People always seem to think that I am "so busy" and have "so many friends". Neither of these things is true. I am at work Monday through Friday 8am to 5pm and that takes up the bulk of my time. Derby practice three times a week that I attend roughly 75% of the time (except not so much here lately because of my fucking ankle). But really......I spend much of my time alone. I don't have people calling or texting me at all hours of the day and night or very much at all really. I am not that person that everyone wants to be friends with or wants to hang out with.I don't have a lot of friends, I just know a lot of people. My supposed best friends are busy with lots of other things that don't include me. All of my friends are coupled up and while theoretically I'm happy for them it means less time for me. I feel like the awkward third wheel on the odd occasion when I do hang out with them. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and there's just not much about my life or myself that I like right now. Maybe I'm just too much work for most people to be regular friends with or I have too high of expectations of friendship or something. I really just don't know.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A broke up with me because "he didn't see it going very far". I'm actually really okay with this. I had really been thinking about where our relationship was going (if anywhere) and this saved me from having to make a decision or think about it any more. We agreed to remain friends and it'll be interesting to see if that actually happens.
So I think I may take a break from dating/men/etc. I've said this before so we'll see how long it lasts. Right now my goal is until my birthday which is a little over 3 months. Really it'll be more that I'm not actively looking. If someone amazing drops in my lap I'm not going to turn them away. I just think too much all the time and in particular about dating and relationships.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
And so at what point do you delete/inactivate your online dating profile? I'm thinking after you have the exclusive talk though neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment (I don't think). I don't plan on seeing anyone else as long as I'm seeing A. I'm not really very good at juggling people anyway. The only thing that made me think of it was that I got a message on one of the sites I'm on. Le sigh. Too much thinking already for today. I think I'll shove this to the back burner for a few weeks and hopefully it will resolve itself.
After my weekend of dates (which was pretty ridiculous quite frankly) the field has narrowed down, partly through choice and also partly through natural selection I guess. I had a great time with A that Friday night and was really glad I had decided to go out with him again despite a first impression that wasn't so great. Coffee with C at the Farmer's Market was just kind of awkward. Though that may have been just me because he sent me a text the next day saying it was nice to meet me and to add him on facebook. That did not happen. I mostly had fun hanging out with B Saturday night but then he pulled a slow fade on me the following week and I haven't heard from him since.
So the thing with A was that I just wasn't sure about the physical attraction. There wasn't really anything else I had an issue with- he's fun to talk to and spend time with. My mom said as long as I didn't feel repulsed by him then there was still potential. And she was totally right. We went to the movies and at one point he reached for my hand.....and I jumped and kind of pulled away. So then I was totally over thinking everything and of course it didn't occur to me to just reach for his hand. Anyway we've since talked about it and everything is fine. I have a lot of fun with him. He's funny. He teases me but in a fun way, not a "I want to kill you if you don't leave me alone" kind of way. He also can beat me at Words with Friends which is pretty hot in my book. He came to an all star game against RVRG (we won! 210 to 69!) and totally enjoyed the derb which is pretty important.We spent most of this past weekend together and he didn't get on my nerves at all which is good for me because I think sometimes I can be kind of impatient and a little critical.
One of the things I always struggle with when dating someone new that I really like is my overactive brain. I just think too much. I always wonder if he is in to me as I am in to him. There have been times when I thought so and that was not the case. I wonder when something is going to go wrong because I feel like surely something this nice cannot last. I also want to spend a lot of time with that person partially cause I really dig them but also because that person is new and fun and interesting and I want to know all about them.
Right now I'm just going to take a deep breath, enjoy myself, and try not to think too much.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.
Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.
Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else.
Random derby facts about me:
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker
2. I was the first captain of our all star team
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller Warriors