Happy Anniversary !

Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.

Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.

Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else.

Random derby facts about me:
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker
2. I was the first captain of our all star team
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller Warriors

Do I Scare You?

Recently I was reading an article on one of my favorite sites and there was an article called 7 Pieces of Advice I Made Up For Myself and one of those pieces of advice really spoke to me: 3. Love means never feeling like you might scare someone away. 
I almost always feel like I might scare someone away. I can tell you, it is not a nice feeling, like you have to conceal parts of yourself or be less than who you really are in order to reel some unsuspecting person in just for some small chance at happiness. Most of the time I do scale it back a bit and try to present the nicest version of myself. And then once you get comfortable with that person and let down your guard, you're not who they thought you were. I don't do that anymore.
I have had people tell me that I can be intimating, or scary, or just too much to handle. I tell myself that I am better off without these people who can't "handle" me. While I know that I am better off, it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. I know what I want and if you ask me I will tell you. If you can't handle the answer you might want to rethink your questions or who you're asking them to.
I am comfortable with who I am and I not going to fit myself into small dark boxes just to make you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Out With The Old And In With The New

It's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.

I sometimes feel really lonely but I know that I truly good friends who really love me (and family of course). I've had to reevaluate some things but came through as a stronger person I think. I still struggle every day but I know that I can handle it.

This year I am thankful that my brother is home safe with his family once again and that I have people that love me and appreciate me in my life.

Boys, Guys, Men

I have decided I need more male friends. Because of derby I actually have more female friends than male and for most of my life the opposite has been true. I can be kind f boy crazy and I think having some more male energy around me will help with that. Also guys are crazy in a different way than women are and that's a nice change. It's hard to cultivate platonic opposite sex friendships though. Some guys aren't interested in having platonic female friends. Some guys think that you want to hang out with them because you're after them (for sex or a relationship or something). Really, I just want to be friends and do friend stuff. Hang out, play video games, watch movies, eat food, drink beer, and do fun stuff. Yeah I like to do girly stuff too but that's what my female friends are for. I do have a few good guy friends who I totally appreciate but I wouldn't mind more. One of my very favorite people, who also happens to be male, is halfway across the world and this has put a dent in the amount of platonic male attention I get. We'll see how my seeking out new friends goes. So far, not great.

I haven't really dated anyone since C and I broke up and I think that's good for me. I'm not taking a break but I'm not worrying or wondering about anything either. 

In other news- I'm going to FL for six days at Thanksgiving! Yay! I'll be visiting my mother, sister-in-law, and niece. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to being a bit warmer and having some sun on my face. My brother will be home from Iraq FOR GOOD at the beginning of December. And he'll be out of the army by the end of January 2011. This is the best news I've heard all year. And then him and his family will be here in AR for Christmas. And M will be in Memphis for Christmas so I'll get to see her too! So far, it appears I will have everything I need to have a successful holiday season.

Three Day Weekend.....Though It Seemed Like 5 or 6 Days

Unfortunately the Magic City Misfits lost to the St. Louis Gatekeepers but it was a really good game nonetheless. The officiating staff left much to be desired. It would help if the refs could keep up with the skaters. All in all it was a derby-ful weekend with LOTS of time spent at the rink. The Misfits are awesome skaters and people and I can't wait to see them play again.

I have a hard time accepting compliments from people in general, men in particular. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess some people I just don't take seriously? It also doesn't help when these compliments come from men who are otherwise unavailable. I mean, I know I'm beautiful but I guess it just doesn't carry the same weight as if some semi-attractive single guy told me. It probably doesn't help that dating in the 'ville is really not that great. I don't meet many "new" people because I've lived here along time and run with a certain group of people. I also don't do much besides work and derb. Maybe I need a new hobby that gets me out of the house. I think much of this goes hand in hand with me thinking that I'm alot of work as far as being a friend and romantic partner. I'm not sure how this got instilled in me but it sure has held fast in my psyche. People tell me this is not really the case but I don't really believe them.

Fall is finally actaully here. Temperatures in the 70's, the air feels a little chilly but there's some bright sun to warm you up. I think some camping should be in the works sometime soon :). Also: chili.

who what?

