Monday, December 28, 2009

A New Adventure

I'm off to New York to visit M tomorrow! I'm so excited!!! Gizmo is off to play in the country and I'm finishing up laundry and packing. I'll post photo updates, don't you worry.

In the last year one of my best friends moved halfway across the country and the other one got married. I've been feeling a little adrift and am kind of just now realizing why. I think I'll be okay though.

I've been spending a lot of time with C here lately. I'm really enjoying myself. Someone asked me where this was going and I don't know and right now I'm not going to think about it too hard. We're officially dating and a few people have referred to her as my girlfriend. And I'm okay with that.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Christmas is in 3 days. I'm looking forward to it mostly because it comes with a week and half off work. One week from tomorrow I'll be in NYC with M for 5 days. SO excited!

I'm dating someone new? Kinda strange and definitely unexpected but in a very good way. I took up with M again but I'll be breaking it off again. I'm not willing to share C and she's not thrilled about sharing me either.

So Scott Leeper (who's this awesome blues guitarist) is playing at Smoke and Barrel on Christmas Eve. I think Mom and I are going to go. And then Christmas Day we're going to go see Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Junior. AND THEN the Starlight Skatium has it's grand opening the day after Christmas. That will be so much fun! C and I went and skated Friday night. The floor is so smooth and amazing. I can't wait to have practice and bouts there.

Friday, December 18, 2009

It Makes My Heart Hurt

My brother is  being deployed today for his second tour in Iraq. He's 22. My brother and I have never been close. I probably resented him from the moment of his birth, taking my place as the baby. There were times living in the same town we didn't see or talk to each other for months. Over the last few years however, we've gotten closer and I definitely appreciate him more and I like to think he appreciates me too.

I can't comment on my brother as a husband or son or friend. He's improved as a sibling. But one thing I can say, is that he adores his daughter, my niece. She is the image of him as a toddler but with more my personality. I love her with all my heart and I know he does too. I can't imagine in what world deploying a unit right before Christmas is a good idea. He will miss L's first Christmas, her first birthday, and her first steps. This is not a world that I like living in. I'm fairly liberal. I'm not pro-military but I don't blame the soldiers that are doing a job because they're not in charge. The army has been the best thing that ever happened to my brother if only because it gave him a new and much needed perspective on life.

My thoughts and prayers for this new year are only that my brother come home to his family safely, all in one piece, with everything that he left with.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Funny tidbit

So there's this married guy who has the hots for me, R. I was super attracted to him.....before I found out he was married. I won't lie, I kissed him a few times and felt semi terrible but I haven't seen him in months. I'm glad he lives in a different town. I saw R Sunday night and he asked how my boyfriend was. I told him that I broke up with E because he didn't ever want to get married or have kids again and those were deal breakers for me. He asked why I didn't stay with him because maybe he'd change his mind. So I said "that would be like me fucking you and hoping you would divorce your wife". He didn't have much to say after that. Muah!

Fa la fucking la

Christmas is right around the corner. It looks like it may just be me and mom this year. I'm okay with that. A nice chill Christmas watching movies, some cocktails, and good food. Then off to New York to see M and enjoy New Years.

Last night several of us went to Tulsa to participate in a charity bout. There were 9 of us from NWARD and girls from several other leagues. We were split up into 4 teams and played a mini tournament. My team won! It was SO much fun. The last game I played was our tournament in Alabama in July. It was a nice warm up for our game in  January against Memphis. It was nice to see my girls again. Can't wait for out 2010 season! It's going to be so ridic.

My love life is complicated. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not everything is black and white

So I reading this article about lesbians and sexuality and a bunch of other stuff and it got me thinking. A lot of people think of sexuality in absolutes. You're either straight or gay and the people in between (who may or may not identify as bisexual) are "confused" or something. This is super annoying to me. I blogged about this a few months ago but I have a crush on a friend and she has a crush on me and so I started thinking about it again. Most people assume I'm straight and I let them because it's easier and my sexuality is no one's business and I really don't want to have that discussion with most people. M and I had a conversation several months ago about the fluidity of sexuality. I know women who always considered themselves straight until they met a woman they were attracted to.  I know men who were married to women and have kids and are gay. I consider myself bisexual but I kinda really hate that word and the connotations that are associated with it. I don't know who I'll end up spending the rest of my life with. It may be a man, it may be a woman. I just want someone who thinks I'm awesome, amazing and wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

Monday, December 7, 2009


I'm feeling cranky today. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm a little tired from  this weekend but I did get plenty of sleep/rest last night. People are just super annoying me today. They want to give me too much information and the information they want to give me isn't even the right information. Ugh.

I have class tonight hopefully followed by some Super Mario on Wii and a stiff drink.

