It's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.
I sometimes feel really lonely but I know that I truly good friends who really love me (and family of course). I've had to reevaluate some things but came through as a stronger person I think. I still struggle every day but I know that I can handle it.
This year I am thankful that my brother is home safe with his family once again and that I have people that love me and appreciate me in my life.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
It's been an interesting year for me to say the least. Lots of ups and downs and changes. I moved, got a promotion, dated my best friend, broke up with my best friend, went on the worst date ever, my brother came home from his final tour in Iraq, battled through some ridiculous depression, my mom moved to Florida, gained two nieces, and learned some things about myself.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Here lately I've been trying to be more adventurous in my daily life and maybe do things I would normally never do. In the few weeks I have- gone out to a bar for a drink by myself, went dirt biking for the first time, and went to a party where I only knew two people (the host and the person I rode with). I have never been to a bar by myself. I'm usually a little self conscious but I managed to just relax and enjoy myself. The dirt biking was via a random invite from a friend and I was hesitant but decided to try it. S is a great teacher and while it was scary, it was also a lot of fun. I'm going to try and continue this trend but we'll see.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 11:32 AM
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I have decided I need more male friends. Because of derby I actually have more female friends than male and for most of my life the opposite has been true. I can be kind f boy crazy and I think having some more male energy around me will help with that. Also guys are crazy in a different way than women are and that's a nice change. It's hard to cultivate platonic opposite sex friendships though. Some guys aren't interested in having platonic female friends. Some guys think that you want to hang out with them because you're after them (for sex or a relationship or something). Really, I just want to be friends and do friend stuff. Hang out, play video games, watch movies, eat food, drink beer, and do fun stuff. Yeah I like to do girly stuff too but that's what my female friends are for. I do have a few good guy friends who I totally appreciate but I wouldn't mind more. One of my very favorite people, who also happens to be male, is halfway across the world and this has put a dent in the amount of platonic male attention I get. We'll see how my seeking out new friends goes. So far, not great.
I haven't really dated anyone since C and I broke up and I think that's good for me. I'm not taking a break but I'm not worrying or wondering about anything either.
In other news- I'm going to FL for six days at Thanksgiving! Yay! I'll be visiting my mother, sister-in-law, and niece. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to being a bit warmer and having some sun on my face. My brother will be home from Iraq FOR GOOD at the beginning of December. And he'll be out of the army by the end of January 2011. This is the best news I've heard all year. And then him and his family will be here in AR for Christmas. And M will be in Memphis for Christmas so I'll get to see her too! So far, it appears I will have everything I need to have a successful holiday season.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I was talking to my mom today about some young guy who's after her. If you know me in real life, then you know that my mother tends to date younger, while I tend to date older. This is in no way on purpose on our parts, it's just how it happens.
Anyway, I told her that at least someone was after her, whereas I haven't really been hit on in I don't know when. C says that I tend to be pretty oblivious to when someone is interested in me, cause she's seen it happen. But at the same time, if they don't have the balls to ask me out or anything, do I want to date them anyway? Probably not, but it would at least be nice to be asked. So mom said that it wasn't me (which I know) but that Fayetteville was the Bermuda Triangle of dating. And you know, I have to really agree with her. It's not that way for everybody but for me, definitely. And it blows.
So I wrote the above yesterday when I was feeling kinda not so great. I'm feeling better now. This article is really great and really spoke to me- http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dater-x-rewriting-the-story/
I've been more single than not for the last few years and while I've dated some people that have potential, I've learned so much from all those relationships that didn't work out. Like what I really want in life and love and what I will and will not put up with. It's easy to be complacent but very hard to truly look deep inside yourself and acknowledge what you want and need and deserve. Especially for me because I think in some ways I'm not deserving of something amazing. Yes, I want to fall in love and make babies and have a happy little life (and yes I know it's not that simple) but at the same time, I have learned so much about myself that I wouldn't trade for anything what I've gone through because it's made me so much better as a person. I definitely have a different perspective on men and women and relationships. It's hard for me to just let things happen because, like the control freak that I am, I like everything to go the way it's supposed to go (which is my way in case you didn't know). I've really just now settled in to myself and I'm enjoying it. I would prefer to find my green zebra sooner rather than later but I just keep reminding myself that I have plenty of time.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Unfortunately the Magic City Misfits lost to the St. Louis Gatekeepers but it was a really good game nonetheless. The officiating staff left much to be desired. It would help if the refs could keep up with the skaters. All in all it was a derby-ful weekend with LOTS of time spent at the rink. The Misfits are awesome skaters and people and I can't wait to see them play again.
