Oh this is true and not true. My best friend got married this past weekend and I've been thinking about long term relationships and marriage and babies more than ever.
I sometimes wonder if there's something inherently wrong about me that scares men off. I know I'm flawed (let's not talk about how deeply) but I wonder why I can't find someone who accepts my foibles the same way my friends do. I meet people, but not often and it just doesn't go anywhere. Or I jump in to quickly before realizing that no I don't really like them like that. Or I don't give them enough chances or a chance. Or I start something in the wrong way and then it runs rapidly downhill. My friends, both male and female, say there's nothing crazy bad about me but that I just haven't met the right person yet. Which is most likely true but I can't help but wonder.
Take my current situation- involved with a good friend who I've been involved with before. I broke it off because I had feelings for him and he didn't for me (the story of my life) and I felt like we were in a relationship but he didn't. So getting involved again is not the smartest thing I've done but I feel like I'm going to get into trouble regardless so it might as well be with someone I know and trust. We'll see how long this lasts before I once again have feelings and I attempt to communicate them before getting shot down *sigh*.
I'm only 26 and I know I have plenty of time yadda yadda yadda but in the meantime while I have a full life (friends, dog, rollerderby, kickball, books, work), I'm lonely sometimes and just want someone to share my life with. Am I really so much to put up with? I want someone who thinks I'm awesome and accepts that I'm bossy and demanding but also appreciates my baked goods and my loyalty.
One of my biggest fears is that I will end up at 40 childless and alone. I plan on children regardless and won't be waiting until 40 to do it but it could happen.
I'm not sure what I want to do with my life other than that I want it to be meaningful in some way. I'm thinking about going back to school for something but I'm not sure if I'm really passionate enough about it to make it work. Again I know I have plenty of time but I am slowly getting older. Muah.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I've been spending alot of time with an old friend here lately. M's known me for over ten years and it's nice not to have to explain the background on what I'm thinking because he knows me so well. It's amazing what a little physical affection can do for a person. I've always been very physically affectionate with my friends and other people close to me though it's decreased over the years. Some people are uncomfortable with that and I try to respect it. Anyway it's been interesting and fun.
C is getting married on Saturday. It should be fun and interesting. I'm happy for her and S seems like a great guy. I'm a bridesmaid (first time ever) and that should be fun. The wedding is in Eureka Springs and I'm staying with a friend I don't get to hang out with much.
A good friend of mine who also had dreadlocks combed hers out a few months ago. She managed to keep alot of her length and it looks really good.............and I've been thinking about trying to so the same. But only if I would be able to keep most of the length. My hair typically grows very slowly and currently it's the longest that it's ever been (with my own hair) which is a little past my shoulders. From what I've read, dreaded hair is usually only 2/3 of the length of your actual hair undreaded so theoretically if I had the time and patience I could keep a lot of my length and just wear it natural. I know a lot more about maintaining natural hair then I did when I was 19 and decided to dread it. We'll see......regardless I'm not going to cut it. I think I'm just getting itchy. This is the longest I've ever had a single hairstyle.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
So I have another niece.................sort of. My stepdad (who's technically not really my stepdad anymore because at this point him and my mom and have been divorced longer than they were married though he is also my little brother's father but anyway), his wife's daughter and her husband had a baby this past weekend. They haven't named her yet, partially because they didn't know if it was going to be a girl or a boy and they wanted a surprise. I SO cannot imagine doing that. I would want to know as soon as possible. Anyway so there will be two almost cousins only 6 months apart. Should be fun when they get older.
On the upside I'm hoping my brother, his wife, and the baby will be able to make it to AR for Thanksgiving. Partially because I want to see the baby but also because my brother's being deployed in December and S and L are moving to Florida. My brother's other sister (not my sister) and her husband might be in town from Alaska which would make it more fun. Also hopefully C and C and their new baby will come up from TX. And maybe my aunt from MD and who knows who all else.
It's really funny to me. I have alot of family on my mom's side that I'm fairly close to and then I have alot of "family" that I'm not related to (my stepdad and his wife and their respective families) but am also close to. It's nice to have a big family though.