Two and half weeks until Christmas break, three weeks until New York! I'm counting down the days.

Friday, December 4, 2009

All alone again

E and I finally talked last night. We broke up :( but there wasn't really any way around it. We're going to try and be friends which I think we can do. I hope so. Overall I think we had a good talk.

This what I told him: That I REALLY like him. That when he calls or texts me it makes me smile. That I enjoy spending time with him and being close to him and I like that he doesn't tease me about the big things that bother me but only the small things. But that no marriage and no kids was a deal breaker for me. That there was just no way I couldn't not have kids.  I told him that I thought he was hurt and afraid after the death of his son and his divorce and that I couldn't even begin to understand how he felt but I couldn't wait for him or be in a relationship with him hoping that he would change. That I wasn't in love with him now but that I could be in the future. And I would rather be hurt now than fall in love with him and have my heart broken later.

So I'm single again but I'm not entirely happy with it though it is by choice. I've come a long way in my relationships and I'm rather proud of myself. A few years ago I probably would have stayed just because I really liked him and had my heart broken. Or I would have just cut him off altogether and slowly faded out of his life. We could have avoided this talk for a long time. But I decided that the only way for me to make progress in my relationships emotionally and otherwise was to face this head on. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

NWARD is having a bootcamp this weekend and I'm attending. It'll be nice to have the distraction. And to improve my skating and scrimmage. And see my friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Monday, November 30, 2009

What goes up must come down

Last weekend I was at E's house and someone called and referred to him as my boyfriend and I was all "he's not my boyfriend.....really". After I got off the phone, I asked him if he minded if I referred to him as my boyfriend. He said no. Since we were having that conversation, I figured I'd ask why he got divorced because I never had and didn't want to dig too much too soon. I won't spill all his personal business but the long and the short of it is that he never wants to have kids or get married again. This in NO WAY works for me. These are serious deal breakers. I think he's more afraid of getting hurt again then anything else but I'm not going to stay in a relationship with someone and hope that they change their mind about something so important.

After I left his house, I called my mom and cried my eyes out on my way home. I'm not in love with him....but I think I could be at a later point in time. I REALLY like him. And I really hate all of this. I've been working on making myself more vulnerable but dammit I hate being hurt. It kinda makes me want to swear off dating or relationships or anything. Which I know isn't reasonable. But I'm not exactly feeling rational at the moment.

I am not going to settle and I deserve to have what I want. Which is someone who could see being with me long term and for me that includes marriage and children. When we first started dating, he said he wasn't looking for something casual. I guess he meant serious but not that serious? I really don't even know.

Anyway I'm still not entirely sure how this will all end up. With the holiday and all we haven't had a chance to sit down face to face but that is coming soon.............

Friday, November 20, 2009


Today is my last day at work for a whole week. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not burned out exactly, just ready for some me time. Sleeping in, dressing sloppily, and spending time with my family. Then I just have to make it for another 3 1/2 weeks before I get a week & 1/2 off which will include 5 day in NY with M. Can't wait! I haven't left Arkansas in much too long.

Last night I made potato soup for E and I to have for dinner tonight. I also made some lemon coconut cookies by request. I still have dough for another few dozen. Not sure when I'm going to do that.

Next week I'll be doing a TON of baking. Still haven't decided on my dessert menu yet. So far it looks like carrot cake, fruit cake cookies, and apple pie. I'll probably be do pound cake and banana bread but I'm not sure if I'll do anything else. Depends on how much energy I have :) Maybe another pie?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Work what?

Some days, like today and most of this week actaully, I just don't feel like working. I'm the kinda person who needs to be kept busy so I have very rarely have NOTHING to do but I would like it if one of those things was not work.

I really like crafty things. I made my Halloween costume, I made a headpiece for S's wedding, I can sew decently, I've recently learned to crochet, I make jewelry, and when I was younger I used to paint. Quite alot in fact. Two things my parents never had a problem buying me when I was a kid were books and art supplies. I haven't painted in a few years for no particular reason thought i still have some paint and my favorite paint brushes. Here recently I bought some paint (Liquitex acrylic) and last night I went and bought some canvas. So I would really rather be at home painting today. I have ideas in my head that need to come out. I'll also probably need some more canvas or some cardboard or something soon.

I'm looking forward to this evening. E is joining us for wings at Lucky Luke's. Mmmmmm....a man that I like, friends, and good food. A girl couldn't ask for more.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Random pieces of my life

This past weekend I met most of E's family and some of his good friends. It was interesting. And nice. They seemed to like me and I liked them. I was a little nervous but for no reason. Things are rolling right along though maybe not as slow as I was trying for but I think that's okay. Can I just say again how much I really like this guy? He's adorable, funny, smart, sweet......and he's super into me.