I have a hard time accepting compliments from people in general, men in particular. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess some people I just don't take seriously? It also doesn't help when these compliments come from men who are otherwise unavailable. I mean, I know I'm beautiful but I guess it just doesn't carry the same weight as if some semi-attractive single guy told me. It probably doesn't help that dating in the 'ville is really not that great. I don't meet many "new" people because I've lived here along time and run with a certain group of people. I also don't do much besides work and derb. Maybe I need a new hobby that gets me out of the house. I think much of this goes hand in hand with me thinking that I'm alot of work as far as being a friend and romantic partner. I'm not sure how this got instilled in me but it sure has held fast in my psyche. People tell me this is not really the case but I don't really believe them.
Fall is finally actaully here. Temperatures in the 70's, the air feels a little chilly but there's some bright sun to warm you up. I think some camping should be in the works sometime soon :). Also: chili.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Things I'm excited about:
1. My trip to Florida for Thanksgiving
2. The Magic City Misfits bout this Sunday
3. Having a three day weekend
4. Sleeping in over previously mentioned three day weekend
5. Two new books I got for $0.99 each
6. My mom coming up for a long weekend in October
Things I'm not really excited about:
1. Being at work
2. Being single
3. Having former lovers try to persuade me it would be a good idea to have casual sex with them
4. My mom being in Florida
5. All the email I've been getting lately
I don't know why I've been so blah lately. I still miss my mother a lot. And work has just been...frustrating for lack of a better word. I'm constantly interrupted and new things are always being added to my plate. I wouldn't have much problem with this except that these things always need to be done now so I constantly have half finished things while something else takes priority. Many of these things don't actaully need to be done "right now".
Being single isn't terrible and it's actaully kind of nice. It's just my interactions with potential people are annoying and frustrating which is why I like being in a relationship if for no other reason than to not have to navigate the treacherous waters of the dating world. Are they interested or are they not? What exactly is it that they're interested in? I'm not that great at reading signals and even when I think I am or someone helps me out I still crash and burn. I try not to think about it too much.
My mom sends me pictures just about every day with my niece's latest activities/exploits. It's pretty hilarious. L already has a defined personality and it's so great to see how she interacts with the world around her.
Still no roommate but I haven't been looking very hard (or really at all). If it happens, it does. If not, oh well.
It's not quite fall yet but as is usual in Arkansas the weather hasn't quite made up it's mind yet. I think it's about to be camping time. It just need to cool off a bit first.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
So apparently summer decided to take a nose dive straight into the nasty part of fall weather. I don't like cold weather at all but I do enjoy fall. Those cold mornings and warm sunny afternoons with the crispy smell of leaves in the air. Instead we have chilly, damp, rainy weather. This does not a happy Camille make. I like weather that you can wear a scarf with short sleeves and boots with no tights. Leaves are falling off trees but it's more because the heat killed them, then the slow slide towards winter.
I'm not much of a cheerful person in winter and this weather doesn't help me at all. Work has finally slowed down a bit so I can now take a deep breath. There may be some changes in the works but we'll see about that.
I miss my mom. I miss M and I miss J. I think it's partly just the time of year but also that I just miss some of my very favorite people. Just talking with them and spending time with them. This kind of weather makes me maudlin.
I still think C and I breaking up was the best decision though it makes me a little lonely. Some people are better as part of a couple and I think I'm one of those. I'm not saying I can't be happy alone because I can and have. I just do a bit better when I have someone to compliment me.
On the derby front- we're doing a private bout for Kraft Foods; there's a men's bout the week after that; and NWARD is otherwise gearing up for our 2011 season.
I need a roommate- who wants to live with me?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
So...............C and I broke up. Again. For good this time I think. It was a mutual decision, based mainly on the fact that we weren't giving each other what we needed to be in a happy healthy relationship. We do love each other but it just wasn't working for us. We are committed to our friendship and I do think that we will be able to remain good friends. I think I'm a better friend than I am girlfriend. I do have to say that I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship patterns and hopefully in the future I'll be able to put what I've learned into practice in an effective manner. Oh single life, I both love and hate you.
My mom is heading down to FL for a few months to help take care of my niece. I'm SO jealous cause she'll be a 20 minute drive from the beach and because she'll get to spend time with L who is the most adorable child. I'll also really miss my mother. We have our ups and downs but are pretty close regardless. My brother should be back from Iraq by the end of the year. Contrary to what they're saying in the news, all combat troops are NOT out of Iraq. Actual troops in combat yes, but all troops that do combat, no. Grrr.
