I decided to move my blog from blogger to tumblr. You can find it here: http://camorzilla.tumblr.com/. Tumblr has a few more options like being able to post private posts without having to make the entire blog private. I'll probalby keep this one up for a while but all of my previous blog posts have been migrated over. I'm working on the comments but I may have lost those. Thanks!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
So I met this man who makes me happy. Thinking about him puts a stupid grin on my face. It's kind of ridiculous. He has yet to get on my nerves, which is no small feat for those of you who know me. I don't know what it is about him but I feel safe when I'm with him, like I don't have anything to worry about. I have never in my life not wanted to fuck something up as much as I want to not fuck this up. I could really keep him around for a long while I think. I don't worry about what he's thinking or how he feels because he tells me. A few times my brain has tried to resurrect my old crazy relationship insecurities but so far I have been able to smack them back down. I am trying to not be continually surprised at how sweet he is to me. I'm also trying to be open about my feelings and not worry so much about getting hurt. Right now there are so many other things going on in my life and it's nice to not have my relationship be one of them for once. I'm still holding my breath but I've begun to let it out a little at a time. Sometimes I think I might be afraid to let myself be too happy.
Last week I went to a conference in Orlando, FL. It was put on by the United States Electronic Thesis and Dissertation Association. This sounds pretty dry, I know, but it has a lot to do with my job so I was hoping it wouldn't be too boring. Some of the sessions were really boring. But a few them were really interesting and I think that the information I gathered this past week will go a long ways towards changing the way we do things. Some people are resistant to change but in the long run these changes will make things easier, cheaper, and more convenient for students. They will also change the way my office works, for the better. I still have to type up my notes and come up with a proposal but it was nice that graduate school staff across the country have the same issues with students and that it's not just me. The conference also made me think A LOT about my professional life and where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I could really stay in this field (graduate students, thesis/dissertation stuff).
Also on the upside of being in FL for a week- I missed a week of rain in AR apparently. After our last round of rain I think if I had been home it might have just killed me. In Fl, the weather was 80+ all week long and I got to spend some quality time by the pool reading and soaking up some Vitamin D. I've recently started re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series and I totally love it. I first started reading it after my brother gave me the first book for my birthday when I was in high school and finished it when Stephen King FINALLY came out with the last book a few years ago. There's been talk of a film (with Javier Bardem as the gunslinger!) and it made me want to read it again. Currently my bedroom is kind of being overrun by books but I'm actually kind of okay with that.
Oh and NWARD won against ICT 128 to 125 AND I got MVP!!! This is only the second time in my 5 year derby career that this has happened.
Now back to work :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Yeah that break I was going to take? Not so much. I'm kinda seeing this new guy and so far so good. It's early days yet though. It's not that I want for something bad to happen, I've just kind of learned to expect it. This weekend we went to a baseball game Friday night, which was a lot of fun. Saturday night we watched movies and he cooked me dinner. It has been YEARS since a man cooked me dinner. Or any meal for that matter. This may seem like a small thing but it's kind of a big deal to me. It tells me that he is actively thinking about doing something nice for me. Or maybe he was just trying to impress me. If so, it totally worked.
So for all that I like to act pessimistic and everything, I'm really an optimist and hopeless romantic. Which I guess is a good thing. I have my occasional bouts of depression and hopelessness but I think those are getting farther and fewer between. Also it's about to be summertime which always cheers me up. It's hard for me to be in a bad mood when the sun is shining and there are green things growing everywhere (thanks to the fucking monsoon rains).
It's almost the end of the semester (only 5 more days!) and I'm really looking forward to it. I still have plenty of work to do in the summer time but everything just slows down a bit. I'm off to Orlando next week for a work conference which will also include a little Mom time since she's only two hours away and will be driving up. Can't wait! I've always been a momma's girl and having my mother so far away has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Heartbreak Rollers defeated the Hardwood Hustlas 73 to 53. It was a really good game. I am SO proud of my team. Everyone really played their best.
I don't know how it happened but I ended up with the best team (for me). I was not looking forward to having home teams. I was ready to bitch and complain about all of it. But surprisingly I like my team. All of them.