So...............C and I broke up. Again. For good this time I think. It was a mutual decision, based mainly on the fact that we weren't giving each other what we needed to be in a happy healthy relationship. We do love each other but it just wasn't working for us. We are committed to our friendship and I do think that we will be able to remain good friends. I think I'm a better friend than I am girlfriend. I do have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship patterns and hopefully in the future I'll be able to put what I've learned into practice in an effective manner. Oh single life, I both love and hate you.

My mom is heading down to FL for a few months to help take care of my niece. I'm SO jealous cause she'll be a 20 minute drive from the beach and because she'll get to spend time with L who is the most adorable child. I'll also really miss my mother. We have our ups and downs but are pretty close regardless. My brother should be back from Iraq by the end of the year. Contrary to what they're saying in the news, all combat troops are NOT out of Iraq. Actual troops in combat yes, but all troops that do combat, no. Grrr.

School started Monday at the UA. I have a love hate relationship with that. Canoeing Labor Day weekend, hopefully a trip to STL in September, and then MS and maybe Fl sometime this fall. Staying busy keeps me out of trouble :)

On the Upswing

This past weekend, I took my girlfriend out on a really fun date. Saturday we drove down to Ft. Smith and went thrift store shopping (led by N) which resulted in C finding a pair of awesome boots as well as some amusing pictures. After that, we went to The Park at West End which has an old school ferris wheel and carousel. We ate sno cones and took fun pictures. It was SO much fun. C really loves carnivals and this was almost like a mini one. There weren't very many people there either which was nice.
Sunday night we went to the drive-in to see Prince of Persia and Alice in Wonderland. C hadn't even been to the drive-in before and it was alot really nice. We snuck in drinks and snacks.
Monday I broke out my grill for the first tie this season and made asian grilled chicken, some citrus salmon, and corn on the cob. All in all, a lovely holiday weekend.\

C and S welcomed their baby girl today! I'm so happy for them. She's beautiful (just like I knew she would be!). I'm surrounded by babies. H is due at the end of June but she's in Alaska so I won't her for awhile. And one of my coworkers is also due at the end of June.

We're off to Lubbock, TX this weekend to play West Texas and then to KC the weekend after. The Backwoods Betties are hosting a regional tournament the weekend after and I'll be playing! I'm super excited. All derby, all the time. What did I do with all the free time I apparently had before I started laying rollerderby?

Everything Old is New Again

Oh how I love springtime and summer, sunny skies and blooming flowers. This is a good time of year to meet me if you don't already know because I am invariably in a good mood. Regular sunlight does that to me.

The other night I dreamed that I was in NYC visiting M. We were on the subway with some other people who I knew in the dream but don't know who they are in real life. It made me miss M a little more than I already do, and the city just a little bit. I'd like to make a trip up there this summer but I don't know if I can swing that. Oh well. I think she'll be coming down to visit sometime this summer. Maybe we can rendezvous in Memphis at some point if not the 'ville. WFTDA nationals are in Chicago this year in October- we'll see each other there if nothing else.

So C and I are dating again. We've remained friends through all of this and I really enjoy spending time with her. We both dated other people which made us appreciate each other more. I also think we have better ideas about what we want from a relationship and each other. I've been resisting this for awhile, my main concern being that I would end up breaking her heart. That could still happen though I really hope it won't. My mom pointed out that C is an adult and she can make her own decisions regardless of how I feel about them. I'm trying to work on my tendency to run at the first sign of trouble. I think it's good I did in this situation because we wouldn't have otherwise learned the things we did.

I haven't gotten any texts or phone calls from R here lately but I know that this post will probably result in me getting more. See, he reads this but doesn't comment. He prefers to send me nasty texts messages  instead.I don't have many deal breakers but I do have a few and one of them is people treating me badly through words or deeds. When someone says things like " you need to up your prozac", that's taking something personal I shared and using it to hurt me- not acceptable. I don't want to be blamed for someone else's bad behavior. This is the last time I'm going to say anything about this or him. I can't believe I wasted this much time and space.

Here, there, and everywhere

Sometimes I think I'm going to start taking it easy and not do so much stuff. But that never works out. There's always something else I want to do or have to do or just think it would be a good idea to do. But then, it's nice to have opportunities to travel and meet new people and see new things. The past three weekend have been derby, derby, and more derby. This weekend I have a Buddhist activity in Memphis (youth festival!) and then I'm going to stop in Little Rock to hangout with a friend. That should be fun and........ interesting. I'm not sure what R and I are going to do but bowling is on the table.