School started Monday at the UA. I have a love hate relationship with that. Canoeing Labor Day weekend, hopefully a trip to STL in September, and then MS and maybe Fl sometime this fall. Staying busy keeps me out of trouble :)
Friday, July 30, 2010
So by now most of you have heard that I was in a car accident last week. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
Last Thursday I was on my way to Memphis to catch a bus to Philadelphia to perform at the SGI-USA East Territory Youth Culture Festival. I stopped in Conway to pick up two people- P and E. A few miles outside of Lonoke, my tire blew out. I attempted to pull over to the side of the road. The shoulder was a downward slope before it dipped up again. As we went down the shoulder, the my car flipped a few times. Thankfully we were all wearing our seatbelts. E was fine. He handled it the best out of all of us actually. I was hysterical but otherwise okay. P had to be pulled from the car and was bleeding from her head. I don't know the people were that stopped but I am very grateful that they did. After several men managed to get P out of the car, an ambulance and the police were called. I cried on a strange man's shoulder and tried not to hyperventilate.
We all rode together in the ambulance and E's mom and a few MD and WD members met us at the hospital. E and I were fine but it was obvious P was not. The hositpal in North Little Rock was not very efficient and after spending several hours waiting in the ER, E and I decided to leave without being seen.
SGI had arranged a flight for E and I to Philadelphia since we had missed the bus in Memphis. We arrived in Philadelphia late Friday night. I had decided that because of my obstacles in getting to the festival, that I was going to have the best time that I possibly could. I like to think that I did. I met some old friends and new friends. I really had the most amazing time. I was in chorus and I have to say I didn't ever think I could sing as well as I did this past weekend. I was truly inspired by the people around me and my surroundings. I got to spend some time downtown and see the Liberty Bell and eat some delicious Indian food. Monday I opted to take a later flight since mine was oversold and ended up missing my connection in Memphis and spending the night there. I finally got back to Fayetteville on Tuesday morning.
P was released from the hospital on Monday with a staples in her head, a sprained elbow, and a bruised nerve in her neck that makes her arm go alternately numb and tingly. Overall she's doing fairly well and everything should heal with time. My mom was laid off a few weeks ago and has plenty of free time so she went down to Conway to take care of P for a few weeks. I've known P since she was 8 and I was 14. She's like the little sister I never had. I know that I can't let myself feel guilty because the accident wasn't my fault but I do feel guilty that she was injured under my care. I love her to pieces and I'm glad that she will be okay.
My insurance will not cover me getting a new car or anything so I will be without a car for who knows how long. I will be getting a bike soon though so that should help. Hopefully my insurance will cover most if not all of P's medical bills.
My birthday is in a week and I'm rather looking forward to it. I'll be 27, firmly into my late 20's. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing for my birthday yet but that's okay.
Check out my fb for pictures of my car and trip.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
And yes it could be hotter but it's pretty hot right now. Not much going on here. Spending time with my lady. Working. The derb. There's been a bit of drama but hopefully that's all done with. We're reformatting teams and other stuff for next season. Should be interesting.
I'm heading to Philadelphia this weekend for the SGI East Territory Youth Festival. I think it'll be alot of fun. I'll get to see some people I haven't seen in a few years.
My birthday is in three weeks! Well more like two and half weeks. I love my birthday. It's the one day that's really all about me. I have no qualms about getting older because I just get better with age.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 10:08 AM
Monday, June 28, 2010
I only require a few things for a good 4th of July holiday- beer, barbecued meat, fireworks, and the woman I love. Did I mention I also am going to have a 4 day weekend? Oh summer how I love thee.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
My mother and I visited C's new baby, D, on Saturday. OMG. She's so adorable and I'm totally in love with her. She gives my niece L a run for her money in cuteness. C and S are both attractive people so I knew they wouldn't have an ugly baby, it also probably helps that I love her parents too. I've always known I wanted to have kids (preferably my own but I'm totally down with adoption if it comes to that) but being surrounded by babies really makes me want them RIGHT NOW. Which is not smart or really feasible or affordable right now but my hormones don't really care about any of that. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time, etc. but jeez.
I'm more okay with my job than not, I was just having a not so great day last time I posted. I applied for another job on campus. I've had an interview and I think it went really well so we'll see if I make it to round two. I like my job now but I think I'm ready for some new challenges. I was at my step-dad's Sunday for Father's Day and I was telling him about all this. He was saying there's nothing wrong with staying at a good job. It's different for most people now just with the economy and the way other things have changed (most people don't stay at the same place for 20 or even 10 years). Working for the state I have a lot of really awesome benefits that alot of people I know don't have. One of my coworkers and I were having a conversation about being a "lifer" i.e. in for the long haul at the university. I think I would be okay with that. I need to get away from other people's opinion about what I should would could do and think about what would make me happy.