I got a new tattoo several weeks ago. It's a mended heart (broken heart but with the pieces being held together with stitches.) Most people think I got it for my team. This is partly true. My team this season made me fall in love with derby again. To enjoy playing just to play and not have winning be the be all end all goal but just playing the best that you can. I think by being focused on our team work we forgot about ourselves as individuals and were able just to give ourselves up to the game.
The other reason I got my tattoo is because I kind of feel like that's how my heart is. It's been broken but I have all the pieces and it's slowly mending. I just have to hold them all together long enough.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
People always seem to think that I am "so busy" and have "so many friends". Neither of these things is true. I am at work Monday through Friday 8am to 5pm and that takes up the bulk of my time. Derby practice three times a week that I attend roughly 75% of the time (except not so much here lately because of my fucking ankle). But really......I spend much of my time alone. I don't have people calling or texting me at all hours of the day and night or very much at all really. I am not that person that everyone wants to be friends with or wants to hang out with.I don't have a lot of friends, I just know a lot of people. My supposed best friends are busy with lots of other things that don't include me. All of my friends are coupled up and while theoretically I'm happy for them it means less time for me. I feel like the awkward third wheel on the odd occasion when I do hang out with them. I feel lonely and alone most of the time and there's just not much about my life or myself that I like right now. Maybe I'm just too much work for most people to be regular friends with or I have too high of expectations of friendship or something. I really just don't know.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 4:29 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A broke up with me because "he didn't see it going very far". I'm actually really okay with this. I had really been thinking about where our relationship was going (if anywhere) and this saved me from having to make a decision or think about it any more. We agreed to remain friends and it'll be interesting to see if that actually happens.
So I think I may take a break from dating/men/etc. I've said this before so we'll see how long it lasts. Right now my goal is until my birthday which is a little over 3 months. Really it'll be more that I'm not actively looking. If someone amazing drops in my lap I'm not going to turn them away. I just think too much all the time and in particular about dating and relationships.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
And so at what point do you delete/inactivate your online dating profile? I'm thinking after you have the exclusive talk though neither of us are seeing anyone else at the moment (I don't think). I don't plan on seeing anyone else as long as I'm seeing A. I'm not really very good at juggling people anyway. The only thing that made me think of it was that I got a message on one of the sites I'm on. Le sigh. Too much thinking already for today. I think I'll shove this to the back burner for a few weeks and hopefully it will resolve itself.
After my weekend of dates (which was pretty ridiculous quite frankly) the field has narrowed down, partly through choice and also partly through natural selection I guess. I had a great time with A that Friday night and was really glad I had decided to go out with him again despite a first impression that wasn't so great. Coffee with C at the Farmer's Market was just kind of awkward. Though that may have been just me because he sent me a text the next day saying it was nice to meet me and to add him on facebook. That did not happen. I mostly had fun hanging out with B Saturday night but then he pulled a slow fade on me the following week and I haven't heard from him since.
So the thing with A was that I just wasn't sure about the physical attraction. There wasn't really anything else I had an issue with- he's fun to talk to and spend time with. My mom said as long as I didn't feel repulsed by him then there was still potential. And she was totally right. We went to the movies and at one point he reached for my hand.....and I jumped and kind of pulled away. So then I was totally over thinking everything and of course it didn't occur to me to just reach for his hand. Anyway we've since talked about it and everything is fine. I have a lot of fun with him. He's funny. He teases me but in a fun way, not a "I want to kill you if you don't leave me alone" kind of way. He also can beat me at Words with Friends which is pretty hot in my book. He came to an all star game against RVRG (we won! 210 to 69!) and totally enjoyed the derb which is pretty important.We spent most of this past weekend together and he didn't get on my nerves at all which is good for me because I think sometimes I can be kind of impatient and a little critical.
One of the things I always struggle with when dating someone new that I really like is my overactive brain. I just think too much. I always wonder if he is in to me as I am in to him. There have been times when I thought so and that was not the case. I wonder when something is going to go wrong because I feel like surely something this nice cannot last. I also want to spend a lot of time with that person partially cause I really dig them but also because that person is new and fun and interesting and I want to know all about them.