C and I have been working on our friendship and I think it's going well.  It's nice to have good friends :). I started talking to N again. We haven't really talked in years. It's kinda weird but edging towards normal. I may stop in the Fort on my way back Sunday and visit.

Next weekend mom and I will be in FL visiting S and L! I'm SO excited. It's L's first birthday and I'll get to see open water. Oh how I love the beach!

I swear with me it's either feast or famine. Nothing is ever simple. Like this whole taking a break thing. Sort of not really happening. C commented on how she thought I should jump back in and keep trying until I get it right (sort of) not remove myself from the situation. If it at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I'm still going to take it slowish though whatever I end up doing.

In general, I like things to be neat and orderly. Since I took down my dreads and cut my hair, my hair has been anything but. Spiral curls are not neat or orderly. It's been a bit of a struggle for me to give in to my hair and to accept the disarray. I really enjoy it now though and think that currently my hair suits me better than it ever has. I've gotten more compliments on my hair in the past 4 months than in the previous 4 years which lets me know it was the right decision.

Yay for Spring!

Stuck in the Middle

I hate being in the middle of things. And it's not even really in the middle cause one side tells me things and the other doesn't. Which makes me feel weird. I know that not everyone likes to share every detail of their life the way that I do. I get that, I do. It just makes me wonder what they're not telling me about me and that just feeds into my insecurities I have about people and relationships. I can't just cut them off but it is sometimes oh so tempting.

NOLA was mostly fun. Being in a van for 12 hours with 14 people is not at the top of my list for a good time but it actaully was okay. I'm still tired, still recovering. But we won! 151 to 119. And I played pretty well. About as well as last weekend against COMO.

My winter doldrums are slowly lifting. It was warm and gorgeous this weekend and that definitely helped. I have lots of stuff coming up and that really makes me just want to retreat from all of it. On the upside- going to FL in a few weeks to visit S and L with my mom. Should be fun.

I have my work evaluation today. Super not looking forward to it. I've had a different supervisor for every eval I've had at this job. I never learn anything constructive or that I didn't already know. Boo hiss.

Where do we go from here?

So I know I don't have any right to say this really since I broke up with her- but I miss my friend. I don't miss the relationship and I still firmly believe it was the best decision for both of us. We're not really talking right now cause she's dealing with things (mostly me) not that I can blame her. I'm not an easy person. But I do miss discussing my day and just hanging out with someone who's become a good friend over the last year.

Tonight at practice I was feeling kind of, oh I don't know, distant maybe? kind of secluded from the league. I get to feeling this way on occasion, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not entirely sure why. I've had some moments since M left but C kind of helped with that. I just sometimes feel like if I wasn't there, no one would miss me, even though I know that's not true. Maybe it's just because it's hard for me to form close friendships and I don't feel like I really have that with anyone on league right now.

I've realized that I have issues separating physical closeness, intimacy, sex, lust, and infatuation. It kind of makes me not trust myself. I've decided to take a break from being involved with anyone for.....awhile. Time for a little self reflection.

This and that

I haven't felt much like blogging lately, mostly because I've been so busy it's been hard to articulate how I feel about a lot of things. The first two weeks of school are over and so that craziness is behind me. A welcome reprieve before the office starts gearing up for commencement.

Killbillies had our first home game of the season this past Saturday at our new home, the Starlight Skatium. We lost to Memphis (boo) but had an amazing SOLD OUT crowd. Close to 600 people were there, over 200 turned away. Finally NWARD has the adoring crowd we deserve. It was such a great feeling. We have a game against Assassination City in Dallas this weekend but don't think we're going to make it because of the weather. It's supposed to start raining/freezing rain/sleet/wintry mix this afternoon and then get worse as the evening goes on. I'm hoping to leave work early.

C and I are still dating which is nice. I haven't dated anyone that I was friends with first in forever. She already knows all of my faults and still likes me :) Which is good cause I'm not exactly low maintenance. We spend ridiculous amounts of time together. Sorry if you're one of the people I've been neglecting. I'm working on getting some balance in my life.

In other news- my niece is getting bigger and more beautiful every day! Also I will have TWO new nieces in June! My best friend C and her husband S are expecting a girl and so is H, my brother's sister in Alaska. I'm super excited. More babies in the family. Yay! I'm need to get started crocheting baby blankets. Another friend of mine is due in May but is having a boy.