C and I are doing mostly good. Finally said the l word here recently. Being in love with her kinda freaks me out but I'm more okay with it now. We got in a fight the other night. I like to be right and can be kind of (okay, very) insistent when I know I am. She isn't as forceful as I am and will just back down. Which I don't like. I told her she needs to tell me to shut up and stop being an asshole. I need someone to tell me these things because most of the time I don't realize I come across that way. We also just process information and communicate differently. This is usually the source of our disagreements. We both think we're talking about the same thing but we're really not. I need people to be direct with me because otherwise I just don't get it. And I need to be more considerate of other people in general, and my girlfriend in particular. I've gotten better at it in the last few years but there is still much room for improvement.
The Killbillies are done for the season (unless by some chance we make it regionals). There's been some changes in coaching staff which seems to be going well so far. There will be some big changes before next season.....we'll see how that goes. Mostly good I think. The league has been exploding in size at a rate we have never seen before. Fayetteville and the Skatium have been very good to us.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Some days, like today, I feel totally disillusioned and unhappy with my job. I like it for the most part but I take a lot of crap in my position. I don't want to do it forever but I'm not sure what exactly I want to do. If I do want to do something else, I'll have to leave here. I can't move up because I don't have any supervisory experience but I can't get any in the position I'm in. I like working for who I work for but it gets frustrating. With the economy the way it is, I'm not going to up and leave just because. I have a good boss, good benefits, and a pretty good work environment. I don't want to go back to school because quite frankly I don't enjoy it and there's nothing that I'm that interested in.
I enjoy administrative work but I currently see no way really for advancement. Part of it is that I like my benefits working for the state and so would prefer to move to another state job if I did move. Blah.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 9:46 AM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
This past weekend, I took my girlfriend out on a really fun date. Saturday we drove down to Ft. Smith and went thrift store shopping (led by N) which resulted in C finding a pair of awesome boots as well as some amusing pictures. After that, we went to The Park at West End which has an old school ferris wheel and carousel. We ate sno cones and took fun pictures. It was SO much fun. C really loves carnivals and this was almost like a mini one. There weren't very many people there either which was nice.
Sunday night we went to the drive-in to see Prince of Persia and Alice in Wonderland. C hadn't even been to the drive-in before and it was alot really nice. We snuck in drinks and snacks.
Monday I broke out my grill for the first tie this season and made asian grilled chicken, some citrus salmon, and corn on the cob. All in all, a lovely holiday weekend.\
C and S welcomed their baby girl today! I'm so happy for them. She's beautiful (just like I knew she would be!). I'm surrounded by babies. H is due at the end of June but she's in Alaska so I won't her for awhile. And one of my coworkers is also due at the end of June.
We're off to Lubbock, TX this weekend to play West Texas and then to KC the weekend after. The Backwoods Betties are hosting a regional tournament the weekend after and I'll be playing! I'm super excited. All derby, all the time. What did I do with all the free time I apparently had before I started laying rollerderby?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
1. Clean my house from top to bottom
2. Do laundry
3. Clean out all three of my closets
4. Do something with the laundry room
5. Clean up my deck (and buy some citronella candles)
6. Rearrange my living room
7. Possibly paint either the living room or kitchen or both
8. Take my girlfriend on a surprise adventure
9. Take Gizmo to the park
10. Enjoy my 3 day weekend :)
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 2:15 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Last weekend my mom, my girlfriend, and I drove 18+ hours to FL to visit my brother (who was home on leave from Iraq), my sister-in-law, and my niece. I seriously had my doubts about this but still wanted to go. I knew my mom would drive me crazy at some point because that's just a given. I was worried that I would want to kill C by the end of it all. But actually, it was a lovely trip. While my mom did still drive me a little crazy, C and I got along just fine and I had a wonderful time with my family. Watching my niece and my brother together are the cutest thing ever. They've been communicating through Skype and you would never know my niece hadn't seen her daddy in 6 months. My niece is amazing and she has amazing parents! They adore her and she adores them. She's pretty hilarious and I can't wait until she starts talking.
Things with C are good, very good. Scarily so to me because I always expect the worse I guess? A friend of mine pointed out that I'm way harder on my self and view myself as a lot more trouble than I really am. Which is nice to hear. We all have our little bits of crazy, it's just a matter of whether or not the god stuff outweighs the crazy. C certainly seems to think so and I just need to learn to be comfortable with that.