Right now I'm just going to take a deep breath, enjoy myself, and try not to think too much.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Five years ago today I went to my first meeting and practice of what would become Northwest Arkansas Roller Girls and then Northwest Arkansas Roller Derby. I heard about it from a friend of a friend (who no longer plays) and went to the first meeting at the Dart Room. It was smoky and smelly and I wondered what I was getting myself in to. After that was out first practice and I fell in love. I had planned on moving to Arizona but I wasn't willing to move away from my new found love. Yes of course they have derby in Arizona but it's not the same as helping START something.
Believe it or not, I originally wanted to be a jammer. I thought it was where all the fame and glory was I think. By the time I attended my first roller derby bout in Kansas City that May, I knew that I was really a blocker at heart. We had our first game in October 2006. We played our first all star game against Assassination City in Dallas in February 2007 (I think). Though we lost more often than not (and always as Hardwood Harlots) somehow it never really got to me or made me want to quit. I have played in every single game except for two- in Fall 2009 I fell during a game with Tornado Alley Rollergirls (now Oklahoma City Roller Derby I think) and tore a ligament in my knee. I missed the last two games of the season- a home team bout and the first time we played No Coast.
Fast forward five years later- rollerderby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I never for one minute regret going to that first meeting. I have met some of the most amazing people (including two of my current best friends). I've traveled to places I probably otherwise wouldn't have gone and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I've gotten to hone my party planning and other organizational skills. Sometimes I wonder what I did with all my free time before derby because apparently I had a lot of it. I mean, I must have to be able to devote so much time to derby and still find time for everything else.
Random derby facts about me:
1. My original derby name was Betty Stalker
2. I was the first captain of our all star team
3. My first derby crush was Annie Maul of Kansas City Roller Warriors
Thursday, March 31, 2011
So last week I went out with two different guys. The first guy I'm not really attracted to.....though that could change (let's call him A). The second guy I am more attracted to.....but he doesn't seem to have much potential otherwise (B). Both are kinda nerdy, which I totally dig. Something that I just realized and find kind of amusing is that A has been texting me often enough though not as much as B was the first few days (though he has since fallen off). I was a bit put out when B stopped responding as quickly but totally didn't even give it a second thought in regards to A. I guess it's all about perception. On the other hand, I was listening to NPR on my way home from work yesterday and there was a story that made me think of A.
I have plans with A, maybe B, plus someone I'll call C this weekend. I'm not sure if any of these will amount to anything but I think it's good to dip my toes in every once in awhile.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I was at the liquor store a few weeks ago and apparently a guy I went on a date with in November works there. He said he wold call me and never did. I was okay with that because there wasn't really a connection. He makes a point to come over and apologize for not calling me. Really dude? It's been like 3 months, totally not even on my radar.
I recently joined a new online dating site. I've been getting messages left and right though not many are promising. This one guy decided to IM me and call me rude and then proceeded to block me because I didn't respond quickly enough to his message. It wasn't even 24 hours later.
It's weird to me when you know people in real life and then see their online dating profile. What's even weirder is to see someone's profile that you DON'T know and then run in to them in public. They don't know who you are but you know that they enjoy the farmer's market and long walks. This has happened to me twice in the last month and while it's amusing it also feels a little creepy.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Recently I was reading an article on one of my favorite sites and there was an article called 7 Pieces of Advice I Made Up For Myself and one of those pieces of advice really spoke to me: 3. Love means never feeling like you might scare someone away.
I almost always feel like I might scare someone away. I can tell you, it is not a nice feeling, like you have to conceal parts of yourself or be less than who you really are in order to reel some unsuspecting person in just for some small chance at happiness. Most of the time I do scale it back a bit and try to present the nicest version of myself. And then once you get comfortable with that person and let down your guard, you're not who they thought you were. I don't do that anymore.
I have had people tell me that I can be intimating, or scary, or just too much to handle. I tell myself that I am better off without these people who can't "handle" me. While I know that I am better off, it doesn't hurt my feelings any less. I know what I want and if you ask me I will tell you. If you can't handle the answer you might want to rethink your questions or who you're asking them to.
