Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Spring What?

So on the first day of spring Fayetteville got over a foot of snow. I was in Memphis where it was a sunny 60-something degrees. Oh Arkansas how you disappoint me. This happens every year to some degree. It'll be warm and pretty and then the weather will get cold and nasty again. And every year I'm surprised. I don't know why. I've lived here for over 10 years. You would think I was used to it by now. But no. I'm still tricked every year.

Drove back from Little Rock on Sunday with R. We didn't see any snow until we hit Ft. Smith. Before that it was just rain. Stopped and visited N for a little while. That was nice. I haven't actaully seen her in a few years. We may hang out again next week when she's in the 'ville.

I'm leaving for FL the day after tomorrow! So excited to L and S. L gets more adorable every day. It's pretty ridiculous. I can't believe she's going to be 1 already! Also I'll get to see open water! Yay! Even though it'll just the Gulf. Oh I can't wait to spend some time on the beach! Sand between my toes, the sun on my skin, and the wind in my hair.

R seems pretty cool thus far :) We had a good time hanging out this weekend. He's coming to my game next month and we've made plans to go camping when it gets warm. I've discovered some things about myself- I think I usually go for people who are emotionally unavailable so that I'm not forced to open up or share myself. And because of my guardedness I also sometimes attract needy/clingy people. Why do I have to be so complicated? I'm working on trying to open up but damn it's hard. And I don't know why. I mean I know I'm afraid of getting hurt but I don't really know the reason behind it. I kind of feel like I'm doomed to be alone until I do figure it out or at least until someone likes/loves me enough to stick around while I try to figure it out. At least I'm aware of it.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Here, there, and everywhere

Sometimes I think I'm going to start taking it easy and not do so much stuff. But that never works out. There's always something else I want to do or have to do or just think it would be a good idea to do. But then, it's nice to have opportunities to travel and meet new people and see new things. The past three weekend have been derby, derby, and more derby. This weekend I have a Buddhist activity in Memphis (youth festival!) and then I'm going to stop in Little Rock to hangout with a friend. That should be fun and........ interesting. I'm not sure what R and I are going to do but bowling is on the table.

C and I have been working on our friendship and I think it's going well.  It's nice to have good friends :). I started talking to N again. We haven't really talked in years. It's kinda weird but edging towards normal. I may stop in the Fort on my way back Sunday and visit.

Next weekend mom and I will be in FL visiting S and L! I'm SO excited. It's L's first birthday and I'll get to see open water. Oh how I love the beach!

I swear with me it's either feast or famine. Nothing is ever simple. Like this whole taking a break thing. Sort of not really happening. C commented on how she thought I should jump back in and keep trying until I get it right (sort of) not remove myself from the situation. If it at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I'm still going to take it slowish though whatever I end up doing.

In general, I like things to be neat and orderly. Since I took down my dreads and cut my hair, my hair has been anything but. Spiral curls are not neat or orderly. It's been a bit of a struggle for me to give in to my hair and to accept the disarray. I really enjoy it now though and think that currently my hair suits me better than it ever has. I've gotten more compliments on my hair in the past 4 months than in the previous 4 years which lets me know it was the right decision.

Yay for Spring!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Stuck in the Middle

I hate being in the middle of things. And it's not even really in the middle cause one side tells me things and the other doesn't. Which makes me feel weird. I know that not everyone likes to share every detail of their life the way that I do. I get that, I do. It just makes me wonder what they're not telling me about me and that just feeds into my insecurities I have about people and relationships. I can't just cut them off but it is sometimes oh so tempting.

NOLA was mostly fun. Being in a van for 12 hours with 14 people is not at the top of my list for a good time but it actaully was okay. I'm still tired, still recovering. But we won! 151 to 119. And I played pretty well. About as well as last weekend against COMO.

My winter doldrums are slowly lifting. It was warm and gorgeous this weekend and that definitely helped. I have lots of stuff coming up and that really makes me just want to retreat from all of it. On the upside- going to FL in a few weeks to visit S and L with my mom. Should be fun.

I have my work evaluation today. Super not looking forward to it. I've had a different supervisor for every eval I've had at this job. I never learn anything constructive or that I didn't already know. Boo hiss.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Dating Shouldn't Have To Be Expensive | The Frisky

Dating Shouldn't Have To Be Expensive | The Frisky So true!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Keeping the past where it belongs

Today I had lunch with B. I haven't seen him in over a year (since the Ice storm of 2009 actually). We'd been on-again off-again lovers for almost two years. My usual story- I had feelings for him and he didn't have feelings for me but we kept on. I'm not sure what made me finally break it off but I'm glad I did. I've come a long way in the last year and I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. We didn't even start talking again until a month or two ago. I was unsure about how wise that was but did it anyway. Today when I saw him, I felt nothing. No attraction, nothing. It was awesome. The conversation was a little awkward at first but then fell back into our usual pattern of giving each other a hard time. Anyway it was nice to have a bit more closure.

In other news C and I have started hanging out again and it's not very weird. We had lunch last Friday and it was a little awkward at first but we're good now. We hung out Saturday before and after the game. Speaking of the game....I got Blocker MVP!!! I never get stuff like this and it was a nice boost. We defeated COMO 200 to 106. They do Blocker and Jammer MVP's. Usually there's just one MVP and a jammer always gets it. I like their system and hope we will continue to use it.This weekend we're headed to New Orleans to take on Big Easy Rollergirls. Our record with the is 2-0 and hopefully that will continue. Super stoked!!!

Some things still make me crazy and I wish they didn't but there's not much I can do about it except deal with it. And they also bring up the things that I'm most insecure about, which are mainly my body and will I ever find someone who feels the same way about me that I do about them.

Mom and I are going to visit my sister-in-law and niece in Florida in 3 weeks!!! Super excited. I'm fien with doing nothing but spending time with them and hanging out on the beach.