Lots of stuff coming up this summer- going to the Indigo Girls tonight at the AMP, Memorial Day weekend this weekend with a surprise day trip for my girl, bout in West Texas next weekend, bout in KC the weekend after that, Betties Regional Tournament the weekend after that. And a trip to Philly mid- July for SGI stuff. Also what to do 4th of July weekend? I've been out of town the past two years in a row. I think I'd like to chill locally and grill, drink beer, and set off a bunch of fireworks. Possibly at my house if nothing else turns up. We'll see.
Oh summer how I do love thee.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Condoleezza Wanted To Play In The WNBA | The Frisky
This article is really awesome and highlights many of the reasons I enjoy playing rollerderby. I think people who have never played team sports underestimate the impact it can have on one's life. I came late to the athletics game having never played in high school or college but I can definitely say that it has made me a better person and I'm glad to be where I am.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 8:12 AM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The school year is over! Oh how I love Fayetteville when students are gone. I know I wouldn't have a job and Fayetteville wouldn't have some of the awesome things it does without the college community and all that. But the lack of coeds in the street and traffic in the morning is quite nice.
My brother has made it halfway through his second tour of Iraq and his home on leave right now. Mom, C, and I are driving down to FL next weekend for a quick visit. I'm super excited about seeing everyone again! L is looking more and more like J every day. It's so hilarious. I wonder what she'll REALLY look like when she grows up and if people will think she's white. She's 3/4 so mostly, but we do live in the South. One drop is all it takes. She already has more olive skin than other babies and living in FL will only help it along. So far her hair is light brown leaning towards blond and curls when wet. Both her parents have thick hair that curls naturally so she'll have a serious head of hair at some point.
Mom is who suggested that C come along on our trip, partially so that we'd have another driver. I had my doubts about all that time in a car together but I think we'll be okay. The weather has been gorgeous there, perfect for the beach :). Hopefully I won't end my trip broken out in hives like last time.
Things between C and I are good I think. We're both guarded in different ways about different things but time is the only thing that will help with that. I think we're both doing better at communication. You would think as much as I like to talk I would be really good at it but unfortunately this is not the case; especially with people that are really important to me.
The Killbillies last home game of the season is this Saturday! We're playing Dallas Derby Devils who are ranked #4 in our region. We're ranked #10. We can beat them, the question is will we beat them? I sure hope so. Our season so far is 3-1 and I'd really like to continue our winning streak :). After this it's away games, one in West TX and the other in KC. Nothing says summer to me like traveling for the derb. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before I played rollerderby. I mean, I must have had a lot of it to be able to fit it into my life and still do other things. Who knows?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sometimes I wonder who exactly people think I am. I wonder what they think because I'm "young", or because I'm light and have light eyes, because I'm a black woman, because I'm "just" a secretary. I think that they think I will see the error of my ways, or why they're right and I'm wrong, or what they're saying make so much sense. Or that I will just not argue and go along with it. I am not that person and never have been. Prove that I'm wrong and I might admit it. There are no guarantees. I may admit that you're right and still vehemently disagree with you. It's just how I am. Whatever stereotypes you think want to apply to me you might as well forget right now. I am not her or it or this or that. Come a little closer and I might let you in. No guarantees.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Oh how I love springtime and summer, sunny skies and blooming flowers. This is a good time of year to meet me if you don't already know because I am invariably in a good mood. Regular sunlight does that to me.
The other night I dreamed that I was in NYC visiting M. We were on the subway with some other people who I knew in the dream but don't know who they are in real life. It made me miss M a little more than I already do, and the city just a little bit. I'd like to make a trip up there this summer but I don't know if I can swing that. Oh well. I think she'll be coming down to visit sometime this summer. Maybe we can rendezvous in Memphis at some point if not the 'ville. WFTDA nationals are in Chicago this year in October- we'll see each other there if nothing else.
So C and I are dating again. We've remained friends through all of this and I really enjoy spending time with her. We both dated other people which made us appreciate each other more. I also think we have better ideas about what we want from a relationship and each other. I've been resisting this for awhile, my main concern being that I would end up breaking her heart. That could still happen though I really hope it won't. My mom pointed out that C is an adult and she can make her own decisions regardless of how I feel about them. I'm trying to work on my tendency to run at the first sign of trouble. I think it's good I did in this situation because we wouldn't have otherwise learned the things we did.
