don't date women much. Partially cause alot of the lesbians in this town are kinda crazy and partially since they wouldn't touch with me a 10 foot pole since I also like men. I also don't meet alot of women that I'm attracted to that are also attracted to me. I do hate the assumption that if you're "bi" then somehow how you're not trustworthy in a relationship. I usually don't comment on my sexuality unless I'm asked directly (which is rare). I don't discriminate who I'm attracted to on the basis of sex. It's the mind that I'm after and the body is just an added bonus.

Hot Springs or Bust

2009-08-10T11:19:00.002-05:00

This past weekend D invited some of us down to her parents lake house in Hot Springs, complete with pontoon boat and pool. It was so much fun. Quiet and relaxing. I camped in a little tent. WB and her man, S and her husband and kids, and W and baby W all came down. I got a great tan and some quality time with some of my favorite people. It was just what I needed. D's parents are great folks.

This weekend is the last home game of the season for NWARG and the last game (unless something aamzing comes up). Backwoods Betties are playing Green Country Rollergirls Thunder Dollz which should be interesting. M will be in town!!! I'm so excited! I miss that girl likes nobody's business. I know everyone else is excited to see her as well.

I've finally cut the cord completely with A. We were going to try to be friends but that's just not working for me. He's immature adn thoughtless and I can't believe I put up with things as long as I did. I'm glad he broke up with me so I didn't have to do it. And I think that he really just couldn't handle me. I need someone who can and he is not it.

Thursday night when D was taking me home after my night out drinking I ran into a friend of mine I haven't seen in aboput 4 years. We've known each other since junior high and have been involved a bit over the years but we've always been friends. We hung out last night and it was a lot of fun. There's soemthing about people who have known you for forever that's really nice. It cuts down on alot of explaining. We've had some good times me and him. Hopefully we'll stay back in regular touch.

So I'm over the hump of my twenties and now I'm closer to 30 than not. I'm really okay with that. I've never had any problem getting older and I feel like I only improve with age. If you've known me for long enough you know this is oh so true. I'm definitely more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been and more in tune with myself. I actaully like myself most of the time. I hope you do too.

To Dominate or Be Dominated?

2009-07-29T13:48:00.003-05:00

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-why-independent-women-like-to-be-dominated/?obref=obinsite

Oh this article speaks the truth. At least for me. I'm in control in most areas of my life. Sometimes it would be nice to NOT be in control or even have to have any control or to think about it at all. Of course I would have to have a crazy level of trust with someone. I think because I'm so "capable" I attract men who need to be taken care of. I can take or you but that doesn't mean I want to. I can take of myself so you should be able to as well. It would be nice to have someone who could take care of me every once in awhile though.

So since A and I broke up I've decided to jump back into the dating scene (not that I was super out there before you whatev). I've gone on two dates. Both went well but I'm more interested in one guy then the other. One I met online and the other is a friend of a friend. I definitely need to take it slow after my recent relationship adventure. It's a bad habit of mine to dive headfirst into things and I could see this guy getting skittish. He's sweet and like to read! and cook. I know, sounds good already right? So we'll see. I need to put post it notes everywhere to remind myself to be slow and undemanding. Yes, me, undemanding.

It's really interesting dating white guys again after dating a black guy, not that I keep track or anything, but just as far as expectations go. In some ways it's better with white guys because they have less expectations, or maybe they're just different. I'm not entirely sure. Their preconceived notions are different. Maybe since I've grown up in a majority white world I know how to deal with those more easily than not.

M is coming to visit next month! I'm so excited! I thought I was going to have to wait until November. She'll be here for the weekend of the Betties game (which is NWARG'S last home game). *Sigh* I miss her all the time. I've had other best friends but she really is the best. As long as she's in the city I'll probably be visiting at least a few times a year.

5 Things I've Learned Recently

2009-07-23T10:40:00.005-05:00

1. Whether or not I share all my shit, I still scare them off so I might as well get everything out in the open in the beginning.

2. Email, IM, and text conversations are awesome but they in no way substitute for real life and chemistry in such forms is NOT REAL.

