Monday, November 30, 2009

What goes up must come down

Last weekend I was at E's house and someone called and referred to him as my boyfriend and I was all "he's not my boyfriend.....really". After I got off the phone, I asked him if he minded if I referred to him as my boyfriend. He said no. Since we were having that conversation, I figured I'd ask why he got divorced because I never had and didn't want to dig too much too soon. I won't spill all his personal business but the long and the short of it is that he never wants to have kids or get married again. This in NO WAY works for me. These are serious deal breakers. I think he's more afraid of getting hurt again then anything else but I'm not going to stay in a relationship with someone and hope that they change their mind about something so important.

After I left his house, I called my mom and cried my eyes out on my way home. I'm not in love with him....but I think I could be at a later point in time. I REALLY like him. And I really hate all of this. I've been working on making myself more vulnerable but dammit I hate being hurt. It kinda makes me want to swear off dating or relationships or anything. Which I know isn't reasonable. But I'm not exactly feeling rational at the moment.

I am not going to settle and I deserve to have what I want. Which is someone who could see being with me long term and for me that includes marriage and children. When we first started dating, he said he wasn't looking for something casual. I guess he meant serious but not that serious? I really don't even know.

Anyway I'm still not entirely sure how this will all end up. With the holiday and all we haven't had a chance to sit down face to face but that is coming soon.............


Sara said...

I feel your pain. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Don't let it get to you though. I think E must have had a really rough time of it last go round. He may just see marriage as a bad thing for people. I'm feeling like this a lot lately; that P sees marriage as negative, and that the way you act when your married is bad in some way, and that its just miserable. My ideas are a lot different, but I always feel like he thinks I'm trying to take something away from him when I bring it up, which like I said I'm not needy and pathetic (which is how it makes me feel when he reacts like that). Anyway, its fucking gay.

R said...

Sara, I don't know you so I can't judge your tone, but I hope you're using the word "gay" sardonically?

Zilla, you totally deserve someone who wants all the same things that you do, and I'm glad you realize this! If only we could import/export. (well, maybe just export).