Happy Anniversary !

Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.

Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.

Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else.

Random derby facts about me:
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker
2. I was the first captain of our all star team
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller Warriors

Dating Adventures Vol. 2

So last week I went out with two different guys. The first guy I'm not really attracted to.....though that could change (let's call him A). The second guy I am more attracted to.....but he doesn't seem to have much potential otherwise (B). Both are kinda nerdy, which I totally dig. Something that I just realized and find kind of amusing is that A has been texting me often enough though not as much as B was the first few days (though he has since fallen off). I was a bit put out when B stopped responding as quickly but totally didn't even give it a second thought in regards to A. I guess it's all about perception. On the other hand, I was listening to NPR on my way home from work yesterday and there was a story that made me think of A.

I have plans with A, maybe B, plus someone I'll call C this weekend. I'm not sure if any of these will amount to anything but I think it's good to dip my toes in every once in awhile.

Dating Adventures Vol. 1

I was at the liquor store a few weeks ago and apparently a guy I went on a date with in November works there. He said he wold call me and never did. I was okay with that because there wasn't really a connection.  He makes a point to come over and apologize for not calling me. Really dude? It's been like 3 months, totally not even on my radar.

I recently joined a new online dating site. I've been getting messages left and right though not many are promising. This one guy decided to IM me and call me rude and then proceeded to block me because I didn't respond quickly enough to his message. It wasn't even 24 hours later.

It's weird to me when you know people in real life and then see their online dating profile. What's even weirder is to see someone's profile that you DON'T know and then run in to them in public. They don't know who you are but you know that they enjoy the farmer's market and long walks. This has happened to me twice in the last month and while it's amusing it also feels a little creepy.

Do I Scare You?

Recently I was reading an article on one of my favorite sites and there was an article called 7 Pieces of Advice I Made Up For Myself and one of those pieces of advice really spoke to me: 3. Love means never feeling like you might scare someone away. 
I almost always feel like I might scare someone away. I can tell you, it is not a nice feeling, like you have to conceal parts of yourself or be less than who you really are in order to reel some unsuspecting person in just for some small chance at happiness. Most of the time I do scale it back a bit and try to present the nicest version of myself. And then once you get comfortable with that person and let down your guard, you're not who they thought you were. I don't do that anymore.
I have had people tell me that I can be intimating, or scary, or just too much to handle. I tell myself that I am better off without these people who can't "handle" me. While I know that I am better off, it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. I know what I want and if you ask me I will tell you. If you can't handle the answer you might want to rethink your questions or who you're asking them to.
I am comfortable with who I am and I not going to fit myself into small dark boxes just to make you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Throw Down My Heart

So I've been dating J for a month or so. Things were going surprisingly well. I was kind of apprehensive because I'm not used to dating men who treat me well (and aren't crazy or have drama or SOMETHING).

I had been feeling like things were kind of off but it was nothing in particular that I could put my finger on. I wasn't sure it was my gut instincts telling me something was wrong (and my instincts have never steered me wrong once I started listening to them) OR just my own insecurities related to my relationship karma. I've been working on trying to tell the difference. Usually my reaction to issues in a relationship is to cut and run and I'm trying to stop doing that so I don't miss out on someone or something just because I'm scared.

Then, yesterday (which would be Valentine's Day) I felt like things were kind of weird so I asked him what was going on. And he told me that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex. Let me add a note here that we didn't have plans to spend V-day together because of our conflicting work schedules HOWEVER a lady does not like to hear that kind of news on any day much less a holiday that is centered around romantic love.

So here's what I told him. I said that I was pretty awesome and I thought maybe we could be awesome together. There was a reason he broke up with his ex and that if he decided to go back to her there would be no coming back to me. I said that I appreciated his honesty and hoped he would continue to be honest with me whatever happened. I said he could have all the time he needs but there is no guarantee that I would still be around  when he made his decision.

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. In the last few years I have made such a difference in the way I handle all my relationships but in particular my romantic ones. I cried for a few minutes after we got off the phone. It was more principle than anything about him in particular. But. I left myself be in a funk all yesterday and then I let it go. There was a reason I met him and maybe I don't know why yet but I will later. I don't regret any of the relationships I've been in over the past few years (which have been 90% bad). I've learned so much about myself and I know that when I do finally meet and fall in love with whoever I'm meant to be with, they will be grateful for all my past relationships too.

One more step in the right direction.

Patience

Can I just say that I hate dating? Do I like them, do they like me, what are they looking for in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. Usually I end up being more interested in them then they are in me. Or they don't want a serious relationship. Or a monogamous relationship. Or a relationship at all (just sex). Occasionally it's obvious to both of us that neither of us is interested in the other. Occasionally they're more interested in me than I am in them. Very rarely we're equally interested. And sometimes I just can't tell.

In the last few years I've really grown as a person in respect to relationships. I know what I do and don't want. I know what my deal-breakers are. It's hard to meet people in this town. Especially if you're not into the bar scene. I do some online dating and occasionally meet people through friends. Le sigh. Fayetteville is the Bermuda Triangle of the dating world. For reals.

I feel like most people know by the end of the first date if they want to see each other again. By the next date or two you know whether or not you're attracted to that person. And then somewhere, somehow you decide whether or not you want to be in a monogamous relationship with that person.

I personally don't typically date more than one person at a time because I'm just not good at juggling or dividing my time and attention like that.  It doesn't bother me (much) if the person I'm dating is also dating other people if we're not having sex and haven't agreed to be monogamous. But what is a good time line for that? I have no clue! Most guys are just trying to get in my pants but those who aren't are sometimes hard to tell apart from the rest. Do I want to be called or texted everyday? Not necessarily but every other day at least. I don't want to be the one to make plans all the time- they should make some effort there too.

I'm not very patient. In fact, I'm kind of known for my impatience. I want what I want how I want it and I want it NOW. I think I'm a pretty decent catch- I have a good job, I'm pretty attractive, in decent shape, have a good relationship with my family, have hobbies that keep me active and my creative juices flowing, I'm a good cook, and I'm a good friend. What are YOU bringing to the table? Does you plus me equal amazing? If you like me, you need to let me know. And if you're not interested, let me know so I can stop wasting my time. People tell me that I can be intimidating. But what does that mean exactly? That I scare off guys who might otherwise have the balls to approach me? That most guys who are interested in me don't have the balls to approach me? Who knows. I seem to have equally bad luck approaching guys as waiting for them to approach me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm fine with being single BUT I do enjoy having a special someone. Hopefully 2011 will be a better year for my love life.

Out With The Old And In With The New

It's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.

I sometimes feel really lonely but I know that I truly good friends who really love me (and family of course). I've had to reevaluate some things but came through as a stronger person I think. I still struggle every day but I know that I can handle it.

This year I am thankful that my brother is home safe with his family once again and that I have people that love me and appreciate me in my life.