I am comfortable with who I am and I not going to fit myself into small dark boxes just to make you feel more comfortable with yourself.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
So I've been dating J for a month or so. Things were going surprisingly well. I was kind of apprehensive because I'm not used to dating men who treat me well (and aren't crazy or have drama or SOMETHING).
I had been feeling like things were kind of off but it was nothing in particular that I could put my finger on. I wasn't sure it was my gut instincts telling me something was wrong (and my instincts have never steered me wrong once I started listening to them) OR just my own insecurities related to my relationship karma. I've been working on trying to tell the difference. Usually my reaction to issues in a relationship is to cut and run and I'm trying to stop doing that so I don't miss out on someone or something just because I'm scared.
Then, yesterday (which would be Valentine's Day) I felt like things were kind of weird so I asked him what was going on. And he told me that he was thinking about getting back together with his ex. Let me add a note here that we didn't have plans to spend V-day together because of our conflicting work schedules HOWEVER a lady does not like to hear that kind of news on any day much less a holiday that is centered around romantic love.
So here's what I told him. I said that I was pretty awesome and I thought maybe we could be awesome together. There was a reason he broke up with his ex and that if he decided to go back to her there would be no coming back to me. I said that I appreciated his honesty and hoped he would continue to be honest with me whatever happened. I said he could have all the time he needs but there is no guarantee that I would still be around when he made his decision.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself. In the last few years I have made such a difference in the way I handle all my relationships but in particular my romantic ones. I cried for a few minutes after we got off the phone. It was more principle than anything about him in particular. But. I left myself be in a funk all yesterday and then I let it go. There was a reason I met him and maybe I don't know why yet but I will later. I don't regret any of the relationships I've been in over the past few years (which have been 90% bad). I've learned so much about myself and I know that when I do finally meet and fall in love with whoever I'm meant to be with, they will be grateful for all my past relationships too.
One more step in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Can I just say that I hate dating? Do I like them, do they like me, what are they looking for in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. Usually I end up being more interested in them then they are in me. Or they don't want a serious relationship. Or a monogamous relationship. Or a relationship at all (just sex). Occasionally it's obvious to both of us that neither of us is interested in the other. Occasionally they're more interested in me than I am in them. Very rarely we're equally interested. And sometimes I just can't tell.
In the last few years I've really grown as a person in respect to relationships. I know what I do and don't want. I know what my deal-breakers are. It's hard to meet people in this town. Especially if you're not into the bar scene. I do some online dating and occasionally meet people through friends. Le sigh. Fayetteville is the Bermuda Triangle of the dating world. For reals.
I feel like most people know by the end of the first date if they want to see each other again. By the next date or two you know whether or not you're attracted to that person. And then somewhere, somehow you decide whether or not you want to be in a monogamous relationship with that person.
I personally don't typically date more than one person at a time because I'm just not good at juggling or dividing my time and attention like that. It doesn't bother me (much) if the person I'm dating is also dating other people if we're not having sex and haven't agreed to be monogamous. But what is a good time line for that? I have no clue! Most guys are just trying to get in my pants but those who aren't are sometimes hard to tell apart from the rest. Do I want to be called or texted everyday? Not necessarily but every other day at least. I don't want to be the one to make plans all the time- they should make some effort there too.
I'm not very patient. In fact, I'm kind of known for my impatience. I want what I want how I want it and I want it NOW. I think I'm a pretty decent catch- I have a good job, I'm pretty attractive, in decent shape, have a good relationship with my family, have hobbies that keep me active and my creative juices flowing, I'm a good cook, and I'm a good friend. What are YOU bringing to the table? Does you plus me equal amazing? If you like me, you need to let me know. And if you're not interested, let me know so I can stop wasting my time. People tell me that I can be intimidating. But what does that mean exactly? That I scare off guys who might otherwise have the balls to approach me? That most guys who are interested in me don't have the balls to approach me? Who knows. I seem to have equally bad luck approaching guys as waiting for them to approach me.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm fine with being single BUT I do enjoy having a special someone. Hopefully 2011 will be a better year for my love life.