Our dogs also met for the first time and they get along. I was a little worried....Gizmo gets along with most dogs but that fight she had when I went camping has made me a little more cautious. E has a dog door and a fenced back yard which Gizmo loved! I really wish I had a fenced yard to offer her. I know she must get bored sometimes at home especially now that Iris is gone.

Sunday we went up to Bentonville and had lunch at Aroma, this Indiana & Pakistani restaurant. It was SO good. I haven't had good spicy Indian food in awhile.
Afterwards we stopped by Sephora and I got some new hair products. There's this stuff called Carol's Daughter that's made from natural ingredients and is geared specifically towards black hair. And they have it in NWA! I really like it so far. My hair looks great and smells good. I think I'm going to buy some more of their products in the future. They also make bath and body stuff and Sephora carries most of their full line.

I bought my ticket to visit M in New York for New Year's. I'm so excited! Mostly to see my best friend of course but also just to take a trip. I'll be there for 5 days, Tuesday through Saturday. Enough time to eat some yummy food, go to some museums, and maybe do a tiny bit of shopping. Oh and prolly fall in love with the city all over again.

My brother's family will be here in less than two weeks! And I've taken the week off to spend with them. I never minded my family living all over the place but as I get older, I kinda wish we all lived closer, at least within a few hours drive. We'll see.

Work's been a little crazy but nothing too bad. It's just that time of year. If I can make it through the next week and a half I'll have an entire week of vacation to spoil myself.

So close yet so far away.......

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Unadorned blackness 5

What Brings You To The Big O?

What Brings You To The Big O?

This article is really great! I think some guys do know how things work but alot of them don't. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. They act like it's personal if they can't get you off. Usually it's not. If I'm not alone there's no telling what will work. Some things work with some people and not with others. There's no sure fire way for me. That doesn't bother me though. I think for men, the be all end all is the orgasm and that's just not true for most women. Some of the best sex I've ever had did not involve me having an orgasm. Anyway just thought I'd overshare a bit this morning.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Take it slow

Things are going well with E, my new guy that I've been dating for ................about a week and a half. It seems much longer than that..........which he says is what happens when two people really click. I really like this one. I know I've said that before but I REALLY do. People have commented that I seem different about this one, that I seem happier and have a bit more of a sparkle in my eye. He's pretty fantastic. He thinks I'm hot and awesome and tells me so on a regular basis. He likes to cook and since I like to eat that works out well :)
I'm really enjoying myself. I'm trying to be well behaved and not over analyze or rush things or get ahead of myself. It's hard cause I like to just dive into things.

My brother, his, and my niece will be here in 3 weeks!!! I'm so excited. You know, I really love my family. Yeah they drive me crazy sometimes but who doesn't? Thanksgiving will be pretty awesome this year. Lots of family and lots of food.

D moved out :( which is sad. It had nothing to do with our friendship which is good. Gizmo is a little lonesome but we're going to schedule some playdates.

So reorganizing the goal is NOT to accumulate more stuff. We'll see how that works out.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30* | The Frisky

30 Things Every Woman Should Have Before She Turns 30* | The Frisky

I really love this list. I'm 4 years away from 30 but I have accomplished many of these things....which makes me feel nice.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Up and away again

So last night I attended my first league practice in over a month. I didn't die and I managed to keep up during scrimmaging. When I'm away from derby I somehow convince myself that....I don't's not as amazing or something? And then when I'm back, it's like a breath of fresh air. Anyway it's nice to be back in the fold....there's been a few changes but nothing I can't handle.

I went on a date last week with a guy I met online (I know). And it went really well. Surprisingly so in fact. We've hung out twice more since then. It's really nice to actually date someone. He asked me out for dinner, we had a drink afterward, he told me he had a great time and that he thought I was pretty. He texted me the next day saying he had a great time and that we should hang out again soon. And we have. M has recently kinda sorta started dating someone also and she commented how weird it was that we were 25 and 26 and are just now really experiencing real dating. And how nice it is. We're both just taking things slow and trying not to over analyze (like we both like to do).

And on a another note......I'll have to tell M that I met someone. Not that I think he'll really have much to say about it. I just don't want to do it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Unadorned blackness 4

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Miles and miles

So in effort to get my act back together (and cause I promised D I would) I went outdoor skating last night. Currently we're just having practices on Sunday but some girls meet on Tuesdays to do some outdoor skating to get some extra skating in.

Oh.My. God. We (well most of us) skated on the bike trail from Wilson Park all the way to Target and back. I don't know exactly how far it was but I know it was AT LEAST 6 miles. I kinda felt like I might die on the way back. But I did do it. And there were other people who didn't.....even though they've been (I assume) attending practice more regularly. Anyway so this gives me more confidence about attending practice since I haven't been in over a month. I super need to get it together.

