Oh this article speaks the truth. At least for me. I'm in control in most areas of my life. Sometimes it would be nice to NOT be in control or even have to have any control or to think about it at all. Of course I would have to have a crazy level of trust with someone. I think because I'm so "capable" I attract men who need to be taken care of. I can take or you but that doesn't mean I want to. I can take of myself so you should be able to as well. It would be nice to have someone who could take care of me every once in awhile though.
So since A and I broke up I've decided to jump back into the dating scene (not that I was super out there before you whatev). I've gone on two dates. Both went well but I'm more interested in one guy then the other. One I met online and the other is a friend of a friend. I definitely need to take it slow after my recent relationship adventure. It's a bad habit of mine to dive headfirst into things and I could see this guy getting skittish. He's sweet and like to read! and cook. I know, sounds good already right? So we'll see. I need to put post it notes everywhere to remind myself to be slow and undemanding. Yes, me, undemanding.
It's really interesting dating white guys again after dating a black guy, not that I keep track or anything, but just as far as expectations go. In some ways it's better with white guys because they have less expectations, or maybe they're just different. I'm not entirely sure. Their preconceived notions are different. Maybe since I've grown up in a majority white world I know how to deal with those more easily than not.
M is coming to visit next month! I'm so excited! I thought I was going to have to wait until November. She'll be here for the weekend of the Betties game (which is NWARG'S last home game). *Sigh* I miss her all the time. I've had other best friends but she really is the best. As long as she's in the city I'll probably be visiting at least a few times a year.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
1. Whether or not I share all my shit, I still scare them off so I might as well get everything out in the open in the beginning.
2. Email, IM, and text conversations are awesome but they in no way substitute for real life and chemistry in such forms is NOT REAL.
3. I am superhot and awesome and it's not my fault if you don't realize it.
4. I NEVER claimed I was sweetness and light and I'm sorry if you were laboring under that misapprehension.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
A and I broke up yesterday. Or rather, he broke up with me. I'm very okay with this actaully. My mother said I actaully sounded kind of relieved. He's still kinda angry about the whole thing was was mostly precipitated by me being a raging bitch. I freely admit this. In my defense, I played in a tournament for the first time this weekend, and I had started my period that morning so I was tired and felt ill. Ill enough that I stayed home from work which I had not planned to do. Anyway we may end up friends. Or not. I'm not entirely sure at this point. It was nice to be part of a couple but it's also a little nice to be single again. Sometimes I wonder where I will end up. I know I'm alot of work and I know I'm not easy. But you aren't either. And if you think you, you're lying to yourself.
My little brother may be deployed again. First they were going to let him out early, then they said if he came up with a life plan and was admitted to a college he could still get out early, and now it looks like they're just going to take him. What sucks the most about this is that L will be just 9 months old when J leaves, but will be 27 months when he returns. That's along time for anyone but especially at that age. L is getting bigger and more beautiful every day. It's so crazy.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
It may seem strange, at least it does to me, but I regularly dream about the city. Sometimes M is there but oft times not. I had a dream the other night that involved her talking on the phone in her room while trying on a yellow dress. Not really sure what that was all about. This past weekend I went to the drive-in with J and some other people I kinda knew but not really. I almost didn't go, and then decided that it would be a good idea to spend some time with non-derby friends. The movies showing were Angels & Demons and Pelham 123, both of which I wanted to see anyway. Both were good, Pelham more than A & D. Pelham made me miss the city which is weird since I've been there all of twice, the first time 10 years ago and then about six weeks ago. I think it's more what it represents to me, namely my best friend, good food, and a damn good time.
Summer is more than halfway over and sometimes I wish it could last forever though I do long for the days of sweaters and red leaves on the ground. My life is moving forward swiftly and I still don't knwo quite where I'm going. I'll be 26 in less than a month and I still have yet to accomplish many things I thought I would have already done by now. By the same token, there are many thngs that I've done that I never thought I would do. I need to stop measuring myself against other people but it's hard.
Posted by Cam or Zilla at 9:02 AM
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I came across this article today from CNN's "Black in America" series. I thought it was very interesting that these women chose to adopt a child, versus having one through a sperm donor or some other avenue. I do commend these women for making positive decisions with their lives. As one woman's brother said "You have so much love to give". Why not give it to a child who needs it?
I have always wanted children even when I didn't know if I would ever want to get married. The thought of not being able to bear my own children breaks my heart, but I have always said that I would adopt if I couldn't have children naturally, which is still my plan.
Black children are less likely to be adopted overall and and apparently "dark" children are even less likely to be adopted, even by black parents. I think it's terrible that the black community is still feeding into and perpetuating sterotypes. I could theoretically understand wanting a child that looks as if they could be a natural part of your family, but still. I wonder, would I get strange looks if I adopted a "dark" child since I'm "light"? I wonder what sort of assumptions would be made about my child's father or my background?
This is another reason why states that don't allow gays and lesbians to adopt (like Arkansas) frusterate me. There is a lack of stable, committed homes for children. If people (after rigourous mental, psychological testing, etc.) still want these children, let them have them! This is part of the reason why people adopt children from foriegn countries, because they get the run around in the U.S.