Oh yeah my brother started a blog http://gijoehill.blogspot.com. It's mostly his random rantings. He's trying to collect some followers.

New York, New York

So right now I'm sitting in LaGuardia waiting for my flight back to Fayetteville. I'm glad to be going home, sleeping in my own bed, and seeing my girl but I'm not glad to be leaving one of my best friends
behind. It was a great trip though I think I'll try to stick with visiting not in winter. It has snowed twice during my five day visit. I think I've gotten more sentimental in my old age. I used to hardly ever cry and now it seems like a lot of things will at the drop of a hat. M and I went to the Cathedral of St. John of the Divine and they had an AIDS memorial Christmas tree. There were little notes people had left, those made me want to cry they were so heartbreaking. Weddings always make me cry I've discovered. Thinking about my brother in Iraq away from his family brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if maybe I'm just more compassionate than I used to be or maybe I've just gotten less selfish.

Something about C turns me into this crazy jealous person. I don't know why. It mostly relates to M but it's not rational. We've been friends for 13 years and I know he'd never make a move on my girl. But
the rational part of my brain has not been talking to the crazy part. I talked to M the other day though and we're good. I apologized in advance for any craziness I may display towards him. And then I told C
all about it. I think she thought it was kinda cute. I really like this girl, that's my only defense. We're kind of ridiculous.

A New Adventure

I'm off to New York to visit M tomorrow! I'm so excited!!! Gizmo is off to play in the country and I'm finishing up laundry and packing. I'll post photo updates, don't you worry.

In the last year one of my best friends moved halfway across the country and the other one got married. I've been feeling a little adrift and am kind of just now realizing why. I think I'll be okay though.

I've been spending a lot of time with C here lately. I'm really enjoying myself. Someone asked me where this was going and I don't know and right now I'm not going to think about it too hard. We're officially dating and a few people have referred to her as my girlfriend. And I'm okay with that.

Fa la fucking la

Christmas is right around the corner. It looks like it may just be me and mom this year. I'm okay with that. A nice chill Christmas watching movies, some cocktails, and good food. Then off to New York to see M and enjoy New Years.

Last night several of us went to Tulsa to participate in a charity bout. There were 9 of us from NWARD and girls from several other leagues. We were split up into 4 teams and played a mini tournament. My team won! It was SO much fun. The last game I played was our tournament in Alabama in July. It was a nice warm up for our game in  January against Memphis. It was nice to see my girls again. Can't wait for out 2010 season! It's going to be so ridic.

My love life is complicated. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Not everything is black and white

So I reading this article about lesbians and sexuality and a bunch of other stuff and it got me thinking. A lot of people think of sexuality in absolutes. You're either straight or gay and the people in between (who may or may not identify as bisexual) are "confused" or something. This is super annoying to me. I blogged about this a few months ago but I have a crush on a friend and she has a crush on me and so I started thinking about it again. Most people assume I'm straight and I let them because it's easier and my sexuality is no one's business and I really don't want to have that discussion with most people. M and I had a conversation several months ago about the fluidity of sexuality. I know women who always considered themselves straight until they met a woman they were attracted to.  I know men who were married to women and have kids and are gay. I consider myself bisexual but I kinda really hate that word and the connotations that are associated with it. I don't know who I'll end up spending the rest of my life with. It may be a man, it may be a woman. I just want someone who thinks I'm awesome, amazing and wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

I over analyze things. I rehash things over and over again in my head and out loud. I know my friends love me when they listen to me dissect the same issue 10 times in 10 different ways in the space of about 10 minutes. It helps me work thourgh things to say them out loud (I may also be trying to convince myself of things).

I've been spending alot of time with M lately and while it's nice, I think it's ultimately destined for trouble. I really enjoy his company which is part of the reason we've been friends for so long but I think I have trouble distinguishing the line between the benefits and friends part of friends with benefits.
So while on the one hand I like our "relationship" how it is in that we're not in one and we're just friends with nookie on the side and if he indeed wanted something more it would totally freak me out, on the other hand of course it would be nice if he did magically have feelings for me. But see even if he did, which he doesn't, it would never work out. Mostly because I want marriage and babies, and the white picket fence and all of that and he wants none of it. It's hard though when he hugs on me and kisses me in front of people (apparently to hint that he was in the mood- I'm real slow on the up take, he should have just said something) to remember that "oh yeah, we're just friends". And I know I just need to talk to him and lay down some rules, but I also really enjoy the physical affection.
I have a tendency to fall for boys/guys/men who are unavailable to me in some way- physically, emotionally, married. Oh and I did I mention that M and I have been involved before and I broke it off cause I had feelings for him and he didn't for me? Yeah I know, not the brightest move on my part to get involved again.