It felt amazing skating last night. It's strange to me that it took me this long in life to find out that I really enjoy team sports and physical activity. It was also super nice to see my derby girls that I haven't seen in awhile.

On a side note: how are you going to try and be all nice and make conversation with me when the last time I saw you, you made a shitty comment that was uncalled for and unprovoked? I'll do what I have to do for derby and if it involves working with you than I will. But we have not ever been and at this point will never be friends. We are league members and occasional teammates.

Monday, October 19, 2009


Damn. So I've been slacking a lot the past few weeks or rather......................

since Labor Day. I keep meaning to go to practice and then something happens. J actaully emailed me last week asking what was up. And I said I was going to be at practice on Sunday but didn't make it. I got closer than I have previously. Anyway, so I got a text from D saying I needed to get my act together because she's always fighting for me and other people are not feeling me. Team selection is coming up soon.
I just haven't been feeling excited about derby lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I know I need to get it together and if I don't, I could end up on the Betties. If that happens, I'll probably quit. And I don't know what I would do after that. There hasn't been much to my life other than derby in forever. And I love it. But I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I've plateaued in my skating which really scares me because I feel like I'm just sinking lower and lower.
This is starting to feel like a lot of other things in my life where I have to put up or shut up and I usually shut up...because I can't motivate myself enough to make things happen. Hopefully that won't happen with derby.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Unadorned blackness 3

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Unadorned blackness 2

A different kind of natural

So.......I did it. Or rather, am in the process of doing it. Combing out my dreads. I'm 90% done and should hopefully finish the rest tonight after work. It's been a long process (I started Saturday before last) but I have managed to keep a decent amount of length though keeping in mind that my dreads pulled my hair straight essentially and so now it's kinked back up. My hair is uneven but it always is so that doesn't bother me too much. At some point I'm going to flat iron my hair to get a look at the real length and probably do a quick trim. I also need to dye it because most of the colors I've dyed my hair over the years are somewhat visible. I've decided to wait a few weeks though to give my hair a chance to rest and to condition it after all the trauma I've put it through.

I'm actaully really excited about doing something different with my hair. I know it'll be a lot more work that I'm used to, but right now I'm okay with that. I know more about natural hair than I used to and I've been reading up. It seems likely that my go to style will be two strand twists with the occasional braids or maybe a small 'fro. It is long enough to pull back but I don't want to do that every day. We'll see. Pictures coming soon!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I have a hatred for almost all things salad. The taste of lettuce in my mouth makes me want to gag. Similar response for the taste of mayo.
I realized here recently though that I don't have to make things the traditional way. For instance a few weeks ago I made chicken sald but with greek yogurt instead of mayo or salad dressing. I also put in green apples, red peppers, and cucumber along with a splash of lemon juice and some garlic and black pepper.
Tonight for dinner I think I'm going to make my version of pasta salad. Slightly al dente whole wheat rotini, chopped up chicken that was baked in olive oil, garlic, and Italian seasoning, chopped fresh spinach, feta cheese, chopped black olives, all tossed with some olive oil, garlic, and more Italian seasoning (which I bought at the farmer's market). Served at room temperature, this is one of my favorite dishes.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Unadorned blackness 1,33754/

The AVClub has an interview with Chris Rock about his new comic documentary Good Hair. At one point, the interviewer asks Chris Rock "Do you think it's the unadorned blackness that people have a problem with?" I think is an awesome question and I think the answer is yes. People (mostly white but not all) assume that black people are a certain way and so is their hair. And they get scared and confused when people don't fit nicely in their little box.

Anyway I've been going through some hair things lately so I really enjoyed this interview. I'll be posting some pictures soon. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I over analyze things. I rehash things over and over again in my head and out loud. I know my friends love me when they listen to me dissect the same issue 10 times in 10 different ways in the space of about 10 minutes. It helps me work thourgh things to say them out loud (I may also be trying to convince myself of things).

I've been spending alot of time with M lately and while it's nice, I think it's ultimately destined for trouble. I really enjoy his company which is part of the reason we've been friends for so long but I think I have trouble distinguishing the line between the benefits and friends part of friends with benefits.
So while on the one hand I like our "relationship" how it is in that we're not in one and we're just friends with nookie on the side and if he indeed wanted something more it would totally freak me out, on the other hand of course it would be nice if he did magically have feelings for me. But see even if he did, which he doesn't, it would never work out. Mostly because I want marriage and babies, and the white picket fence and all of that and he wants none of it. It's hard though when he hugs on me and kisses me in front of people (apparently to hint that he was in the mood- I'm real slow on the up take, he should have just said something) to remember that "oh yeah, we're just friends". And I know I just need to talk to him and lay down some rules, but I also really enjoy the physical affection.
I have a tendency to fall for boys/guys/men who are unavailable to me in some way- physically, emotionally, married. Oh and I did I mention that M and I have been involved before and I broke it off cause I had feelings for him and he didn't for me? Yeah I know, not the brightest move on my part to get involved again.

