Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I over analyze things. I rehash things over and over again in my head and out loud. I know my friends love me when they listen to me dissect the same issue 10 times in 10 different ways in the space of about 10 minutes. It helps me work thourgh things to say them out loud (I may also be trying to convince myself of things).

I've been spending alot of time with M lately and while it's nice, I think it's ultimately destined for trouble. I really enjoy his company which is part of the reason we've been friends for so long but I think I have trouble distinguishing the line between the benefits and friends part of friends with benefits.
So while on the one hand I like our "relationship" how it is in that we're not in one and we're just friends with nookie on the side and if he indeed wanted something more it would totally freak me out, on the other hand of course it would be nice if he did magically have feelings for me. But see even if he did, which he doesn't, it would never work out. Mostly because I want marriage and babies, and the white picket fence and all of that and he wants none of it. It's hard though when he hugs on me and kisses me in front of people (apparently to hint that he was in the mood- I'm real slow on the up take, he should have just said something) to remember that "oh yeah, we're just friends". And I know I just need to talk to him and lay down some rules, but I also really enjoy the physical affection.
I have a tendency to fall for boys/guys/men who are unavailable to me in some way- physically, emotionally, married. Oh and I did I mention that M and I have been involved before and I broke it off cause I had feelings for him and he didn't for me? Yeah I know, not the brightest move on my part to get involved again.

Anyway I will once again be surrounded by babies in late spring, early summer of next year. It makes me sad and excited and jealous all at once. My brother is being deployed to Iraq again in December. I try not to think about that too much. I miss NY and M. I think I'm going to go up and visit her for New Year's instead of in November.

It's definitely fall in Fayetteville now. It's been chilly and rainy the last few days and the leaves are starting to turn. This weather makes me I bought some autumn flowers at the Farmer's Market Saturday after meeting S for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to talk with her. Going camping in a few weeks with D and the dogs and some friends. Really looking forward to that.

The end of the year is swiftly approaching.