3. I am superhot and awesome and it's not my fault if you don't realize it.

4. I NEVER claimed I was sweetness and light and I'm sorry if you were laboring under that misapprehension.

5. Really?

Bounce Back Up Again

2009-07-22T14:23:00.003-05:00

A and I broke up yesterday. Or rather, he broke up with me. I'm very okay with this actaully. My mother said I actaully sounded kind of relieved. He's still kinda angry about the whole thing was was mostly precipitated by me being a raging bitch. I freely admit this. In my defense, I played in a tournament for the first time this weekend, and I had started my period that morning so I was tired and felt ill. Ill enough that I stayed home from work which I had not planned to do. Anyway we may end up friends. Or not. I'm not entirely sure at this point. It was nice to be part of a couple but it's also a little nice to be single again. Sometimes I wonder where I will end up. I know I'm alot of work and I know I'm not easy. But you aren't either. And if you think you, you're lying to yourself.

My little brother may be deployed again. First they were going to let him out early, then they said if he came up with a life plan and was admitted to a college he could still get out early, and now it looks like they're just going to take him. What sucks the most about this is that L will be just 9 months old when J leaves, but will be 27 months when he returns. That's along time for anyone but especially at that age. L is getting bigger and more beautiful every day. It's so crazy.

Movies and mayhem (but only in my dreams)

2009-07-14T09:02:00.003-05:00

It may seem strange, at least it does to me, but I regularly dream about the city. Sometimes M is there but oft times not. I had a dream the other night that involved her talking on the phone in her room while trying on a yellow dress. Not really sure what that was all about. This past weekend I went to the drive-in with J and some other people I kinda knew but not really. I almost didn't go, and then decided that it would be a good idea to spend some time with non-derby friends. The movies showing were Angels & Demons and Pelham 123, both of which I wanted to see anyway. Both were good, Pelham more than A & D. Pelham made me miss the city which is weird since I've been there all of twice, the first time 10 years ago and then about six weeks ago. I think it's more what it represents to me, namely my best friend, good food, and a damn good time.

Summer is more than halfway over and sometimes I wish it could last forever though I do long for the days of sweaters and red leaves on the ground. My life is moving forward swiftly and I still don't knwo quite where I'm going. I'll be 26 in less than a month and I still have yet to accomplish many things I thought I would have already done by now. By the same token, there are many thngs that I've done that I never thought I would do. I need to stop measuring myself against other people but it's hard.

Single Black Mothers

2009-07-01T12:10:00.003-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/07/01/bia.single.black.women.adopt/index.html

I came across this article today from CNN's "Black in America" series. I thought it was very interesting that these women chose to adopt a child, versus having one through a sperm donor or some other avenue. I do commend these women for making positive decisions with their lives. As one woman's brother said "You have so much love to give". Why not give it to a child who needs it?

I have always wanted children even when I didn't know if I would ever want to get married. The thought of not being able to bear my own children breaks my heart, but I have always said that I would adopt if I couldn't have children naturally, which is still my plan.

Black children are less likely to be adopted overall and and apparently "dark" children are even less likely to be adopted, even by black parents. I think it's terrible that the black community is still feeding into and perpetuating sterotypes. I could theoretically understand wanting a child that looks as if they could be a natural part of your family, but still. I wonder, would I get strange looks if I adopted a "dark" child since I'm "light"? I wonder what sort of assumptions would be made about my child's father or my background?

This is another reason why states that don't allow gays and lesbians to adopt (like Arkansas) frusterate me. There is a lack of stable, committed homes for children. If people (after rigourous mental, psychological testing, etc.) still want these children, let them have them! This is part of the reason why people adopt children from foriegn countries, because they get the run around in the U.S.

Shades of Blackness, Vol. 1

2009-06-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am black, not African American, not Afro American, though possibly colored. I grew up in a sea of white. I was frequently the only black child in my class and more than once the only in my grade. At one point in time the only other black child in the whole school was my younger brother. And most people thought he was white. Every member of my immediate family is a different color, my stepdad, my mother, both my brothers. If we lived in Brazil we would all be considered different races. But we live in America where you are either white or not white. My stepdad is white and my mother is black. My little brother is my stepdad’s child and looks like a white kid with a good tan 90% of the time. He has dark brown hair and blue/gray eyes. I am yellow that gets kinda bronze in the summer. I have dark brown black hair and green eyes. My older brother is darker than me but not dark and has black hair and brown eyes. His father is also white. My mother is darkest of us all (though I don’t consider her dark but others do) with black hair and brown eyes. Some people may think that we wouldn’t look alike with different eye and hair color but the funny thing is, we all look just alike. When my siblings and I are together with our mother, there is no question whose children we are and that we’re all related. Many people are surprised that we all have different fathers. If my younger brother and I were the same age, people could almost think that we were twins. The resemblance has gotten more pronounced as we’ve all gotten older and grown into ourselves.