Anyway I will once again be surrounded by babies in late spring, early summer of next year. It makes me sad and excited and jealous all at once. My brother is being deployed to Iraq again in December. I try not to think about that too much. I miss NY and M. I think I'm going to go up and visit her for New Year's instead of in November.

It's definitely fall in Fayetteville now. It's been chilly and rainy the last few days and the leaves are starting to turn. This weather makes me I bought some autumn flowers at the Farmer's Market Saturday after meeting S for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to talk with her. Going camping in a few weeks with D and the dogs and some friends. Really looking forward to that.

The end of the year is swiftly approaching.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Oh this is true and not true. My best friend got married this past weekend and I've been thinking about long term relationships and marriage and babies more than ever.

I sometimes wonder if there's something inherently wrong about me that scares men off. I know I'm flawed (let's not talk about how deeply) but I wonder why I can't find someone who accepts my foibles the same way my friends do. I meet people, but not often and it just doesn't go anywhere. Or I jump in to quickly before realizing that no I don't really like them like that. Or I don't give them enough chances or a chance. Or I start something in the wrong way and then it runs rapidly downhill. My friends, both male and female, say there's nothing crazy bad about me but that I just haven't met the right person yet. Which is most likely true but I can't help but wonder.

Take my current situation- involved with a good friend who I've been involved with before. I broke it off because I had feelings for him and he didn't for me (the story of my life) and I felt like we were in a relationship but he didn't. So getting involved again is not the smartest thing I've done but I feel like I'm going to get into trouble regardless so it might as well be with someone I know and trust. We'll see how long this lasts before I once again have feelings and I attempt to communicate them before getting shot down *sigh*.

I'm only 26 and I know I have plenty of time yadda yadda yadda but in the meantime while I have a full life (friends, dog, rollerderby, kickball, books, work), I'm lonely sometimes and just want someone to share my life with. Am I really so much to put up with? I want someone who thinks I'm awesome and accepts that I'm bossy and demanding but also appreciates my baked goods and my loyalty.

One of my biggest fears is that I will end up at 40 childless and alone. I plan on children regardless and won't be waiting until 40 to do it but it could happen.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life other than that I want it to be meaningful in some way. I'm thinking about going back to school for something but I'm not sure if I'm really passionate enough about it to make it work. Again I know I have plenty of time but I am slowly getting older. Muah.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A little of this and that

I've been spending alot of time with an old friend here lately. M's known me for over ten years and it's nice not to have to explain the background on what I'm thinking because he knows me so well. It's amazing what a little physical affection can do for a person. I've always been very physically affectionate with my friends and other people close to me though it's decreased over the years. Some people are uncomfortable with that and I try to respect it. Anyway it's been interesting and fun.

C is getting married on Saturday. It should be fun and interesting. I'm happy for her and S seems like a great guy. I'm a bridesmaid (first time ever) and that should be fun. The wedding is in Eureka Springs and I'm staying with a friend I don't get to hang out with much.

A good friend of mine who also had dreadlocks combed hers out a few months ago. She managed to keep alot of her length and it looks really good.............and I've been thinking about trying to so the same. But only if I would be able to keep most of the length. My hair typically grows very slowly and currently it's the longest that it's ever been (with my own hair) which is a little past my shoulders. From what I've read, dreaded hair is usually only 2/3 of the length of your actual hair undreaded so theoretically if I had the time and patience I could keep a lot of my length and just wear it natural. I know a lot more about maintaining natural hair then I did when I was 19 and decided to dread it. We'll see......regardless I'm not going to cut it. I think I'm just getting itchy. This is the longest I've ever had a single hairstyle.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

New baby in the family

So I have another niece.................sort of. My stepdad (who's technically not really my stepdad anymore because at this point him and my mom and have been divorced longer than they were married though he is also my little brother's father but anyway), his wife's daughter and her husband had a baby this past weekend. They haven't named her yet, partially because they didn't know if it was going to be a girl or a boy and they wanted a surprise. I SO cannot imagine doing that. I would want to know as soon as possible. Anyway so there will be two almost cousins only 6 months apart. Should be fun when they get older.
On the upside I'm hoping my brother, his wife, and the baby will be able to make it to AR for Thanksgiving. Partially because I want to see the baby but also because my brother's being deployed in December and S and L are moving to Florida. My brother's other sister (not my sister) and her husband might be in town from Alaska which would make it more fun. Also hopefully C and C and their new baby will come up from TX. And maybe my aunt from MD and who knows who all else.
It's really funny to me. I have alot of family on my mom's side that I'm fairly close to and then I have alot of "family" that I'm not related to (my stepdad and his wife and their respective families) but am also close to. It's nice to have a big family though.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I love my dress and it loves me