I haven't gotten any texts or phone calls from R here lately but I know that this post will probably result in me getting more. See, he reads this but doesn't comment. He prefers to send me nasty texts messages instead.I don't have many deal breakers but I do have a few and one of them is people treating me badly through words or deeds. When someone says things like " you need to up your prozac", that's taking something personal I shared and using it to hurt me- not acceptable. I don't want to be blamed for someone else's bad behavior. This is the last time I'm going to say anything about this or him. I can't believe I wasted this much time and space.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I wish people could move on as quickly as I could. When I decide I'm done, I'm really done. I don't try to think of things to hurt other people cause they're not that important to me. I understand some people just can't let go but don't try to drag me with you.
I've been hanging out a lot with C lately after the fiasco that was R. It's been kinda weird but mostly okay. I kinda feel like we're where we were before we started dating but just not as much sexual tension. It's still there, just not as bad. I feel like I need to talk about it and analyze it which is my downfall on a lot of things. And there's nothing to talk about or analyze I don't think. It has been making me rethink some decisions but I don't think I know enough of what I want to go anywhere with it. This is sometimes my problem- I think I know what i want and then things get a little cloudy.
I ran into the B look-a-like at kickball on Sunday and he got my number but I otherwise haven't heard from him. It weirds me out a bit how much they look alike and even have some similar expressions. It's like they could be related but I know they're not. I need to hang out with him more I think to get over that but we'll see if that actaully happens. I really need to get to be friends with anyone before I even start to think about dating them. I'm not so great at that though. I'm working on it.
I need to learn to manage my money better. I'll be doing okay and then kind of fall off the wagon. I've been thinking about maybe trying to get another roommate since I doubt I'll be able to find somewhere else cheaper to move having a dog and all. It's going to be hard though cause I'm not big on living with people. Part of the reason it worked with D is because we've known each other for so long. We'll see.
I've applied for a job with the Arkansas Department of Health. I found it on an AR State Jobs website. I (mostly) love working at the Grad School and the people I work with and whatnot BUT the position I've applied for would give me a chance to grow professionally and I'd be making ever so slightly more money. I still haven't figured out what I'm passionate about but I do enjoy administrative work. Who knows what'll happen though.
I've been playing around in Adobe Illustrator and I totally love it.I've designed some cards and one of the many tattoos I want to get. I need to save some money though :( I have 3 I would like to get sometime in the next 6 months or so and another that's more of a long term project.
I'm SO glad springtime is finally really here. Sunny days make my soul happy. I've been spending time outside when possible and it's lovely.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 4:08 PM
Friday, April 9, 2010
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 10:01 AM
Monday, April 5, 2010
I swear, almost every time I start dating someone new I'm reminded of why I don't really date. Some people's ideas of what is normal and right and good are sharply skewed and I'd do well to remember that. Who do you think you are that I should put up with your bullshit and let you talk to me this way? Maybe when I was younger I would have let it happen but I'm too old for this shit. Have a nice life.
Spring is finally here! Played some kickball this weekend, got rid of some crazy in my life, had some cocktails with friends. I need to stay away from the d for awhile. Jeez. I never learn.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So on the first day of spring Fayetteville got over a foot of snow. I was in Memphis where it was a sunny 60-something degrees. Oh Arkansas how you disappoint me. This happens every year to some degree. It'll be warm and pretty and then the weather will get cold and nasty again. And every year I'm surprised. I don't know why. I've lived here for over 10 years. You would think I was used to it by now. But no. I'm still tricked every year.
Drove back from Little Rock on Sunday with R. We didn't see any snow until we hit Ft. Smith. Before that it was just rain. Stopped and visited N for a little while. That was nice. I haven't actaully seen her in a few years. We may hang out again next week when she's in the 'ville.
I'm leaving for FL the day after tomorrow! So excited to L and S. L gets more adorable every day. It's pretty ridiculous. I can't believe she's going to be 1 already! Also I'll get to see open water! Yay! Even though it'll just the Gulf. Oh I can't wait to spend some time on the beach! Sand between my toes, the sun on my skin, and the wind in my hair.
R seems pretty cool thus far :) We had a good time hanging out this weekend. He's coming to my game next month and we've made plans to go camping when it gets warm. I've discovered some things about myself- I think I usually go for people who are emotionally unavailable so that I'm not forced to open up or share myself. And because of my guardedness I also sometimes attract needy/clingy people. Why do I have to be so complicated? I'm working on trying to open up but damn it's hard. And I don't know why. I mean I know I'm afraid of getting hurt but I don't really know the reason behind it. I kind of feel like I'm doomed to be alone until I do figure it out or at least until someone likes/loves me enough to stick around while I try to figure it out. At least I'm aware of it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sometimes I think I'm going to start taking it easy and not do so much stuff. But that never works out. There's always something else I want to do or have to do or just think it would be a good idea to do. But then, it's nice to have opportunities to travel and meet new people and see new things. The past three weekend have been derby, derby, and more derby. This weekend I have a Buddhist activity in Memphis (youth festival!) and then I'm going to stop in Little Rock to hangout with a friend. That should be fun and........ interesting. I'm not sure what R and I are going to do but bowling is on the table.
