Sometimes I wonder who exactly people think I am. I wonder what they think because I'm "young", or because I'm light and have light eyes, because I'm a black woman, because I'm "just" a secretary. I think that they think I will see the error of my ways, or why they're right and I'm wrong, or what they're saying make so much sense. Or that I will just not argue and go along with it. I am not that person and never have been. Prove that I'm wrong and I might admit it. There are no guarantees. I may admit that you're right and still vehemently disagree with you. It's just how I am. Whatever stereotypes you think want to apply to me you might as well forget right now. I am not her or it or this or that. Come a little closer and I might let you in. No guarantees.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Oh how I love springtime and summer, sunny skies and blooming flowers. This is a good time of year to meet me if you don't already know because I am invariably in a good mood. Regular sunlight does that to me.
The other night I dreamed that I was in NYC visiting M. We were on the subway with some other people who I knew in the dream but don't know who they are in real life. It made me miss M a little more than I already do, and the city just a little bit. I'd like to make a trip up there this summer but I don't know if I can swing that. Oh well. I think she'll be coming down to visit sometime this summer. Maybe we can rendezvous in Memphis at some point if not the 'ville. WFTDA nationals are in Chicago this year in October- we'll see each other there if nothing else.
So C and I are dating again. We've remained friends through all of this and I really enjoy spending time with her. We both dated other people which made us appreciate each other more. I also think we have better ideas about what we want from a relationship and each other. I've been resisting this for awhile, my main concern being that I would end up breaking her heart. That could still happen though I really hope it won't. My mom pointed out that C is an adult and she can make her own decisions regardless of how I feel about them. I'm trying to work on my tendency to run at the first sign of trouble. I think it's good I did in this situation because we wouldn't have otherwise learned the things we did.
I haven't gotten any texts or phone calls from R here lately but I know that this post will probably result in me getting more. See, he reads this but doesn't comment. He prefers to send me nasty texts messages instead.I don't have many deal breakers but I do have a few and one of them is people treating me badly through words or deeds. When someone says things like " you need to up your prozac", that's taking something personal I shared and using it to hurt me- not acceptable. I don't want to be blamed for someone else's bad behavior. This is the last time I'm going to say anything about this or him. I can't believe I wasted this much time and space.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I wish people could move on as quickly as I could. When I decide I'm done, I'm really done. I don't try to think of things to hurt other people cause they're not that important to me. I understand some people just can't let go but don't try to drag me with you.
I've been hanging out a lot with C lately after the fiasco that was R. It's been kinda weird but mostly okay. I kinda feel like we're where we were before we started dating but just not as much sexual tension. It's still there, just not as bad. I feel like I need to talk about it and analyze it which is my downfall on a lot of things. And there's nothing to talk about or analyze I don't think. It has been making me rethink some decisions but I don't think I know enough of what I want to go anywhere with it. This is sometimes my problem- I think I know what i want and then things get a little cloudy.
I ran into the B look-a-like at kickball on Sunday and he got my number but I otherwise haven't heard from him. It weirds me out a bit how much they look alike and even have some similar expressions. It's like they could be related but I know they're not. I need to hang out with him more I think to get over that but we'll see if that actaully happens. I really need to get to be friends with anyone before I even start to think about dating them. I'm not so great at that though. I'm working on it.
I need to learn to manage my money better. I'll be doing okay and then kind of fall off the wagon. I've been thinking about maybe trying to get another roommate since I doubt I'll be able to find somewhere else cheaper to move having a dog and all. It's going to be hard though cause I'm not big on living with people. Part of the reason it worked with D is because we've known each other for so long. We'll see.
I've applied for a job with the Arkansas Department of Health. I found it on an AR State Jobs website. I (mostly) love working at the Grad School and the people I work with and whatnot BUT the position I've applied for would give me a chance to grow professionally and I'd be making ever so slightly more money. I still haven't figured out what I'm passionate about but I do enjoy administrative work. Who knows what'll happen though.
I've been playing around in Adobe Illustrator and I totally love it.I've designed some cards and one of the many tattoos I want to get. I need to save some money though :( I have 3 I would like to get sometime in the next 6 months or so and another that's more of a long term project.
I'm SO glad springtime is finally really here. Sunny days make my soul happy. I've been spending time outside when possible and it's lovely.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 4:08 PM
Friday, April 9, 2010
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 10:01 AM
Monday, April 5, 2010
I swear, almost every time I start dating someone new I'm reminded of why I don't really date. Some people's ideas of what is normal and right and good are sharply skewed and I'd do well to remember that. Who do you think you are that I should put up with your bullshit and let you talk to me this way? Maybe when I was younger I would have let it happen but I'm too old for this shit. Have a nice life.
Spring is finally here! Played some kickball this weekend, got rid of some crazy in my life, had some cocktails with friends. I need to stay away from the d for awhile. Jeez. I never learn.