So I just bought this dress at Target. Love it! August Silk cardigan from TJ Maxx, Kenneth Cole REACTION flats also from TJ Maxx, black bangle and necklace from Charlotte Russe, earrings from a fleamarket in Savannah

Monday, August 31, 2009

Roxanne Shante Has Her Label Pay For PhD | The Frisky

Roxanne Shante Has Her Label Pay For PhD | The Frisky

Shared via AddThis

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm a grown up now

So recently I got an email from A saying he was in the 'ville and would like to meet up for a coffee or something. I asked why and he said to catch up. At first I said yes, but then I changed my mind. And here's what I told him:

Here's the thing- I shouldn't have said yes I would meet up with you. I have no desire to catch up. I don't think we can be friends and right now I have no inclination to spend time with you. You forfeited your right to be involved in my life when you broke up with me and then posted shitty comments about me on your facebook page. I know you'll probably think I'm being unreasonable and that if I had ever really cared about you I would want to see you, etc. But this is who and how I am. I take things too seriously and my feelings get hurt by small stupid things. I'm bossy and controlling and I like things done my way or the highway and I try to compromise but quite frankly I'm not very good at that obviously. And when I've moved on from something or someone and I'm done, I'm really done. And I'm done with you and our relationship. You're a great person, just not for me and I hope that you'll meet someone one day who can make you happy.

This is a big step for me in that in the past I would have just avoided him completely and not ever really gotten any closure so to speak. I hope this closes it off for both of us.

Hi I'm a single girl living in a town I love. What can you show me today?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Not Just Bi for the Guys

This article is great. I don't date women much. Partially cause alot of the lesbians in this town are kinda crazy and partially since they wouldn't touch with me a 10 foot pole since I also like men. I also don't meet alot of women that I'm attracted to that are also attracted to me. I do hate the assumption that if you're "bi" then somehow how you're not trustworthy in a relationship. I usually don't comment on my sexuality unless I'm asked directly (which is rare). I don't discriminate who I'm attracted to on the basis of sex. It's the mind that I'm after and the body is just an added bonus.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Hot Springs or Bust

This past weekend D invited some of us down to her parents lake house in Hot Springs, complete with pontoon boat and pool. It was so much fun. Quiet and relaxing. I camped in a little tent. WB and her man, S and her husband and kids, and W and baby W all came down. I got a great tan and some quality time with some of my favorite people. It was just what I needed. D's parents are great folks.

This weekend is the last home game of the season for NWARG and the last game (unless something aamzing comes up). Backwoods Betties are playing Green Country Rollergirls Thunder Dollz which should be interesting. M will be in town!!! I'm so excited! I miss that girl likes nobody's business. I know everyone else is excited to see her as well.

I've finally cut the cord completely with A. We were going to try to be friends but that's just not working for me. He's immature adn thoughtless and I can't believe I put up with things as long as I did. I'm glad he broke up with me so I didn't have to do it. And I think that he really just couldn't handle me. I need someone who can and he is not it.

Thursday night when D was taking me home after my night out drinking I ran into a friend of mine I haven't seen in aboput 4 years. We've known each other since junior high and have been involved a bit over the years but we've always been friends. We hung out last night and it was a lot of fun. There's soemthing about people who have known you for forever that's really nice. It cuts down on alot of explaining. We've had some good times me and him. Hopefully we'll stay back in regular touch.

So I'm over the hump of my twenties and now I'm closer to 30 than not. I'm really okay with that. I've never had any problem getting older and I feel like I only improve with age. If you've known me for long enough you know this is oh so true. I'm definitely more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been and more in tune with myself. I actaully like myself most of the time. I hope you do too.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

To Dominate or Be Dominated?

Oh this article speaks the truth. At least for me. I'm in control in most areas of my life. Sometimes it would be nice to NOT be in control or even have to have any control or to think about it at all. Of course I would have to have a crazy level of trust with someone. I think because I'm so "capable" I attract men who need to be taken care of. I can take or you but that doesn't mean I want to. I can take of myself so you should be able to as well. It would be nice to have someone who could take care of me every once in awhile though.

So since A and I broke up I've decided to jump back into the dating scene (not that I was super out there before you whatev). I've gone on two dates. Both went well but I'm more interested in one guy then the other. One I met online and the other is a friend of a friend. I definitely need to take it slow after my recent relationship adventure. It's a bad habit of mine to dive headfirst into things and I could see this guy getting skittish. He's sweet and like to read! and cook. I know, sounds good already right? So we'll see. I need to put post it notes everywhere to remind myself to be slow and undemanding. Yes, me, undemanding.