C and I have been working on our friendship and I think it's going well. It's nice to have good friends :). I started talking to N again. We haven't really talked in years. It's kinda weird but edging towards normal. I may stop in the Fort on my way back Sunday and visit.
Next weekend mom and I will be in FL visiting S and L! I'm SO excited. It's L's first birthday and I'll get to see open water. Oh how I love the beach!
I swear with me it's either feast or famine. Nothing is ever simple. Like this whole taking a break thing. Sort of not really happening. C commented on how she thought I should jump back in and keep trying until I get it right (sort of) not remove myself from the situation. If it at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I'm still going to take it slowish though whatever I end up doing.
In general, I like things to be neat and orderly. Since I took down my dreads and cut my hair, my hair has been anything but. Spiral curls are not neat or orderly. It's been a bit of a struggle for me to give in to my hair and to accept the disarray. I really enjoy it now though and think that currently my hair suits me better than it ever has. I've gotten more compliments on my hair in the past 4 months than in the previous 4 years which lets me know it was the right decision.
Yay for Spring!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I hate being in the middle of things. And it's not even really in the middle cause one side tells me things and the other doesn't. Which makes me feel weird. I know that not everyone likes to share every detail of their life the way that I do. I get that, I do. It just makes me wonder what they're not telling me about me and that just feeds into my insecurities I have about people and relationships. I can't just cut them off but it is sometimes oh so tempting.
NOLA was mostly fun. Being in a van for 12 hours with 14 people is not at the top of my list for a good time but it actaully was okay. I'm still tired, still recovering. But we won! 151 to 119. And I played pretty well. About as well as last weekend against COMO.
My winter doldrums are slowly lifting. It was warm and gorgeous this weekend and that definitely helped. I have lots of stuff coming up and that really makes me just want to retreat from all of it. On the upside- going to FL in a few weeks to visit S and L with my mom. Should be fun.
I have my work evaluation today. Super not looking forward to it. I've had a different supervisor for every eval I've had at this job. I never learn anything constructive or that I didn't already know. Boo hiss.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 2:16 PM
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Today I had lunch with B. I haven't seen him in over a year (since the Ice storm of 2009 actually). We'd been on-again off-again lovers for almost two years. My usual story- I had feelings for him and he didn't have feelings for me but we kept on. I'm not sure what made me finally break it off but I'm glad I did. I've come a long way in the last year and I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. We didn't even start talking again until a month or two ago. I was unsure about how wise that was but did it anyway. Today when I saw him, I felt nothing. No attraction, nothing. It was awesome. The conversation was a little awkward at first but then fell back into our usual pattern of giving each other a hard time. Anyway it was nice to have a bit more closure.
In other news C and I have started hanging out again and it's not very weird. We had lunch last Friday and it was a little awkward at first but we're good now. We hung out Saturday before and after the game. Speaking of the game....I got Blocker MVP!!! I never get stuff like this and it was a nice boost. We defeated COMO 200 to 106. They do Blocker and Jammer MVP's. Usually there's just one MVP and a jammer always gets it. I like their system and hope we will continue to use it.This weekend we're headed to New Orleans to take on Big Easy Rollergirls. Our record with the is 2-0 and hopefully that will continue. Super stoked!!!
Some things still make me crazy and I wish they didn't but there's not much I can do about it except deal with it. And they also bring up the things that I'm most insecure about, which are mainly my body and will I ever find someone who feels the same way about me that I do about them.
Mom and I are going to visit my sister-in-law and niece in Florida in 3 weeks!!! Super excited. I'm fien with doing nothing but spending time with them and hanging out on the beach.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
So I know I don't have any right to say this really since I broke up with her- but I miss my friend. I don't miss the relationship and I still firmly believe it was the best decision for both of us. We're not really talking right now cause she's dealing with things (mostly me) not that I can blame her. I'm not an easy person. But I do miss discussing my day and just hanging out with someone who's become a good friend over the last year.
Tonight at practice I was feeling kind of, oh I don't know, distant maybe? kind of secluded from the league. I get to feeling this way on occasion, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm not entirely sure why. I've had some moments since M left but C kind of helped with that. I just sometimes feel like if I wasn't there, no one would miss me, even though I know that's not true. Maybe it's just because it's hard for me to form close friendships and I don't feel like I really have that with anyone on league right now.