Anyway I will once again be surrounded by babies in late spring, early summer of next year. It makes me sad and excited and jealous all at once. My brother is being deployed to Iraq again in December. I try not to think about that too much. I miss NY and M. I think I'm going to go up and visit her for New Year's instead of in November.

It's definitely fall in Fayetteville now. It's been chilly and rainy the last few days and the leaves are starting to turn. This weather makes me I bought some autumn flowers at the Farmer's Market Saturday after meeting S for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to talk with her. Going camping in a few weeks with D and the dogs and some friends. Really looking forward to that.

The end of the year is swiftly approaching.

To Dominate or Be Dominated?

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-why-independent-women-like-to-be-dominated/?obref=obinsite

Oh this article speaks the truth. At least for me. I'm in control in most areas of my life. Sometimes it would be nice to NOT be in control or even have to have any control or to think about it at all. Of course I would have to have a crazy level of trust with someone. I think because I'm so "capable" I attract men who need to be taken care of. I can take or you but that doesn't mean I want to. I can take of myself so you should be able to as well. It would be nice to have someone who could take care of me every once in awhile though.

So since A and I broke up I've decided to jump back into the dating scene (not that I was super out there before you whatev). I've gone on two dates. Both went well but I'm more interested in one guy then the other. One I met online and the other is a friend of a friend. I definitely need to take it slow after my recent relationship adventure. It's a bad habit of mine to dive headfirst into things and I could see this guy getting skittish. He's sweet and like to read! and cook. I know, sounds good already right? So we'll see. I need to put post it notes everywhere to remind myself to be slow and undemanding. Yes, me, undemanding.

It's really interesting dating white guys again after dating a black guy, not that I keep track or anything, but just as far as expectations go. In some ways it's better with white guys because they have less expectations, or maybe they're just different. I'm not entirely sure. Their preconceived notions are different. Maybe since I've grown up in a majority white world I know how to deal with those more easily than not.

M is coming to visit next month! I'm so excited! I thought I was going to have to wait until November. She'll be here for the weekend of the Betties game (which is NWARG'S last home game). *Sigh* I miss her all the time. I've had other best friends but she really is the best. As long as she's in the city I'll probably be visiting at least a few times a year.

Dream a little dream

So for the past several weeks I've been having crazy vivid dreams that I usually remember. I'm not sure why, I think it might be a combination of my anti-depressants and the melatonin I've been taking to help me sleep. Sometimes they're totally fantastical but usually they're variations on reality. It could have happened in real life, it just didn't. Sometimes I don't even realize it until something happens in real life to contradict my dream.

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was in New York visiting M. It felt like an extension of my last visit, not necessarily an entirely new one. We weren't doing anything in particular, just on our way to get some food. I was happy and enjoying our walk to where ever we were going.

I probably won't be able to get back to New York until this fall mostly because of my derby schedule, work, and finances. I am of course super happy for M and it gives me a reason to visit the city, but goddamn I miss that girl. She's definitely the best friend I've ever had. Hot, reliable, super nerdy smart, loves the derb, can cook really well, likes to read, and is easy to talk to. Oh what is a girl to do? Not that I don't love all the rest of my friends of course, but M has a special place in my heart.

On another note, I still have a boyfriend and it's awesome. Less strange at this point. Dating a boy who lives 45 minutes away isn't perfect but helps us appreciate the other more. I could wake up next to him every day and be really okay with that.

My brother is coming up to visit with my niece! I'm so excited! She's looks too cute from pictures and I've been assured she's even more adorable in person.

The Arkansas Killbillies are playing the Kansas City Roller Warriors this Saturday. I can't wait! For those of you who may not know, Kansas City was the first game I ever saw, way back in May of 2006. They've been awesome to us along the way and it's great to finally play them. This will be our last home game of the season before we start doing some serious summer traveling. I'm looking forward to it.