I was never so aware of color or my color until I was practically grown. Initially I had planned on attending college in New Orleans. Several people, including my mother, aunt, and boyfriend at the time, remarked how I should be just fine because I was the right color. I ended up attending the University of Arkansas in my hometown of Fayetteville. Growing up, my mother had taught me that I was black. All of us were. In my mind, there were no differences, no shades of color that were better or worse. In the white world that I grew up in, black was black was black. It wasn’t until I started taking African American studies classes at the UA and acquired some black friends that I have became aware of how apparently light I am. People assume that I must be half white. Not at all, only a quarter actually. Both of my parents are darker than me, I just turned out light.

I’ve had white people ask me what is the politically correct way to refer to black people. My parents are not from Africa so I do not consider myself African American. On my mother’s side I have great-great grandparents that are Native American (Creek) and Jamaican as well your usual American mongrel of African Slave and White American. On my father’s side my grandmother is English-white and my grandfather is Caribbean-black. Since my heritage is so diverse, I feel that the only thing that can fully describe is black, not African American. To me, African American denies the many parts of my heritage that are essential to who I am.

Betty Crocker

2009-06-05T14:25:00.002-05:00

For the last several months, since about Thanksgiving really, I've been on this baking kick. I bake at least once a month. Cookies, pound cake, cupcakes, banana bread, muffins, whatever. I'm entirely sure why. I don't even eat most of what I bake. I either take it to work or leave it around for my roommate to eat. Occasionally I bake for an occasion but not typically. Most recently I made a carrot bundt cake, which turned out super-well. I also baked some lemon coconut sugar cookies. Not enough lemon for my taste but everyone else who's tasted them has liked them.

Sometimes I wonder where I got my baking bug from. My mother doesn't really like to bake. The only thing I really remember her making as a kid was apple crumble. My grandmother apparently baked but she died before I was born. I have a great aunt who bakes, and one of my mother's sister's bakes. I have a new niece and I wonder if maybe my own daughters won't like to bake, but L will.

I have some bananas that are getting brown and I think I'm going to make some banana bread happen. I'm sure I'll find someone to eat it.

Dream a little dream

2009-06-03T10:39:00.003-05:00

So for the past several weeks I've been having crazy vivid dreams that I usually remember. I'm not sure why, I think it might be a combination of my anti-depressants and the melatonin I've been taking to help me sleep. Sometimes they're totally fantastical but usually they're variations on reality. It could have happened in real life, it just didn't. Sometimes I don't even realize it until something happens in real life to contradict my dream.

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was in New York visiting M. It felt like an extension of my last visit, not necessarily an entirely new one. We weren't doing anything in particular, just on our way to get some food. I was happy and enjoying our walk to where ever we were going.

I probably won't be able to get back to New York until this fall mostly because of my derby schedule, work, and finances. I am of course super happy for M and it gives me a reason to visit the city, but goddamn I miss that girl. She's definitely the best friend I've ever had. Hot, reliable, super nerdy smart, loves the derb, can cook really well, likes to read, and is easy to talk to. Oh what is a girl to do? Not that I don't love all the rest of my friends of course, but M has a special place in my heart.

On another note, I still have a boyfriend and it's awesome. Less strange at this point. Dating a boy who lives 45 minutes away isn't perfect but helps us appreciate the other more. I could wake up next to him every day and be really okay with that.

My brother is coming up to visit with my niece! I'm so excited! She's looks too cute from pictures and I've been assured she's even more adorable in person.

The Arkansas Killbillies are playing the Kansas City Roller Warriors this Saturday. I can't wait! For those of you who may not know, Kansas City was the first game I ever saw, way back in May of 2006. They've been awesome to us along the way and it's great to finally play them. This will be our last home game of the season before we start doing some serious summer traveling. I'm looking forward to it.