It's really interesting dating white guys again after dating a black guy, not that I keep track or anything, but just as far as expectations go. In some ways it's better with white guys because they have less expectations, or maybe they're just different. I'm not entirely sure. Their preconceived notions are different. Maybe since I've grown up in a majority white world I know how to deal with those more easily than not.

M is coming to visit next month! I'm so excited! I thought I was going to have to wait until November. She'll be here for the weekend of the Betties game (which is NWARG'S last home game). *Sigh* I miss her all the time. I've had other best friends but she really is the best. As long as she's in the city I'll probably be visiting at least a few times a year.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

5 Things I've Learned Recently

1. Whether or not I share all my shit, I still scare them off so I might as well get everything out in the open in the beginning.

2. Email, IM, and text conversations are awesome but they in no way substitute for real life and chemistry in such forms is NOT REAL.

3. I am superhot and awesome and it's not my fault if you don't realize it.

4. I NEVER claimed I was sweetness and light and I'm sorry if you were laboring under that misapprehension.

5. Really?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bounce Back Up Again

A and I broke up yesterday. Or rather, he broke up with me. I'm very okay with this actaully. My mother said I actaully sounded kind of relieved. He's still kinda angry about the whole thing was was mostly precipitated by me being a raging bitch. I freely admit this. In my defense, I played in a tournament for the first time this weekend, and I had started my period that morning so I was tired and felt ill. Ill enough that I stayed home from work which I had not planned to do. Anyway we may end up friends. Or not. I'm not entirely sure at this point. It was nice to be part of a couple but it's also a little nice to be single again. Sometimes I wonder where I will end up. I know I'm alot of work and I know I'm not easy. But you aren't either. And if you think you, you're lying to yourself.

My little brother may be deployed again. First they were going to let him out early, then they said if he came up with a life plan and was admitted to a college he could still get out early, and now it looks like they're just going to take him. What sucks the most about this is that L will be just 9 months old when J leaves, but will be 27 months when he returns. That's along time for anyone but especially at that age. L is getting bigger and more beautiful every day. It's so crazy.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Movies and mayhem (but only in my dreams)

It may seem strange, at least it does to me, but I regularly dream about the city. Sometimes M is there but oft times not. I had a dream the other night that involved her talking on the phone in her room while trying on a yellow dress. Not really sure what that was all about. This past weekend I went to the drive-in with J and some other people I kinda knew but not really. I almost didn't go, and then decided that it would be a good idea to spend some time with non-derby friends. The movies showing were Angels & Demons and Pelham 123, both of which I wanted to see anyway. Both were good, Pelham more than A & D. Pelham made me miss the city which is weird since I've been there all of twice, the first time 10 years ago and then about six weeks ago. I think it's more what it represents to me, namely my best friend, good food, and a damn good time.

Summer is more than halfway over and sometimes I wish it could last forever though I do long for the days of sweaters and red leaves on the ground. My life is moving forward swiftly and I still don't knwo quite where I'm going. I'll be 26 in less than a month and I still have yet to accomplish many things I thought I would have already done by now. By the same token, there are many thngs that I've done that I never thought I would do. I need to stop measuring myself against other people but it's hard.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Single Black Mothers

I came across this article today from CNN's "Black in America" series. I thought it was very interesting that these women chose to adopt a child, versus having one through a sperm donor or some other avenue. I do commend these women for making positive decisions with their lives. As one woman's brother said "You have so much love to give". Why not give it to a child who needs it?

I have always wanted children even when I didn't know if I would ever want to get married. The thought of not being able to bear my own children breaks my heart, but I have always said that I would adopt if I couldn't have children naturally, which is still my plan.

Black children are less likely to be adopted overall and and apparently "dark" children are even less likely to be adopted, even by black parents. I think it's terrible that the black community is still feeding into and perpetuating sterotypes. I could theoretically understand wanting a child that looks as if they could be a natural part of your family, but still. I wonder, would I get strange looks if I adopted a "dark" child since I'm "light"? I wonder what sort of assumptions would be made about my child's father or my background?

