Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Oh this is true and not true. My best friend got married this past weekend and I've been thinking about long term relationships and marriage and babies more than ever.

I sometimes wonder if there's something inherently wrong about me that scares men off. I know I'm flawed (let's not talk about how deeply) but I wonder why I can't find someone who accepts my foibles the same way my friends do. I meet people, but not often and it just doesn't go anywhere. Or I jump in to quickly before realizing that no I don't really like them like that. Or I don't give them enough chances or a chance. Or I start something in the wrong way and then it runs rapidly downhill. My friends, both male and female, say there's nothing crazy bad about me but that I just haven't met the right person yet. Which is most likely true but I can't help but wonder.

Take my current situation- involved with a good friend who I've been involved with before. I broke it off because I had feelings for him and he didn't for me (the story of my life) and I felt like we were in a relationship but he didn't. So getting involved again is not the smartest thing I've done but I feel like I'm going to get into trouble regardless so it might as well be with someone I know and trust. We'll see how long this lasts before I once again have feelings and I attempt to communicate them before getting shot down *sigh*.

I'm only 26 and I know I have plenty of time yadda yadda yadda but in the meantime while I have a full life (friends, dog, rollerderby, kickball, books, work), I'm lonely sometimes and just want someone to share my life with. Am I really so much to put up with? I want someone who thinks I'm awesome and accepts that I'm bossy and demanding but also appreciates my baked goods and my loyalty.

One of my biggest fears is that I will end up at 40 childless and alone. I plan on children regardless and won't be waiting until 40 to do it but it could happen.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life other than that I want it to be meaningful in some way. I'm thinking about going back to school for something but I'm not sure if I'm really passionate enough about it to make it work. Again I know I have plenty of time but I am slowly getting older. Muah.