I've realized that I have issues separating physical closeness, intimacy, sex, lust, and infatuation. It kind of makes me not trust myself. I've decided to take a break from being involved with anyone for.....awhile. Time for a little self reflection.
Monday, February 22, 2010
C and I broke up over the weekend. It wasn't completely unexpected but still sad. She deserves better than I could give her. I'm hopeful that we can remain friends.
I have a lot of self reflection before I'm ready for another relationship I think. At least I recognize my issues more now that previously.
Practice was amazing last night. Almost everyone on league was there so scrimmaging was amazing. Killbillies actually got to play together as a team. We're playing COMO this weekend which should be fun and then we're off to NOLA the weekend after that. Can't wait!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm really done with snow and cold and any sort of winter weather. I'm more of a summer and sunshine kind of girl anyway. I always have been. I could never see ice again except as cubes in my cocktails and be perfectly okay with that. I usually am kind of sad/depressed/down in winter time just because of the lack of warm and sunlight. This year it''s been a little worse I think. I was okay up until all the snow in January. Fayetteville has never had this many snowfalls in the 10+ years that I have lived here. I can't wait for it to be warm again and I can unearth my flipflops.
I've been wanting alot of alone time lately and that's been rather difficult. I'm at work all day surrounded by people and have to interact with them. A few nights a week I have activities that require more interaction like derby and my Buddhist activities. Usually I like to recharge by spending time alone, just me and Gizmo. And sometimes she's too much company for me. Though I enjoyed D living with me, I really enjoy living alone and being able to come home and shut everyone out. My mother and I had a conversation about how we're both very similar in this. Occasionally I recharge by spending time with people but that doesn't happen often.
I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks for derby and I'm pretty excited. Hopefully the weather will be at least a few degrees warmer there. I also have a few friends that live there that have never seen me play so that's exciting. Also- more black people than I see in a week in Fayetteville, delicious food, and maybe a little shopping.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 11:40 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I haven't felt much like blogging lately, mostly because I've been so busy it's been hard to articulate how I feel about a lot of things. The first two weeks of school are over and so that craziness is behind me. A welcome reprieve before the office starts gearing up for commencement.
Killbillies had our first home game of the season this past Saturday at our new home, the Starlight Skatium. We lost to Memphis (boo) but had an amazing SOLD OUT crowd. Close to 600 people were there, over 200 turned away. Finally NWARD has the adoring crowd we deserve. It was such a great feeling. We have a game against Assassination City in Dallas this weekend but don't think we're going to make it because of the weather. It's supposed to start raining/freezing rain/sleet/wintry mix this afternoon and then get worse as the evening goes on. I'm hoping to leave work early.
C and I are still dating which is nice. I haven't dated anyone that I was friends with first in forever. She already knows all of my faults and still likes me :) Which is good cause I'm not exactly low maintenance. We spend ridiculous amounts of time together. Sorry if you're one of the people I've been neglecting. I'm working on getting some balance in my life.
In other news- my niece is getting bigger and more beautiful every day! Also I will have TWO new nieces in June! My best friend C and her husband S are expecting a girl and so is H, my brother's sister in Alaska. I'm super excited. More babies in the family. Yay! I'm need to get started crocheting baby blankets. Another friend of mine is due in May but is having a boy.
Oh yeah my brother started a blog http://gijoehill.blogspot.com. It's mostly his random rantings. He's trying to collect some followers.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
So right now I'm sitting in LaGuardia waiting for my flight back to Fayetteville. I'm glad to be going home, sleeping in my own bed, and seeing my girl but I'm not glad to be leaving one of my best friends
behind. It was a great trip though I think I'll try to stick with visiting not in winter. It has snowed twice during my five day visit. I think I've gotten more sentimental in my old age. I used to hardly ever cry and now it seems like a lot of things will at the drop of a hat. M and I went to the Cathedral of St. John of the Divine and they had an AIDS memorial Christmas tree. There were little notes people had left, those made me want to cry they were so heartbreaking. Weddings always make me cry I've discovered. Thinking about my brother in Iraq away from his family brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if maybe I'm just more compassionate than I used to be or maybe I've just gotten less selfish.
Something about C turns me into this crazy jealous person. I don't know why. It mostly relates to M but it's not rational. We've been friends for 13 years and I know he'd never make a move on my girl. But
the rational part of my brain has not been talking to the crazy part. I talked to M the other day though and we're good. I apologized in advance for any craziness I may display towards him. And then I told C
all about it. I think she thought it was kinda cute. I really like this girl, that's my only defense. We're kind of ridiculous.