This is another reason why states that don't allow gays and lesbians to adopt (like Arkansas) frusterate me. There is a lack of stable, committed homes for children. If people (after rigourous mental, psychological testing, etc.) still want these children, let them have them! This is part of the reason why people adopt children from foriegn countries, because they get the run around in the U.S.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Shades of Blackness, Vol. 1

I am black, not African American, not Afro American, though possibly colored. I grew up in a sea of white. I was frequently the only black child in my class and more than once the only in my grade. At one point in time the only other black child in the whole school was my younger brother. And most people thought he was white. Every member of my immediate family is a different color, my stepdad, my mother, both my brothers. If we lived in Brazil we would all be considered different races. But we live in America where you are either white or not white. My stepdad is white and my mother is black. My little brother is my stepdad’s child and looks like a white kid with a good tan 90% of the time. He has dark brown hair and blue/gray eyes. I am yellow that gets kinda bronze in the summer. I have dark brown black hair and green eyes. My older brother is darker than me but not dark and has black hair and brown eyes. His father is also white. My mother is darkest of us all (though I don’t consider her dark but others do) with black hair and brown eyes. Some people may think that we wouldn’t look alike with different eye and hair color but the funny thing is, we all look just alike. When my siblings and I are together with our mother, there is no question whose children we are and that we’re all related. Many people are surprised that we all have different fathers. If my younger brother and I were the same age, people could almost think that we were twins. The resemblance has gotten more pronounced as we’ve all gotten older and grown into ourselves.

I was never so aware of color or my color until I was practically grown. Initially I had planned on attending college in New Orleans. Several people, including my mother, aunt, and boyfriend at the time, remarked how I should be just fine because I was the right color. I ended up attending the University of Arkansas in my hometown of Fayetteville. Growing up, my mother had taught me that I was black. All of us were. In my mind, there were no differences, no shades of color that were better or worse. In the white world that I grew up in, black was black was black. It wasn’t until I started taking African American studies classes at the UA and acquired some black friends that I have became aware of how apparently light I am. People assume that I must be half white. Not at all, only a quarter actually. Both of my parents are darker than me, I just turned out light.

I’ve had white people ask me what is the politically correct way to refer to black people. My parents are not from Africa so I do not consider myself African American. On my mother’s side I have great-great grandparents that are Native American (Creek) and Jamaican as well your usual American mongrel of African Slave and White American. On my father’s side my grandmother is English-white and my grandfather is Caribbean-black. Since my heritage is so diverse, I feel that the only thing that can fully describe is black, not African American. To me, African American denies the many parts of my heritage that are essential to who I am.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Betty Crocker

For the last several months, since about Thanksgiving really, I've been on this baking kick. I bake at least once a month. Cookies, pound cake, cupcakes, banana bread, muffins, whatever. I'm entirely sure why. I don't even eat most of what I bake. I either take it to work or leave it around for my roommate to eat. Occasionally I bake for an occasion but not typically. Most recently I made a carrot bundt cake, which turned out super-well. I also baked some lemon coconut sugar cookies. Not enough lemon for my taste but everyone else who's tasted them has liked them.

Sometimes I wonder where I got my baking bug from. My mother doesn't really like to bake. The only thing I really remember her making as a kid was apple crumble. My grandmother apparently baked but she died before I was born. I have a great aunt who bakes, and one of my mother's sister's bakes. I have a new niece and I wonder if maybe my own daughters won't like to bake, but L will.

I have some bananas that are getting brown and I think I'm going to make some banana bread happen. I'm sure I'll find someone to eat it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dream a little dream

So for the past several weeks I've been having crazy vivid dreams that I usually remember. I'm not sure why, I think it might be a combination of my anti-depressants and the melatonin I've been taking to help me sleep. Sometimes they're totally fantastical but usually they're variations on reality. It could have happened in real life, it just didn't. Sometimes I don't even realize it until something happens in real life to contradict my dream.

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was in New York visiting M. It felt like an extension of my last visit, not necessarily an entirely new one. We weren't doing anything in particular, just on our way to get some food. I was happy and enjoying our walk to where ever we were going.

I probably won't be able to get back to New York until this fall mostly because of my derby schedule, work, and finances. I am of course super happy for M and it gives me a reason to visit the city, but goddamn I miss that girl. She's definitely the best friend I've ever had. Hot, reliable, super nerdy smart, loves the derb, can cook really well, likes to read, and is easy to talk to. Oh what is a girl to do? Not that I don't love all the rest of my friends of course, but M has a special place in my heart.

On another note, I still have a boyfriend and it's awesome. Less strange at this point. Dating a boy who lives 45 minutes away isn't perfect but helps us appreciate the other more. I could wake up next to him every day and be really okay with that.

My brother is coming up to visit with my niece! I'm so excited! She's looks too cute from pictures and I've been assured she's even more adorable in person.

The Arkansas Killbillies are playing the Kansas City Roller Warriors this Saturday. I can't wait! For those of you who may not know, Kansas City was the first game I ever saw, way back in May of 2006. They've been awesome to us along the way and it's great to finally play them. This will be our last home game of the season before we start doing some serious summer traveling. I'm looking forward to it.